There was grief spread in the mansion and everyone was mourning over the death of Abba, the old man. Abba's two little grandchildren, Sanju and Sabu were lost in the days they spent with their grandpa. Out of four of Abba's sons, one was unmarried. He didn't settle with stable jobs and proper savings when he was of marriageable age. Now that he's 38, he gets nothing else other than a heartbreak in the form of rejection.(This is a very bad beginning. For start, too much telling, not much showing. Instead of saying who's dead, start the chapter with a funeral and people bawling, then steadily reveal what's going on. Second, you haven't established a set main character. I would recommend starting this excerpt with a paragraph that introduces us to the main character right away. The sooner we know that, the less confusion. Also, we don't need to know yet that the main character is the son of Abba, and we don't need to know yet that he has siblings. Lastly, we don't need to know yet that this 38-year-old is bad with money and girls. Instead, reveal that over time with showing and not telling.)

"Old man's dead! Oh I was waiting for so long for this moment!" the wife of Abba's third son whispered.(The dialogue rubs me the wrong way. There's not much emotion and personality in it--as a result, it makes the character seem very superficial. I would recommend taking time to flesh out every character so you know them better. That way, you have a better idea on what they'll say.)

"Yeah, I agree so much!!" replied Abba's eldest son's wife.(Again, not much emotion and personality in the dialogue)

"We are so unlucky to have got so selfish wives," discussed their respective husbands. These two couples didn't have any children. (Again, flat dialogue. Also, TMI. Reveal later that they have no kids.)

The youngest daughter in law of the house, however, did not have greed for Abba's property. She was happy with whatever her husband earned and would help in studies of her children, Sanju and Sabu. Sanju was in 7th grade and Sabu in 4th.(Again, too much telling, not much showing. I would reveal all this through dialogue)

The bier and other arrangements were done and Abba's dead body was taken to the cremation ground, where according to customs and religions, his corpse was burned and the next day, the ashes were immersed in the holy river, in the belief that his soul will rest in peace.(Again, too much telling, not much showing.)

Abba's sons with a heavy heart joined back their jobs. After all, they were the only ones who earned bread for the family. How long would they stay on without pay leaves? Sanju and Sabu resumed back to their schools. Their school timings were the same.(Again, too much telling, not much showing)

About 5 days after of Abba's death, in the evening after playing in the park, Sabu returned home screaming, "Mommy! Daddy! I saw Abba today!"(I would recommend starting this in a separate scene)

"No, little boy, it must have been someone else," said his elder aunt.(Again, not much emotion. Instead of saying, "it must have been someone else", say something like, "I know you miss your father" or something similar)

"No, no, aunty, I'm sure he was Abba!" Sabu shouted with excitement.

Nobody believed Sabu. Abba was dead, they had themselves seen Abba's corpse burning in front of their eyes. And why would they believe he is alive?(I thought this was poorly conveyed, emotionally. Again, I think this would be much more emotive if they thought Sabu was hallucinating due to the emotional trauma caused by Abba's death.)

Sabu went to his room, where Sanju was doing his homework.

"Bhai, I saw Abba when I was playing in the park."

Sanju grinned with happiness and swung the rolling chair around, "What are you saying, Sabu?"

"Yes, Bhai. I went near him and asked him to come home with me. But he acted weirdly." Sanju frowned.

"Maybe he doesn't remember us." Sanju muttered in a low voice.

"But no one is believing me!"

"Yeah, obviously they won't. Unless--"

"Unless?"

"Unless WE bring him home," Sanju said with confidence.

"Tomorrow is Sunday. If you saw Abba just about an hour ago, we can surely find him tomorrow. Moreover, he was acting weirdly you say, so he won't go much far till tomorrow. And it is getting dark outside, Abba will have to spend the night somewhere nearby itself."

"Yes, bhai, you are correct. But why can't we go right now?"

"It's getting darker and no one will allow us to go outside now."

"Yeah, true."

Both of them were called for dinner. After that everyone dozed off to sleep.

The next morning, at about 3:50, Sanju woke up Sabu. They wrote a letter to the family members:

Mommy, Daddy, Uncles and Aunts,

We are leaving early to get our beloved Abba back. You did not believe us, nor did you think even once once upon it, hence we are going in search of Abba.

Please don't worry about us. We will be back by 7, even if we don't get Abbu.

Your beloved,

Sanju and Sabu.

They placed the note on the table in the drawing room and sneaked out of the house. Exactly 5 minutes later their mom woke up. She always woke up at 4. When she didn't find her children and also found the main door unlocked, she got terrified and woke up everyone immediately.

"Sanju is with Sabu. Sanju is smart and they must be nearby, they will definitely come back, calm down." Everyone started convincing Sanju and Sabu's mother.

The two little brothers went near the park and roamed a lot. They searched him on the streets, on the footpaths, everywhere. But Abba was nowhere to be seen.

"Sabu, are you sure, the person you saw was Abba?"

"Yes, bhai. I'm sure."

They continued their search. They asked on the tea-stall shops showing Abba's photograph in Sanju's mobile. Everyone shook their head in a "No."

Finally at about 6:30, they saw Abba in a very shabby condition walking around, aimlessly. He was in the same white light-kurta and white pajama that he was wearing when his corpse was burnt. Although now it was all torn and had burn-marks and brown-charred patches everywhere.

Sanju and Sabu ran towards Abba.

Hey there Eros,

It seems nice and gives an example of typical old family and the relations of siblings and in-laws which makes sense. Thanks the story is little simple then the poems you have written and easy to read & understand.

The suspense and the questions at the end of this part makes a solid sense and brings some interest to read another part which is good enough. Nothing much to say.

I was not regular in this forum few months ago though, there is a poem, I would like to invite you to read and review.

All the best!

Hey, this chapter seemed alright. I just had a few things you may consider that could improve the story. Firstly, look for off sounding sentences, such as one in the first paragraph, try replacing "of marriageable age" with perhaps just "of age" or "of age for marriage". The story is intriguing enough, however, you could probably add more onto it to further the effect, perhaps adding more senses onto the dialogue than just talking, or perhaps incorporating more of the dialogue and story together, instead of switching back and forth from one to the other. Also, I can understand what you were going for at the end of the chapter, but it isn't really necessary, and I recommend you consider dropping it, the reason being it kinda takes from the effect of a more realistic plot, and makes the story seem more like a cartoon, or a drama series that one would expect to find one of those hooks. Your choice though. Anyways, that was a decent story, and I hope to read more in the future C:

Hello! Sorry it took me so long to get to this, I haven't been on the site for a few days!

Firstly, I really like this! The premise is really interesting and I love all the little details like how Abba (Abbu?)'s clothes are burned and charred. It's intriguing and definitely makes me want to know more!

Out of four of Abba's sons, one was unmarried. He didn't settle with stable jobs and proper savings when he was of marriageable age. Now that he's 38, he gets nothing else other than a heartbreak in the form of rejection.

the wife of Abba's third son whispered.

After about 5 days of Abba's death

Sabu screamed with excitement.

Sanju grinned with happiness and swung the rolling chair around, "What are you saying, Sanju?"

She always woke up at 4.

They searched him on the streets, on the footpaths, everywhere.

Hiii @Eros, welcome back......happy to see you again. Sweta here with my opinion on this wonderful part...


This is a great start. I likee the story and the storyline. The characters are well shown. And I am wondering if he is a ghost? It's interesting.. Your story is always interesting.. There are some tiny errors which I don't give attention to because the story hooked me up till the last.

Thank you for tagging me and sorry for reading it late i was a little busy.. Keep up the great work and keep writing... Tag me when the another part is publish... Have a nice day...

Hi @Eros!

This is Liberty dropping off a review for you. Let's get right to it. This is a really good story, like seriously good.

SUGGESTIONS

I don't have many suggestions except for adding a place somewhere in your story that will tell people what 'bhai' and other words like that mean, ya know what I mean? And, in some places you wrote 'Abba' and in some places you wrote 'Abbu' are they both different? You might wanna clarify that. Also, I would encourage you to use less numbers, like, for the age or for a specific amount of minutes. That's it for suggestions.

MISTAKES

1.
"Sanju and Sabu too resumed back their schools. Their school timings were same."

Okay, so in this sentence you may have added or may have forgotten to add a few words. Like, the 'too' in the first part of the sentence does not really need to be there. And, in between 'back and 'their' there should be a 'to'. Also, in the second part of the sentence, in between 'were' and 'same' there should be a 'the'. So if yoy corrected that stuff, these sentences would sound more like: "Sanju and Sabu resumed back to their schools. Their school timings were the same."

2.
""Maybe he doesn't remember us." Sanju uttered in low voice."

Did you mean 'muttered' instead of 'uttered'? Because uttering something is basically saying it, but, if you think 'uttered' is fine, that's fine. And, also, there is meant to be a 'a' in between 'in' and 'low'.

3.
"We are leaving early to get our beloved Abbu back. You did not believe us, nor did you think even once once upon it, hence we are going in search of abbu."

All I wanna tell you here is to capitalize the last word (aka: 'abbu'). So it looks like this -> Abbu.

4.
"Exactly 5 min. later their mom woke up."

Using shorter forms of words isn't a very encouraged thing to do in stories. Just change it to 'minutes' so that way the sentence looks more like this -> Exactly 5 minutes later their mom woke up.

5.
"Everyone stared convincing Sanju and Sabu's mother."

Okay, so, here this must've been a typo but anyways, the second word is 'stared' and I'm pretty sure it's meant to be 'started'.

6.
"Or is a ---GHOST!?"

Lastly, the only thing here is the addition of a 'he' in between 'is' and 'a'.

OVERALL

Overall, this was a great story to read and I encourage you to write the next chapter, tag me once it's out! I'd love to read it!

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500