You won... And won again

Hey Eros!

Ellie here to give you a quick review. I really like the idea behind this poem. To me, it represents the importance of living in the moment and not taking anything for granted.

I don't have too much to say, because I did like it, but I think this is restricted a little bit by the rhyme scheme. It's very simplistic, and sometimes that's alright when it comes to poetry! But there isn't any really clear imagery that's being portrayed. Use a metaphor! Paint a picture!

Simply by walking... Without a car!

I like this line, but I think you can expand on it. There are a lot of ways to get around that aren't walking or driving. What about bike riding? That's an active way to get around. I think specificity is going to help this poem overall. You mention a dream, but it's not entirely clear what that dream is or what it represents to the subject.

And you mented your faults...

Did you mean to say mended here? And the ellipsis is unnecessary.

As a whole, the first part of this poem is stronger than the second half. Towards the end, the purpose becomes a little unclear. Nothing you can't fix, though!

Otherwise, good work! Let me know if you have any further questions.

Hullo Eros! Cat here to review this lovely poem! Okay then, here we go!

First, let's go through your poem together:

Spoiler

Walking...

Walking Ahead,

On the track

as narrow as a thread;

The rays of hope lack

In enlightening your confidence back. (Oh my, I love this already!)

Pause your journey,

Look behind

Look, you have come so far

Simply by walking... Without a car!

Against the things which holds

You back in the cold (This line gets a bit tricky in where you need a comma, but I don't know so you can just leave it! xD)

And never lets you go forward

Towards your dream,

Fight them. (Who?)

You lost.

You lost again...

You observed and gave a it deep thought

Why did I lose...in the battle I fought?

You got the answer...

From nobody else but you yourself.

And you mented your faults...

And then you won,

And won again.

What I liked: The whole poem! xP It was a great poem with lots of great imagery!

What to fix/improve: Nothing much, just a few commas and apostrophes.

Other random comments: Lovely, lovely poem!

Well anyways, great poem! Good job and keep writing!

I always enjoy reading positive poetry that portrays the victory of the human spirit over adversity. I also like the walking on the narrow road imagery and the rap rhythm and rhyme. Thanks for sharing.


Here are some things that I feel need attention and will improve the poem.


Suggestions:

I found the incorrect use of the ellipsis distracting.

An ellipsis is a set of three periods ( . . . ) indicating an omission. Each period should have a single space on either side, except when adjacent to a quotation mark, in which case there should be no space.

Informal writing

In informal writing, an ellipsis can be used to represent a trailing off of thought.

If only she had . . . Oh, it doesn’t matter now.

An ellipsis can also indicate hesitation, though in this case the punctuation is more accurately described as suspension points.

I wasn’t really . . . well, what I mean . . . see, the thing is . . . I didn’t mean it.

Like the exclamation point, the ellipsis is at risk of overuse.

http://www.thepunctuationguide.com/ellipses.html

Spelling corrections:

“....mended your faults....”

“....things which hold....”