Young Writers Society

This is Weirdo, here with a review for review day (sorry, it took so long). The usual stuff-

Please know that nothing in this review is meant to offend you or your work. This is just my opinion, you and other readers and reviewers could disagree. You also might want to completely ignore this, after all, it's just the opinion of a random person in the middle of somewhere. Sorry if I miss read something or misunderstood something and pointed it in the review. I didn't have the time to go through the previous reviews, so sorry if I repeat something already said.
That being said, let's get into this review.

Let me start by saying, amazing topic, I agree on it completely, and now for the criticising part,

One thing I have noticed is that you stick to a very particular format while writing poetry. This is not exactly bad, but if you would not punctuate every line, it wouldn't be bad either.

I personally believe that poetry should not be bound to a format or a strict rhyme scheme, and if you find it helpful, you could try to experiment this way and see what happens. This kind of form would be amazing for this poem... according to me.

Hope this helps

Weirdo out

Hello there Eros. I am Kostia here to give you a review for your poem.

let me start by saying I like the message you are trying to pass here. I tottally agree with you that discrimination should be stoped and it doesn't serve anyone well.

Your vocabulary is simple and direct and you managed to capture the reader's attention both with the subject you chose to construct your poem upon and the use of imperative that almost makes it personal.

You chose verses that don't rhyme (modern poetry) which doesn't bother me at all. Your poem has a reasonable flow.

However there are a few things you can change. I would suggest that you add some imagery to this. Every poem needs a few strong images. In this case you worked more with feelings and thoughts which is not wrong (that's actually exactly what I usually do when writing, I focus a lot on the emotion and often forget to add images and further information on my work in order to engage the reader and make it more understandable) but imagery is often needed so that the readers visualisation is engaged.

Other than that in my opinion you use a lot of imperative which comes off a bit needy and agressive I would suggest you change that.
For instance:

"Please, stop letting your thoughts,

From getting restrained by the customs;

Please, stop surrendering yourself,

To the ropes of caste, Creed and religion,

Binding tightly to your heart,

Digging into your soul."
Instead of saynig "please stop" you can start with a question instead of an imperative. You could start with a "why are you letting your thoughts" the way that I see it a question is far more poetic than an imperative statement.

Another way to do this is by simply stating what people do like: "You, letting your thoughts,

From getting restrained by the custom" In this way it's more like you are talking to people who discriminate rather than ordering them or pleading.

Moreover, I would change the last lines:

"Forget the difference of traits between us,

And please start loving me!"

to

"Instead of hating the difference of traits between us"
"start loving them "or something that sends the same message.

Keep up the good work I really liked what you tried to say here and I would love to see the edited version of your work!

Eros,

I generally enjoy your poetry, but this one I had a hard time with some of your warrants for your overall point - I'm going to comment on that:

To start off with it's intriguing that your author's note says both not to take this personally and not to be offended.

If I am not to read a poem and let it effect me personally ... then what good is it? Is it even art?

Despite the disclaimer in the authors note, I do find this poem both offensive and the message to be contradictory.

What is good about respecting and loving minorities? Our diversity and shared humanity.
And yet, in stanza one and two, you reject diversity by rejecting people's customs and what they hold most dearly. Which is akin to saying, "I love you, but only if you act exactly like me, only if you give up what you hold most dearly, only if you aren't you". -> Do you see the issue? It's inconsistent with the message of blind love in the last stanza.

I think that you may not have intended that message to come across, and perhaps mean a different connotation of the word "customs" -> since it seems to be a important point of the piece, I'd strongly suggest looking up the word.

This poem also just about spills into the notion of ignoring aspects of privilege and difference by saying "everyone's a minority" -> which seems again logically untrue. Turning a blind eye to racism, sexism, discrimination and saying "we've all received the same treatment and possibilities in life" is just not true, and I don't think is all that helpful.

Lastly, the implication that holding religion close to your heart, makes you unloving or causes you to discriminate is probably going to come off as offensive to anyone who is themselves religious. That's fine, but you might find a more persuasive argument if you warranted your claims and connections better (ie. give an example of how religion breeds hatred) or if you take a softer approach.

I do not consider what I've written to be a review, because it is mostly commentary on the message of the piece rather than interest in its poetic form, so I'll mark it as a comment.

But I would suggest taking a second look at some of the word choice and claims you have here.

As well as considering what you want the effect of the poem to be - if people aren't supposed to take it's message to heart, or take it personally, then what is the purpose of the poem? A thought experiment maybe?

And finally, you are free to ignore my comments as to the offensiveness of the piece - not everyone needs to agree on these issues, but I mention it because I think that a few of the statements might ward off other readers who may very well enjoy the piece if you'd be a bit more careful in your phrasing and overall points.

as always your beautiful work has nearly brought tears to me eyes. this work is just so perfect. gush... every bit of your work is perfect.


and as always I have find some very beautiful quotes for your VERY BEAUTIFUL WORK.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart. -Helen Keller


Dream, struggle, create, prevail. Be daring. Be brave. Be loving. Be compassionate. Be strong. Be brilliant. Be beautiful. - Caterina Fake


If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. - Anatole France


Everything that is made beautiful and fair and lovely is made for the eye of one who sees. - Rumi


Love is like a beautiful flower which I may not touch, but whose fragrance makes the garden a place of delight just the same. - Helen Keller

Always keep that happy attitude. Pretend that you are holding a beautiful fragrant bouquet. -Earl Nightingale

And so I've returned from the depths yet again, intrigued by a piece of literature, only to deliver a neutral critique. It's a compliment. I rarely review anymore.

Well, the point is admirable. After all, vanity is the greatest of sins. Why judge in vain?

However, it is also just a little redundant.. I mean, everyone accepts minorities by now. Whoever doesn't accept minorities belongs to, well, an ostracized minority of people. Brings up an interesting sociological paradox, but I'll keep that to sociology class and judge the poem for its form and literary value instead!

I do suppose it's free-verse. Well, anyone who knows me knows that it's not necessarily my cup of tea, nor is anything stemming from symbolism, or, in fact, the latter half of the 19th century (except for decadence. Decadence rules). Still, it's a valid form.

However, since the message is rather common, the work would benefit either from a stricter form (adding some meter or rhyme can never hurt). That, or more artistic methods to spice up the poem, like metaphors, personification and the like.

I suppose all I'm saying is that the message could be conveyed in a much more intriguing manner. This screams 'open letter' or 'speech' more than it does 'poem.' And that's my main gripe with it.
How about conveying the message through the story of a hummingbird, quite meager in size and capacity compared to, say, the falcons of the sky. Then build upon that with the problem the poem addresses. Don't just outright tell the reader what you're thinking. Have them come to that conclusion.

People remember stories more than bare ideals. For example, that's why Jesus didn't preach, rather he told stories that were meant to bring the problematic topic closer to the common people.
If you convey your message by means of a memorable and truly intriguing story (needn't be linear or epical at all. Lyrical works can have a light storyline of sorts too), people will be more touched by your work and there's a higher chance of them taking it to heart - remembering it.

Which print title hits you more, "Drivers shouldn't drink because they endanger pedestrians," or "Drunk driver kills a mother of two, lawmakers tighten the noose for DUI offenders"?

A morbid example, but you get my point.

Anyway, those are all my suggestions. I hope you find some value in them! Peace!