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18+ Violence Mature Content

The Untold Stories Behind The Scars - 2

by Eros


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.

A/N: You can still read it if you haven't read the first part. 

Trigger warning: It talks about self harm, violence and sexual content.

After my 12th grade result, I went to a university college to apply for the degree of B.Sc. I was filled with hope that this time I will make some friends, unlike my whole schooling time. I never had a friend, not even a single one and university proved to be no different. 

After the first semester, I became a victim to cyberbullying. I was made fun of in the college WhatsApp group. I stopped going to college because it was embarrassing for me, after all that they said in the online group. For three years, I kept myself in prison of my own house. My dad was quite against the idea of me skipping college, but it was easy to convince my mom. College teachers didn't teach quite well, so I joined some tuitions outside the college. If you have read the first part, you know about the problem in my leg. So mom was ok with me bunking the college because the teachers didn't teach well, and it would be good if i take rest for my leg problem.   

Little was I knowing that this decision of staying at home for three long years would make me depressed. Lack of friends got me into various types of online friendship platforms like apps and website. I quickly made a couple of friends from all over the world and some among them were young teens who self harmed. I searched online more about self harm, what happens after cutting, made some posts asking, "Does it hurt to cut yourself?" and, "How can someone just pick up a sharp object and strike it across their own skin?" 

I got three replies on the post.

"It depends on your pain tolerance."

"Do it swiftly and it won't hurt much."

"It surely hurts less than syringe."

I thought to myself, Pain tolerance... hmm! I have pretty high pain tolerance. Hurts less than a syringe? That's the thing! and I removed a blade from the razor and pretending to be studying, I locked the bedroom door. I gazed at the shiny piece of metal in my hand. I was a bit afraid, but took the new blade and made a cut on my calf muscle of the leg. I was new to self harm so I wasn't aware about how much pressure to be applied, so I ended up making the cut a little deep. Deep enough to bleed really good. I was afraid of my sister or mom seeing it, so i rushed to the bathroom and tried to run water on the cut. There were streams of red water running from my leg. It didn't work. I searched up on the internet about ways to stop bleeding. I applied pressure on the cut, as said on the internet, and it finally stopped bleeding. That was how I made my first ever cut.

The online bullying would happen every once or twice a month. They would say something, I would fight back, other people would enjoy and send laughing emoticons all day. There was a time when the emoji, "🤣" became a trigger of anxiety for me. Every time someone sent that emoji, I would be anxious about what new way have they found of making fun of me. 

One day I met a guy on a friendship app where we can confess our dark secrets. I told him that I wanted to try a vape. He said he can bring me one, if I pay him money for the vape. I said ok, and I stole money from my parent's cupboard and lied to my family about some important work at college and called the guy near the college. He came with the vape, I gave him the money. Not gonna lie, he was quite attractive, 6 ft tall, well maintained body, clean, and young. He was 16, I was 18.

We were quite good friends. It was fun to play online games with him. One day he casually asked me if I was a virgin. I said am happily virgin. I used to think sex was gross. I was 18 back then. He was also a writer (He is now a self published small writer in my city), and he described sex in such a way that I felt like he is the one I would want to lose my virginity to. 

We made a plan to meet up and get intimate, but it was supposed to be just an "FWB" thing. Friends with Benefits. No strings attached, just sex, as friends. He knew that I self harm and he was ok with the cuts, coz only thing that was supposed to exist between us was sex. He also got me some weed occasionally.

Whenever I was home alone, I would cut, cry, masturbate. When this guy came into my life, I would call him over and have sex instead of crying and cutting. But then my addiction to self harm took over my lust and I started preferring cutting instead of sex. I would prefer the sight of blood, over the sight of cum. 

Meanwhile, I met another guy online who gave me his Id on another social media app where there are different groups we can join. I joined a group and someone sent a video of three men shooting a man in the head. The blood appeared pink and not red. I thought it was some kind of prank, so i dm'ed the sender about the video. Somehow, the video was satisfying. He said it was real. He asked me if he can add me to another group which has more such content. I said, "Yes!!" excitedly and he added me. Because of that group, there is nothing I haven't seen---child abuse, child pornography, bestiality, gore, suicide, murders, beheadings, stoning, animal cruelty (I do love animals, but it was somehow satisfying), and what not.  

Somehow I graduated with all the sex and the weed and all those videos and I decided to pursue further studies, my masters. The group became dead and I couldn't get more of the videos. For my masters, I decided to go to the college everyday, because my attendance at the time of B.Sc. affected my overall grades, so I didn't want the same to happen for M.Sc. The same tuition teachers who taught me in B.Sc. were again my teachers for M.Sc. tuitions. Tuitions are extra classes held outside the college or schools (in case you didn't know).

The new college (for M.Sc.) was a girl's college. It was pretty boring, but I attended it regularly until one day when a bad incident happened. 

Read the next part to know about the incident.


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Sun Mar 27, 2022 8:48 am
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Eros,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

From the title, I wouldn't have expected anything other than falling into a hole of danger and self-harm. It seemed very frightening in places, and yet it aroused a curiosity to know what happens next.

Let's start with what I noticed positively, you stay quite blunt with the descriptions, which I like. Since it's told from a first-person narrator's perspective, I think it's also fitting that you can interpret a certain naivety into it, which shows how the main character thinks about some things.

I also like that this makes you very direct and also the descriptions (especially when the character cut himself with the blade) feel very real and convincing. I actually had an itching in my legs when I read that.

What I also liked was how it all felt very autobiographical, in the sense that we don't have a direct speech here, but section by section we see some small stages of life that build on each other. I find the pace quite appropriate.

But what I also noticed was that the pace seemed a bit more hurried at the beginning than it does now in the later parts. I found it hectic at times, with so much information coming thick and fast, but I think this is also due to my lack of previous knowledge of chapter 1. I actually think it would help to insert a little bit, like little "filler sentences".

One thing I also noticed:

Not gonna lie, he was quite attractive, 6 ft tall, well maintained body, clean, and young.


Now I found "clean" a bit strange as a description, especially because you talk about drugs, and thought rather that you wanted to express "washed"?

In summary, it was an interesting chapter with a very developed tension.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Wed Feb 09, 2022 10:45 pm
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nashville_skyline wrote a review...



Here is a little review of your story (both parts actually).

This is definitely a strong story you are telling, well written and easy to follow (I mean that it is comprehensive). I liked it although it made me feel very sad of course.. It makes me wonder about your childhood before starting elementary school (apart from the horrendous surgeries you had to undergo as a little kid) - yes, I red The Untold Stories Behind The Scars first part too.. :-)

Also, for me to better understand the story (and the author of course), it would be a good idea to write little bit more about what motivated you to keep cutting yourself after the first incident in the bathroom:

"I gazed at the shiny piece of metal in my hand. I was a bit afraid, but took the new blade and made a cut on my calf muscle of the leg. I was new to self harm so I wasn't aware about how much pressure to be applied, so I ended up making the cut a little deep. Deep enough to bleed really good."

You described it very well but there is an explanation missing of how did that make you feel (apart from being afraid that your mum or sister would see it).
Then you go on further with:

"Whenever I was home alone, I would cut, cry,.." and then you mention that you even prefered cutting yourself to sex, so again, If I was you, I would explain a little why.

Of course I am well aware these are all really painful and sensitive issues you are writing about so if you omitted those things on purpose, I completely understand.

The only thing I can't wrap my mind around is how could be an animal lover ok with seeing videos of animal abuse? I'm not judging it's just a curiosity..

"Because of that group, there is nothing I haven't seen---child abuse, child pornography, bestiality, gore, suicide, murders, beheadings, stoning, animal cruelty (I do love animals, but it was somehow satisfying),.."

Maybe you will explain it in the next part?


Again, very nice work IMHO and I'm looking forward to read part 3. I think it's good for your soul to put it "on the paper" and out there in space. It's important to feel that we are being seen and heard and the sad thing is we rarely do.




Eros says...


Such a sweet review! Yeah I could have explained how it feels, nice idea xD thank you sooo much for the review I really loved your feedback xD <4



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Wed Feb 09, 2022 3:40 pm
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luciisdead says...



yes. just... yes.





okay I think I need to grab some nachos
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