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Two separated lovers...

by Eros


Like two separated lovers,

Never meant to be together,

Studded like gems

are the two beautiful rulers,

The King Sun and the Queen Moon,

On the throne of the great sky.

--

Beauty of both so sui generis

The King is the special someone,

Whom the Queen does miss.

The sun is egoistic and won't just stop,

The Moon is often shy,

Blushing behind the veil in the dark.

--

King being hot and handsome,

Shining brightly and superior to all;

Queen being fair and charming,

An excellent learner, learning how to shine,

Enlightening herself and the stark sky,

with her lover's radiant beauty.

--

Extremely short tempered is sun,

Blazing fire all the time,

But softly warming those,

Basking in it's shine in the nippy air;

While placate and calm is the moon,

A symbol of soul soothing beauty.

--

The queen tries her best,

Determined to learn, tightening her waist,

To shine as briskly as her lover;

And the king smiles, enchanted

By the way she shines, though not like him,

But with a beauty making her unique.

--


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Wed Oct 03, 2018 2:30 pm
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AutumnDawn says...



I could see this playing out in mind as I was reading. it also felt like I had been there as well.
I hope you can continue to make poems like this. it was really great. PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING.
I like to called these poems "story poetry" because they describe and sound so much as if they are one. make some like these as well. but yours is probably much better than mine.
thanks for sharing with me




Eros says...


Oh...it was an encouraging review!!! Thanks m you so much, AutomnDawn! If you want, I can tag you when I post next...



AutumnDawn says...


please do



Eros says...


Ok .. I'll.



AutumnDawn says...


YAY



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22 Reviews


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Wed Oct 03, 2018 2:30 pm
AutumnDawn wrote a review...



I could see this playing out in mind as I was reading. it also felt like I had been there as well.
I hope you can continue to make poems like this. it was really great. PLEASE NEVER STOP WRITING.
I like to called these poems "story poetry" because they describe and sound so much as if they are one. make some like these as well. but yours is probably much better than mine.
thanks for sharing with me




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Tue Oct 02, 2018 12:25 am
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Louisiana15 wrote a review...



Hello!!

First off, very nice poem :)

To start with the first stanza, I found the line "The King Sun and the Queen Moon," awkwardly worded. It doesn't sound or feel correct and I don't exactly like it because it messes with the flow you have developed.

I like how you don't use a rhyme scheme, but I noticed that in some stanzas you went back and forth comparing the Sun and the Moon and in others, you had a stanza for the individual. I think you should stay consistent with either one, but not both. It interrupted the familiar flow.

I like the contrasts you made and I loved your unique word choice. You said this was a romantic poem, but I didn't feel any romance, really. So, I would work on strengthening it. Sure, it doesn't have to be one of the soppy romances, but if it's going to be a romance, I think you should have stronger emotions. I can feel the fondness between the Sun and the Moon, yes, but just not enough.


Other than that, great job!!




Eros says...


Thank you for the review!



Louisiana15 says...


My pleasure!!



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Sun Sep 30, 2018 1:41 am
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Wriskypump wrote a review...



This is a very neat piece. :D I like everything except the last two lines, and that queen & king aren't capitalized in the last stanza. The reason I don't like the last bit is because I don't feel anything from what you said in it. I wish the moon and sun would try to do something more, since the moon misses sun. Are they only able to stare at each other from afar, or do they want to change that? Feel free to leave it as is, but simply calling the moon's beauty unique at the end was a bit blase for the way you crafted the earlier portions

It was interesting for sure!




Eros says...


Thanks for the review, Wriskypump!! Glad to know that you liked it .. thanks for letting me know wherr I can improve ... I'll do something in this so as to include what you said... And surely keep this in mind when I write anything in future..

Thanks again!!



Wriskypump says...


Anytime! If you want me to review anything else let me know!



Eros says...


Yeah, I'll surely let you know!



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Sat Sep 29, 2018 4:20 pm
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Olujimizion says...



wow I must say that from your poem, I can guess your beauty. You are amazing as the moon you described. your poem has been able to communicate your whole idea and I love it. You will be a fine writer. The flow is nice and the way you used your figures of speech is also great..Keep it up dear. Remember your only limit is you.




Eros says...


Thanks for such inspiring words!! I'm glad you liked it... *Follows you*



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Fri Sep 28, 2018 9:19 pm
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TheBlueCat wrote a review...



Heya Eros! Cat here to review your beautiful poem. I'll start by going stanza by stanza, so let's get going! c:

First stanza is a really great metaphor! I like the sun and moon being compared to gems and lovers. Very unique. c:

I'm not really a fan of 'sui generis' in the second stanza. I looked up what it meant, and honelnestly your should just get to the point and say unique. It kinda feels like you were using thesaurus.com and were trying too hard to add it in. The whole flow of this stanza is awkward and clunky. It took me a couple read throughs to figure out what you were trying to say.

Third stanza is pretty, but it doesn't do anything for the poem. It could be taken out and not have any effect on the outcome of the poem. You want every stanza to be full of meaning. Trust me, I've been told this so many times, and it's still hard to remember! c:

Fourth stanza is slightly better, but I'm referring back to the above thoughts and saying it doesn't move anything forward. I know it's not a story, but it doesn't add anything particular to the piece.

And then I have no idea what is going on in the last stanza. I get that you are mentioning the waning/waxing of the moon, but that's about it.

Overall, it is a pleasant piece, but it fell a little short and didn't reach its full potential. Line breaks and rhythm were okay overall, as was flow. I would love to see this piece packed with more meaning and emotions. I ending feeling like it was unfinished.

Don't get me wrong, this is very pretty! I did enjoy it. c: I hope this helps!

Keep writing! =^-^=
~Cat




Eros says...


Thank you for the review!! :D
I used Sui generis so as to not get "unique" repeated ... It's in the last stanza and then reviewers say avoid repeated use of words... :)
And... Third and 4 the stanza is used as a comparison between the sun and the moon... It's like a reason for why does the moon loves the sun ... Because he is hot, handsome, though is egoostic, still has a soft heart as he helps people to enjoy the warmth on a cold day... And also it expresses the fact that the moon is not having its own light. It takes light of the sun to enlighten herself and the sky...

Last stanza is also like that. It is the reason why the sun loves the moon. The sun doesn't see it as Moon trying to copy him or anything...

But I still understand... I should have made the poem more elaborative so that the readers do not get confused... Thanks for the helpful tips and thanks for the review!! :D



Eros says...


I also get it that the poem fell short ... I will surely try my best and Edit this one and also keep this in mind when I write more in the future... Thanks a lot again .. your review is very helpful and inspiring as well... I am glad you liked it... And also thanks for leaving a like before .. :D



TheBlueCat says...


You're welcome! c:



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Fri Sep 28, 2018 12:32 pm
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Anniepoo103 wrote a review...



Wowowow this was absolutely beautiful. I love reviewing poems like this because it makes me feel like there really is hope for us younger writers.
First of all, your 1st stanza is a beautiful way to start this poem. That being said, I would try to make it a bit longer. I can tell from the style of your poem that things are meant to be a bit shorter, but a longer introduction would definitely help you out here.
In your second stanza, I would give a bit more context to the use of sui generis. Sure, this means unique, but some readers may get confused by your use of bigger or older words. Does that make any sense? I also like your personification of the moon being shy and hiding.....it was beautifully done!
In your third stanza, I would elaborate a bit more. How does she reflect her lover's beauty? Why does she choose to share it with us? Other than that, I would not change a thing.
Your fourth stanza is...wow! I have no words, it is simply amazing. Perfect even.
As for your 5th stanza, I feel like you could have added a bit more to it. I love how you talked about the King being proud, but as a reader, I would have loved to know how this situation ends or how the Queen feels about how the kind feels. Does this make any sense.
Thank you for the wonderful poem! It was a joy to read, I look forward to seeing more like it on here soon. Have a wonderful day (;
-Anne




Eros says...


How does she reflect her lover's beauty? Why does she choose to share it with us? For this, actually the moon doesn't have its own light ...so it's like reflecting her lover's beauty...

I get it... Should have been more elaborate and bit longer... But just couldn't get any more ideas... But I'll surely try and add something more, thereby improving... Thanks for the review!!



Anniepoo103 says...


No problem (:



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SnowGhost says...



This is so beautiful! I love all of the metaphors XD
And thanks for the tag :)




Eros says...


Thank you SOOOO much for the comment ... Means a loooot to me. It's such a great inspiration to keep writing... I am glaad you liked it.... Thank you sooo much!



SnowGhost says...


Why of course! I look forward to reading your future work :)



Eros says...


Yeah! I will keep tagging you .... :D



SnowGhost says...


Awesome




Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.
— Chinese proverb