You are a lovely paradise, out of reach.

King here

This is my last review for the day and I am glad that it is for the work of someone I really am gladful to see again. I do not review any of your works anymore so still is an emotional moment because I do it for the first time after being away for a very long time. I can say that your style has changed or maybe it is because it is a poetry. I do not remember reading or reviewing a poetry from you but who knows, there is first time for everything. I am glad to see what you are improving with very big steps.

You have no issues with the punctuation, grammar or anything like this which is a relief for all of us and anyways I have no power to edit or whatever currently.
For the 'falling in love' part of this work, I think you need to change the way the lines are order one after another to make them more in an actual row so they are lined the right way. After all, you get attached and then you fall in love with someone.


People before me have noticed it but I will say it again anyways because it is the truth, yes, you have repetitive lines which match. These places could be fixed if you add more imagery to it. You are more detailed than I thought you will be but you still could add one or two things more to the work. Times to times you are just saying the same stuff, telling us the same but in a different manner. You can still connect it which what you want to say but just say something different about it. Do not say he is far away, say that you can not hold him anymore or something that lets the reader realize by their own that he is away and that you are alone without him. You do not need to say it straight away.

Anyways, I really liked this poetry and hope to see more of you. Hope you have a good day and keep on improving just that fast!

So, first of all, good job!

Second, I would just like to echo the review @Rydia wrote and add a few of my own suggestions.

1. You have to consider the division of your lines.

a.) I know that this is a free-verse, but the first word of each line is meant to be capitalized. I’m just a bit particular about this one.

2. The grammar, structure, and flow could be improved a little bit.

a.) “My heart fell upon you…” – Grammar wise, from what I know this would be considered wrong. When you use the preposition “upon” it implies that you are falling on something. It’s like saying “She fell upon a bed of roses.”

From my understanding of the context, the persona falls for someone not on someone. So, by saying “My heart fell upon you” you are implying that the persona falls on a person not for a person.

b.) “like the pearls of dew drops // falling on the cool green grass;” – I think this could be improved on structure-wise. You do not need to put “the”, so it could be “Like pearls of dew drops // Falling on the cool green grass.” End this line with a period before continuing to the next line.

c.) “Unknowingly I fell in love with you // Your beautiful black eyes always attracted me.” – This confused me a little. Did the persona fall in love straight away without being attracted? What made the persona attracted to the person in the first place? Like @Rydia said, add imagery to this part.

My suggestion for these two lines is to switch their organization. So it would be, “Your beautiful black eyes always attracted me // Unknowingly, I fell in love with you.”
I’d suggest changing the word “attracted” into something else. It would improve the vocabulary a bit.

This is just my suggestion, but I think this could be: “Your onyx eyes called/haunted to me.”

d.) “You are the beauty of the sun setting in the horizon, // you are a lovely paradise, out of reach” – This one, I believe is simply matter of sentence structuring. You can end the first part with a period to give emphasis to the last line which is the title of your piece.

3. Some comparisons you used were a bit confusing.

a.) “Just like an evergreen tree // your face was always cheerful”
-- What is it about the evergreen tree that you are comparing her face to?

b.) “and the big grin which adorned your face // like diamonds adorning a king’s crown”
-- I agree with @Rydia, when these two lines are together they do sound a bit redundant.

All in all, I believe this was a great piece. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It told a sweet story of unrequited love – something a lot of people could relate to. You also managed to pour enough emotion into the piece that would tug on a person’s hearstrings.

Hope this helped. Keep writing!

-- LaPetitePrincess

Hi! Thought I'd take a look at this

Specifics

1.

like the pearls of dew drops

your beautiful black eyes always attracted me.

your face was always cheerful;

and the big grin which adorned your face

I always felt you would be with me forever,

but I didn't think even in dreams,

you would be far away from me.