Bruised Heart.

Hey Eros, this is Weirdo, here for another review. I'm sorry I took so long to get around reviewing this.

I can honestly say that this was an amazing poem, and I was able to relate to it as I am still trying to get over a tragic that has happened in my life. I think this poem captured a lot of feelings of someone who is suffering pain and is alone.

My Understanding
The first paragraph tells me the person is thinking about the situation or incident (that made him/her sad) again and again, thus she/he is torturing herself/himself.
The second & third paragraphs tell me this person is having a hard time getting over all this.
The fourth paragraph describes how the person is feeling alone, and how there is no one who would be the shoulder she/he needed.
The fifth one gave me the impression the narrator was isolated from the rest of the world.
The last one was probably the strongest, and it gave the poem an amazing ending.

There isn't anything I want to be changed in this poem, and I really liked it. Take it from someone who is going through all this, you captured the feelings someone feels when they are going through something horrible and they are doing this alone, without anyone to support them.

Looking forward to reviewing more of your work, even though I will probably not do it immediately (not sure about this, I might as well get it done today).
-Weirdo

Hi, Eros!

This is another great poem. A perfect lament. The pain strikes harder as the words grow stronger, I saw this in your poem. The rhyme-scheme was on pace. I liked it a lot, but made me feel sad when when I read these lines:

It went on for years,

events making me tremble with fear,

and making me afraid of living life,

until I made friends with weed and knife.

to forget the pains, I seeked weed

and sharp knives making my arms bleed.

Spending days, longing for snug hugs

away from the life full of thugs

yearning for a strong chest

to bury my head and for a while to rest

drinking wine with cheese and peanuts

late night, in a room of my house, so dark

sipping wine, while listening to the canines bark.
-
I sat there gazing at the sunset,

placing my fingers on the guitar fret,

playing songs of grief,

having deep meaning behind a story so brief.

Hello Eros...
I really enjoyed the poem, i liked the flow and the rhymes. The Imagery created here is quite fascinating as it is possible to visualize the events taking place as it unfolds. However, i seem to have a little issue with the rhyme. It is nice to rhyme, it gives the poem a rhythm, but somehow your rhymes seem forced, hence making room for ambiguity. In as much as you'd like to keep to a rhyming pattern, i'd suggest you try not making it too strict, it kind of limits the way your ideas flow, it boxes you to a tight corner. Let the words flow from your heart , let the emotions be free, don't limit it too much for rhyme..

Hey Eros,

Overall, I think this poem has a good speaker for a dramatic poem. I love the way that you're using rhyme here since it definitely emphasises some of the poem's darker tones through harkening back to Poe and other poets who like to make something sing-songy when it's incredibly dark.

I feel like this particular poem needs some help getting to the actual story, however. Sometimes you were a little too caught up in your aabb rhyme scheme to have the story actually come through and that has left you with some useless stanzas, and lines.

Let's take a look at the stanzas meanings to determine which those are.

S1: I'm stuck in a world of fire from people blaming me and no one believes me.
In this stanza your last line is awkward due to the need to use "they" at the end of the line, but honestly, you don't NEED to use "they" as the end. You can totally use enjambment to make this line work without ending with "were they". You can do that by making the next line include the end of the sentence in the line before it, the end of this stanza.

"Swallowed by the untrue statements, they

lost sight of me. It went on for years"

That being said, I think you could spice up this line a bit. The line itself is pretty useless. All you're saying with it is just the speaker's interpretation of why they don't believe them. To me, it seems self-explanatory and not really part of the poem's meat. The meat of this poem is the depression and resolution to that depression. Why does it matter that they don't believe them? Why not say something more pertinent like getting into how the speaker feels, or what their disbelief does to them?

S2: It took a while to get this bad, but when it did, I resorted to drugs and self-harm.
To me, the first two lines of this stanza are pretty useless. Depression isn't always slow or quick, so it's not like it's obvious that it would take a while, but I feel like that space would be better spent getting into an exact case. Maybe the last straw which finally threw this person through the emotional turmoil of deciding to take drugs and self-harm.

If we had that, then we would be able to see more of this situation. You could even have it be the event when they were introduced to it. Obviously you only have two lines here but it could be something as simple as "I cut my finger making breakfast/ and forgot how that day passed" then move in and change your second rhyme pair to explain the drugs. "I heard it helped with pain,/ but it made me feel safe and sane"

Do you see how that's more of an active thing than what you have now? Right now you're describing events from the outside of them, not retelling what happened, but restating events for instance: There was an earthquake this morning in Hong Kong [making this up]. vs The ground shook beneath Li's feet, and the hanging pots banged and clattered. One is absent from the event, one is at the event. I want more things at the event.

S3: I resorted to drugs and self-harm.
You see how this is literally the end of Stanza 2? You have some more details here, but I'd like more things that are directly involving the person and showing the day to day here rather than just a repetition of "I did this" because to me, this is one of the stanzas that can be completely cut. It doesn't add anything to the poem right now as it is. You have a nice metaphor of a dart, but you don't do anything with it, you don't go into what that dart is, or how it hurts, or why it's there, or who threw it, or anything. You just say it's there probably because you're just trying to fill rhyme quota.

S4: I used to sit in the dark drinking wine and eating peanuts. Dogs were barking outside all the time.
I loooove this one. This is what I want more of!

S5: I was incredibly lonely, but I was mixed up with bad people.
I think this one has some good benefits to it, but it is just a bit too -event- rather than -scene- for me. I feel like you could have your speaker do something like making a nest of blankets or pillows, or curling up against a wall, maybe showing how things got worse, such as not being able to afford wine, and then not being able to afford peanuts, or even showing the thugs and showing how they treat them.

I do like the "snug hugs" though because that's really a good use of a double rhyme. That's really one of your strengths with rhyming. You don't JUST rhyme at the end, you scatter in internal rhyme to make it flow better, and I really appreciate that with your poem.

S6: I played the guitar to pass the time and get my emotions out
I feel like we need a little more transition to this. Did they die? are they alive? are they clean? Did they stop self-harming? Where are we in this story in this final stanza? I'd like to know more information about that to see how they ended up with a guitar watching the sunset, unless of course it's metaphorical sunset and they're talking about what happened as they die. In that case, it might be nice to work in the sunset to the poem earlier for some foreshadowing.

All in all, I think your rhyme scheme works well. You should work on formatting on YWS given how many poems you have XD Here's an article on several methods and links to other articles which might explain things better How to Format Poetry

Good job!
See you around.

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:


Thanks for sharing this poem about a person's bizarre reaction of resorting to weed, self mutilation using a knife, consuming wine cheese and peanuts and playing a guitar while gazing at sunsets and finally sitting in a dark room and listening to dogs barking in response to stress. The things that led to this are said to be the presence of thugs, the lack of snug hugs and a chest to place a head on.

Please note that I understand and can empathize with a person consumed in despair and anguish that he or she seeks isolation since isolation does provide a relief from the pressure that others might be placing on a victim. Temporary isolation is a normal reaction to extreme pressure unless taken to a extreme. However, cutting oneself with a knife is not a normal reaction and clearly indicates a need for professional psychological help.

Nevertheless as a written piece it does convey writing skill that if honed can lead to a successful writing career.


Suggestions

It would be better if some of the word-order read more naturally.

Tense discrepancy:

Torturing my heart with flames [I tortured . . .]

[o]f the false claims and blames[,]

[n]obody believing all that I say[,]

[Believing and “say” seems to make it seem rather present, yet you go on to describe past events. Past would be ”believed” and ”said”.]

[s]tuck on their untrue statements were they. [Wrenched word-order.]

--

It went on for years,

[e]vents making me tremble with fear[,]

[a]nd making me afraid of living life[,]

[u]ntil I made friends with weed and knife. [Nice flow!]

--

Living with the heavy heart [Cliche’]

[o]f grief, stuck to it was the dart[.] [Wrenched word-order.]

To forget the pains, I seeked weed [ The word “sought” sounds more poetic.]

[a]nd sharp knives making my arms bleed.

--

The blood oozing out of the cuts . . .

Drinking wine with cheese and peanuts . . .

Late night, in a room of my house[,] so dark[,]

[s]ipping wine, while listening to the dogs bark. [Nice! How about “canines bark”?]

--

Spending days, longing for tight hugs [“snug hugs” To add rhyme.]

[a]way from the life full of thugs[,]

[y]earning for a strong chest

[t]o bury my head and for a while to rest[,]

--

I sat there gazing at the sunset[,]

[p]lacing my fingers on the guitar fret, [Nice!]

[p]laying songs of grief[,]

[h]aving deep meaning behind a story so brief.

Looking forward to reading more of your work.