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Young Writers Society



The two lovers under the tamarind tree...

by Eros


A/N : Friends, this is written in a different style. Some common words have been used differently. Example, "you" = ya; "my" = me. Please just ignore the stupid style if you don't like it.

Loyata, a young boy of 18 was a lonely wanderer with tangled hair and brown skin. He was homeless, and would just roam around the small town of Lestania located in the big modern city of Henaya Cava. He sold tamarinds which he plucked from a forest to earn a living. He did not earn much, but it was enough to half-fill his growling stomach. His stomach never remained full.

There was shaggy restaurant, which had a small, tin roof, a wooden table and few chairs. This was a common place for the lonely wanderers, the tired and weary bus drivers, the labourers of the construction site and also the house painters with white paints spilled on their patched clothes. Loyata would also go there, and since he had very little money he would eat just two breads which the restaurant owner would keep ready for him and then he laid his head on the green bench made of galvanised iron constructed on the roadside, and doze off to sleep. Every day, he did the same thing. But now, he was tired of his life.

"What the hell! Every morning, the same routine! I am just tired of it. Death is better than living in this poverty! Taking the burns of the scorching heat, taking the pains of walking so long to sell this! No food, no proper clothes... I'm just... FED UP!" and he thumped his foot on the fertle soil under the soothing shadow of the tamarind tree in the forest wrapped in the morning dusk.

These words fell upon the ears of Vernalia, a pretty young girl of 16, with long black hair braided into two ponies, who was passing through the forest. She went near Loyata to see if anything was wrong with him.

"Who are ya, young boy?" asked Vernalia softly

" I am Loyata, but who are ya?"

" I am Vernalia. I live in the house in the village of Kaityanagari which is at the outskirts of Lestania."

"But why are ya in this forest, and that too so early in the morning?" asked Loyata with caring look.

" I am here to gather woods which we use to cook food and heat water. May I ask why are ya --"

The growling sound of Loyata's stomach interrupted Vernalia. She asked if he was hungry and he nodded to say yes. Vernalia asked him to wait under the tree, and she would come quickly. Vernalia told her mother that a small dear was looking at her with hungry eyes, when she was gathering wood, and asked if she could take a chappati to feed it. Vernalia lied because villagers of Kaityanagari did not allow girls to be with boys until they are married. Vernalia's mother said yes. She went to the forest to give the hot, but dry chapati to Loyata, which he ate. He thanked her.

Vernalia completed her previous question, " May I ask why are ya here in the forest?"

Loyata told her that he plucked tamarinds and sold them to earn a living, though It was not enough to fill his stomach fully. He also told her that he ate two breads from the restaurant. Vernalia asked him to come daily and said that she would be happy to serve him a chapati. So, everyday Loyata filled his half stomach by the two breads in the resturant, and then Vernalia would complete his diet. Soon, they began to like each other's presence, and they gradually fell in love with other.

Loyata held Vernalia's hand firmly, and knealing on knees he whispered, " I Love ya, Vernalia". Vernalia walked closer and resting her head on the chest of Loyata, she whispered, "Love ya too, Loyata", and with that Loyata gently moved Vernalia's hair away from her face, and both of them kissed each other desperately, quenching the thirst of each other. Vernalia did not tell this to her family, because she feared she might lose Loyata forever.

The time took an evil turn. One day, while plucking the tamarinds, a snake came gliding from the jungle, raised it's fangs and directed them forward, the poison glands of the venomous snake sqeezed, and flickering it's toungue it bit Loyata on his right leg just above the ankle. and Loyata's blood was filled with poison. Loyata removed his scarf and tied it a little above the two marks which the snake made before leaving. At that moment, Vernalia arrived, and on seeing Loyata with the snakebite, she immediately ran to the village to call the village doctor, named Vaidya Ji. Vaidya Ji arrived and he treated Loyata. Loyata was serious, and he needed to be admitted in the Central Hospital of the town Lestania. He was admitted in emergency. He was fighting with the sharp toothed jaws of death. His dead - alive closed eyes saw no image other than Vernalia's cheerful face. His dead - alive heart said nothing but, " God, help! Me Verna wants this Loya". His dead - alive brain thought of nothing but Vernalia. Doctors were just thrusting Loyata with injections, and were taking rapid steps to anyhow save the young gentleman, dressed poorly, pitiously. 

Hours passed by. Vernalia was just praying forvently, "Lord, you cannot take me Loyata ... No! Lord you have to save him" . Finally the machine showed the heartbeats flickering twice, and then getting normal, and slowly growing stronger. 

"The patient is out of danger. No need to worry, you all may leave him under our observation for a day or so, and then we will give him the discharge" said the doctor, releiveing everyone and e-specially Vernalia. Vernalia requested the doctor to see Loyata. Despite of the protests of the nurses and her family, she went to see him. Loyata was weak because of the medicines he was given, and the long fight which he won against the death. Loyata still, managed to open his eyes, and both of them could see a realization in each other's eyes--- a realization that love has enormous power. 

After Loyata got discharge, they thought of convincing Vernalia's family and the villagers of Kaityapur about their love, and ask permission of their marriage. But the villagers and the family did not listen. Instead, they hid Vernalia in a  room on the second foor of a lonely duplex in a secretive place. Nobody except her family knew about it. Even she herself didn't know because her eyes were tied with a black cloth on the way. She was fed, and given water and was again locked. Only a small window was kept opened for the fresh air. Loyata would remain lost in her thoughts. He didn't even care for his growling stomach. He left going to the restaurant for having the two breads. He kept searching for her. Once while thinking of her, he fell asleep under the same tamarind tree. He saw a dark, lonely room with a silhouted image of Vernalia in the dream. When he woke up, he thought upon the dream and he felt again and again that they have hid Verna in Kaityanagari itself. Villagers kept a strict watch on the gate of Kaityapur. 

Loyata makes a plan. He wears girls' dress and the wig which he steals from The Drama Shop in the centre of Lestania. He tells the villagers, " I am new here. I have come to live in Kaityanagari and I study in a girls' college in Lestania." This way he outwits the villagers, and gains an entry into the village. He keeps on walking and walking. At a turning of a narrow, quiet lane, his heart races and he feels the urge to feel Verna. He goes in the lane and hears the sweet singing of a girl. It was Verna. He looks to his right, and left and when assured that nobody is around he sneaks in the dark duplex. 

"Vernalia, are ya in there?"

"Oh, Loyata!"

" I'm here in a girl's dress..."

"Loya, please leave as fast as ya can. It's 8:30 a.m. and me mother would be comin' here at any time"

"Okay... But be ready at midnight. I'll come and free ya"

He creeps out of the duplex. He sits under the same old tamarind tree and thinks of how he should take away Verna. The sun sets, and his anxiety increases. He prays to the setting sun to help him with his plan. At midnight, he goes into the duplex with a small ignited candle---which he has again stolen from some house. He opens the lock with a hairpin. Vernalia breathes in a fresh air of freedom. Both of them runs into the jungle under the tamarind tree. They walk in the jungle beating the ground with a long stick in order to beware from the snakes. Very carefully, they somehow crossed it. They reached at the borders of Lestania. They then walked out of Lestania and thus reaching at the centre of Henaya Cava. According to the plan, they headed to the lavish, posh city of Juffrey Korticona which was far far from the village. But a main question was of crossing the desert of Lahoya Mato which separated the two cities of Henaya Cava and Juffrey Corticona. The villagers were searching them everywhere they could. Their men have now reachd at the borders of Henaya Cava, and they could easily find them if they do not cross the desert. They were sure that the villagers can never cross the desert, and they would never even think or imagine that they might be in Juffrey Corticona. So, hurriedlh they walked into the desert. They kept on walking for so long. They walked hand in hand with other. Loya looked at Verna's tired but cheerful face. His true love kept the cheerfulness alive on her face. They began to feel too thirsty. They kissed each other desparately and this kiss was the only thing which quenched their thirst in the scorching heat. Soon, the sun was about to set, and the hot sand of the desert became warm, and soon it chilled down. The cold sand and the cold night soothened the burned bodies of the two lovers. They halted for the night, slept for a couple of hours, and again began their long exhausting journey. They walked and walked for 3 days... all the day, all the night pushing their bodies on the sinking sand of Lahoya Mato. And soon they they croosed it.

Their toes touched the soil of Juffrey Corticona and some sort of a little prosperity filled their lives. Loya and Verna took up a job in a posh restaurant. They could now fill their stomachs fully, and also were left with some extra money. They lived in a house which they themselves built, and paid the electricity bill from the extra money they had. Loya's love was more precious for Verna than her family. She was happy with Loya, but always wished that her family and Kaityapur should have accepted them. Kaityapur was sad and they had to regret for having lost their beloved Verna forever, becuase of their fault of not accepting Loya. 

The power of love is enormous. No adverse circumstances can break the true love. True love always wins.


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277 Reviews


Points: 1335
Reviews: 277

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Sun Apr 24, 2016 4:06 am
Charm wrote a review...



Hey! I'm here to review your work as you requested. So let's get into the review :P

First Impressions:
Before I read a work I always scroll down to see if there are any formatting issues or just things that catch my eye. I noticed that you had a lot of huge paragraphs. I'm one of the readers that likes small paragraphs because they aren't so overwhelming and provide breaks.
The second thing I noticed is that at the top you talk about your 'style'. The first thing is, I wouldn't all this a 'style' since a writer's style incorporates a lot of things. For example the point of view, the amount of literary devices, dialogue, etc. The second this is that this 'style' is not rare at all and I'm not quite sure why you felt the need to put that on the top of the page. I'm sure 99.9999% of readers would not bat an eye if they saw that. It's very normal in writing, I'm sure you've seen it in novels before.

Comments as I read:
"His stomach never remained full."
The first paragraph was sort of 'eh' for me but that's just because I'm all about show don't tell and I feel like you told a lot that you could have shown. Also the last sentence confused me. It seemed to simple and short compared to the other and stuck out like a sore thumb.
"There was shaggy restaurant, which had a small, tin roof, a wooden table and few chairs."
I feel like you could have done more with this. Maybe add more imagery. What kind of wood? Was the tin rusty or polished? How were the chairs positioned? Do you see what I'm getting at?
"But now, he was tired of his life."
I think you should change this to, 'until one day' or something like that because this doesn't sound that great when you read it out loud and it confused me because the line before it was worded similarly.
"These words fell upon the ears of Vernalia, a pretty young girl of 16, with long black hair braided into two ponies, who was passing through the forest. She went near Loyata to see if anything was wrong with him."
Spice it up! Give us some imagery! Give us something that makes us go 'wow! that is one great scene!' right now I don't even see the scene. Also this is not a play :P try not to write direct, specific commands.
When the snake bites the guy make it more descriptive. I didn't even realize the snake attacked him.
" God, help! Me Verna wants this Loya".
I don't even know what you were trying to say here.
"He creeps out of the duplex."
WOAH! Wooooaaahh! You just changed the tense from past tense to present. That is not okay xD and you need to fix that. No excuse xD

Story/Plot:
a realization that love has enormous power.
This makes me squirm! It's really cliche and has been used millions of times. At least add some metaphors or imagery to spice it up!
The power of love is enormous. No adverse circumstances can break the true love. True love always wins.
More cliche!
Honestly cliches don't bother me a lot but I just feel like your writing at least this short lacks emotion and lacks description or as I like to call both of these things 'color'. Your work is like a blank coloring sheet. It follows the rules and is neat but it lack the color that makes it beautiful and unique.

Grammar:
"I'm just... FED UP!'"
Capitalizing words in dialogue is probably one of my biggest pet peeves. For me it just looks weird it makes me think lower of the writer's experience in writing and it just rubs me the wrong way. I really believe with all my heart that an exclamation mark is enough to get the point across and I'm sure the readers can tell how loud a word should be yelled or not bye just the way it's written.
You put spaces after the quotes on some of the lines of dialogue.
"So, hurriedlh they walked into the desert."
Hurriedly?

Dialogue:
I'm going to be honest and tell you I didn't enjoy your dialogue. It felt choppy and unrealistic. The way you used 'ya' just sounded weird and unnatural and I should know what this is supposed to sound like because I live in the South (USA). I don't see anyone talking like how you wrote your dialogue and if I did I would immediately think that they are scripted. Try reading your dialogue out loud and try breaking it apart where you think best to add in description. Also just in general, add more description after your dialogue!

Summary:
Reading through this felt awkward. I just had this weird feeling the whole time. I didn't tap into any emotional except slight discomfort. I really hate to be harsh but I'm always honest in my reviews. I think that adding 'ya' and those things just made me not like your dialogue a little bit more. It just didn't seem to work out to your favor. The dialogue was already awkward and you just added to it by adding 'ya'. Every time I read a 'ya' I imagined the characters talking like they weren't intelligent.
I think if you add more detail and literary devices to this work it will help it improve a ton! Also I felt like the entire story was told and not shown, to the point that it got boring. Show us scene of them asking the villagers permission to get marriage. Show us the emotion they have when they get refused. Describe that emotion!

I'm sorry this review was harsh,
Alice ♥




Eros says...


Thank you for the review, Alice! Thank you for opening the ways to improve. We learn by our mistakes, and I will surely try to improve. Thanks again!



Charm says...


No problem! :)



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46 Reviews


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Reviews: 46

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Tue Apr 19, 2016 7:32 pm
Joelsweet wrote a review...



Considering that English is your second language, this is pretty good. I'm not going to go into all the grammar errors, since the previous reviewer already did that. This story is certainly more fleshed out than the previous one I reviewed, so that's good. ^^ This one could certainly use more, though. More details, I mean. All in all, it was a pretty sweet story, although it needs work.

Thanks~
-Joelsweet




Eros says...


Thank you for the review, Joe! :D



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54 Reviews


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Reviews: 54

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Tue Apr 19, 2016 4:38 pm
Desdemona wrote a review...



Bonjour, je suis le chat noir.
Hello, I'm BlackCatXx and I'm here to review you :)

I didn't mind the "stupid style" as you call it. It's a very common way of speech employed by millions of people.

Anyways, to work, to work.

You've got a really broad imagination, but I don't think you pay much attention to your sentences.

"He did not earn much, but it was enough to half-fill his growling stomach. His stomach never remained full."

His stomach was never full to begin with, so it could not remain full.

"There was shaggy restaurant, which had a small, tin roof, a wooden table and few chairs."

Place names must be capitalized.


" also the house painters with white paints spilled on their patched clothes."

"Paints" is not a noun. It's a verb. If you want to use something in the plural, use paint droplets.

Such is also the case with "pains" "breads" "burns" Find more creative and interesting ways of describing things, because the way you said these is incorrect and also really dull.

You also tend to make really long sentences, and use too many commas and conjunctions.
Try to reduce that a little because it feels like the entire story is just a really long sentence.

You also tend to get confused a lot and forget words in your sentences. I'm sure a bit of rereading can fix that. You also switch from tense to tense in your story, leaving the reader confused. Like I said, you've just got to read and read over and over again until you're sure there are no mistakes.

You should also think more before you write stories, so that you can have a concrete idea of where you want your story to go.

Anyways, PM me with any questions you might have.

Keep smiling, and keep writing.

~Izzah
(BlackCatXx)

Ps. Chapati is amazing.




Eros says...


Thnk you for the review, BlackCatXx!!




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