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Young Writers Society



The Magical Musician---4

by Eros


Chapter 4 : The Mill.

The family discussion panel was distracted by Parimal's panicky words and low whispers were passed on amongst the group. Yashwanti opened the door and Abba came in. He didn't look angry. Instead he was confident. 

Lokesh started the topic, "Abba, actually you have returned to---"

"Life. I know."

There was a silence in the house. 

"I ain't angry at you for hiding this fact."

"Abba, please don't be sarcastic," Lokesh wasn't in a mood of sarcasm.

"Not being sarcastic, my child. I know it would have been difficult for all of you to convince a man who considers himself a stranger, that he was dead and had now suddenly become alive."

Lajwanti nodded, "Right. That's why we never said anything about it."

"But I never felt a stranger with you all. I felt as if I have known you since ages!"

Everyone started a serious discussion about how was it possible. But no one could really figure out. Some said it was God who did it with a good motive, some said it was a witch with a bad motive and some were so shocked that they didn't have any say in the discussion.

Meanwhile, on the outskirts of the city:

Location: A little abandoned textile mill, behind the cremation ground.

1 year ago...

It was about 5 pm. "Dear Employees," Mr. Varun announced, "It's not working. As you all know we are suddenly going in loss. Although we have had lots of profits since the last 24 years, I won't be able to manage the company's expenses in the long run. Competition is too intense. As I said a month ago, I will be locking this company tomorrow until I come up with something new and creative so as to make our Karan Textiles survive. I hope you have applied for somewhere else by now."

"Sir, but a few of us are still not getting jobs," one of the employees was concerned. 

Mr. Varun, the tall and hefty man wearing blue coat and black pants replied, "I can't really help for that. I can only give a try to get a couple of you employed in one of my friend's mill in the other town called Vishwanagri. Any other questions?"

"No, sir."

Mr. Varun said with a deep and grave serious voice, "Meeting dismissed."

The employees packed up and left. There was already a deal done about the big and heavy machines. The customer arrived at half past five and bought them. The machines were carried away by a huge crane. 

Mr. Varun walked through the empty mill. 

I have saved up enough from the profits i earned in past 24 years. Karan will never have to worry about money all his life. But I loved this mill more than my life. Varun's eyes moistened. He removed his late wife's photograph from the wall, "It would have been so much better if you were here, Kanika. I lost you. I lost this company. All I have now is just Karan. He doesn't want to work, Kanika. He just keeps himself locked up in a room because of me. He dislikes my habit of drinking. I have no other way to forget your memories." He thought to himself.

He kept the photograph in his car and went into the bar. He smoked weed and drank alcohol for hours. On his way back to home, he lost control over his car. His vision was blurred and he couldn't balance both himself and his car. With a loud crash his car collided with a truck with a great velocity and intensity. The car's engine caught fire and Varun was burned inside the car.

Police arrived and investigated the scene. The truck driver was heavily injured. He was taken into the nearest hospital in an ambulance with wailing siren. 

The burned and marred dead body was removed from the devastated car. The number plate of car wasn't completely burnt. The police extracted information from RTO (Road Transport Office) and informed Karan about his dad's accident. The truck driver was saved but Varun died on the spot.

Forensic reports and postmortem proved it was Varun, Karan's dad and declared it as a drink and drive accident case. The next day, 24 years old Karan cremated his dad's body in the funeral ceremony.

-Current Time-

It was about 6 pm. The sun was about to set. The deadly silent mill was full of shadows. A tall young boy of 25 walked towards the chair. He was no one else but Karan, the Mill's owner's only child. He had just finished sweeping the mill and his new creaky leather shoes knocked the clean floor. The purple sun rays fell on his fair cheeks when he sat on the big rolling chair. He rested his head behind and was lost in thoughts. He was in love with someone.

Karan closed his deep black eyes. He saw the image of a brown complexioned girl. Her brown layered hair were waiving with the breeze. Her hair looked like smooth melted chocolate set in the form of waves. Her slim body glistened with golden sunshine. Karan's lips gave an involuntary smile as he remembered the incident that happened in the morning.

Read more to know what happened in the morning...


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453 Reviews


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Sun Mar 03, 2019 12:09 pm
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Lib wrote a review...



Hi Eros!

Hope you're having a nice day or night, depending on what side of the world you are on. Anyways, I'm here to give you a review! I saw a few mistakes here and there but I'll get to that later. I really like how you made the flashback. It's a very good thing to do in stories. It adds a bit of fun and more clarification, like in this story. If you didn't have the flashback, we would have no clue about where this 'mill' is. You know what I mean? That was really good. :)

While I was reading the beginning part, it was perfectly fine. But when it got to the flashback, it kind of felt odd. Like, you didn't mention anything about the family talking anything about the mill. That was a bit random. But, still, remember, it was a very good idea to add flashbacks. I hope to see more of those from you. :)

Now, I'll be pointing out the mistakes. In the following sentence:

"Everyone started a serious discussion about how was it possible."

The part 'how was it possible' sounds more like a question then a discussion. Maybe you could change it to 'how it was possible'? If you did change it to that then it'd be more like this:

"Everyone started a serious discussion about how it was possible."

Then, there was this sentence:

"I have saved up enough from the profits i earned in past 24 years."

Look at the 'i'. You probably know what I'm gonna say. If not, then, capitalize the 'i'. That was probably a typo, but I HAD to point it out. XD Onto the next one:

"He was taken into the nearest hospital in an ambulance with wailing siren."

Did you forget to add the 'a' between 'with' and 'wailing'. It sounds okay (?) without the 'a' but, if you did add the 'a' it'd sound like this:

"He was taken into the nearest hospital in an ambulance with a wailing siren."

That's it for the mistakes that I saw sprinkled in some places. Speaking of sprinkled, I want a cupcake... (That's SO off topic! XD) Okay, so that was it, I really enjoyed reading this and I can't wait to read the next one.

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500
(I was so close to posting this with my real name!! XD)




Eros says...


Thank you so much for the review!! I will definitely keep the little things in mind .. thank you so much, once again for the helpful review!! ,<3 <3



Lib says...


Anytime!



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34 Reviews


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Sat Mar 02, 2019 6:04 pm
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Swetachowdhury0 says...



Hey @Eros,


It is a great one. I love how you show the part of Mr.Varun and Karan. And you described anything nicely..waiting for the next part.and keep writing.... It's getting interesting....




Eros says...


Thank you so much Sweta!! <3



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Sat Mar 02, 2019 11:52 am
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kostia wrote a review...



Hello there Eros.
I will be reviewing this chapter for you today since I have already read the one before and I am familiar with the characters.

I think I prefer the wording and formatting of this piece over the one I read before.
You worked on your vocabulary and imagery better in this piece.

I enjoyed your dialogues and the different timelines you used. I also liked your attempt to add some suspense in the ending. Fairly done.

However I would like some further descriptions on some incidents you referred to. I think it would help if made it longer with more information and maybe more dialogue. You are very good with dialogues so I would use that quality if I was you.

Your wording is definitely better. The content of this chapter was mainly dramatic. It was very nicely executed. I enjoyed reading it.

Other than the length of it I don't have anything to suggest here. The different timelines and the dramatic events would definitely look better if this was a longer piece.

Overall that was a good read and I had a good time reading it. Your characters are lovely! I feel like you did much better than last time and that you really developed your writing. That is hard to do especially in such a short period of time.

Looking forward to reading more!

Well done!

Keep writing

Best regards


Kostia




Eros says...


Thank you so much for the review, Kostia!




Being a hero doesn't mean you're invincible. It just means that you're brave enough to stand up and do what's needed.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena