z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Magical Musician---3

by Eros


Chapter 3: The News.

The same day...

In the school, Sabu met his friends. During break the broken vase was in his mind, but the surprise test that followed immediately, gave him a shock so intense that the thought of throwing the vase away vanished from his memory. He realized it not until the end of the day, when he was in the bus with his brother on the way back to home.

At home, he was welcomed by his mother with showers of angry words.

"Where. Is. The. Vase?"

"M-m-mom, I was going to tell about it .. b-but--"

"BUT WHAT?" His mom shouted at him.

Sabu removed the broken pieces wrapped in paper from his bag

Sabu was trying to think about ways to put blame on Sanju but Lajwanti wasn't in a mood to listen anything. The little argument turned to a fiery war ruled by Lajwanti's anger. Yashwanti and Parimal were upstairs watching television. The sound of television covered up the noise of their heated argument.

But suddenly the angry war had to be ceased because of the ring at the doorbell.

It was Abba. But he seemed rather confused.

"I don't know why people were staring at me... Craaazy people," Abba ran his hands through Sabu's hair and gave him a toffee.

"No need to give him anything, Abba! Look what your beloved grandson has done."

"Oh.. what did he do, Lajjo?" Abba asked with a laugh. Abba never felt like he was a stranger in the house. Instead he felt as if he knows everyone since a long time.

"He has broken my favorite vase, Abba. It was gifted to me by his dad when we met for the first time." Lajwanti loved Lokesh and she cherished everything that he brought for her. 

"Oh, come on Lajjo. The vase was gifted to you by Lokesh right?"

Lajwanti nodded with her lips curved down in sadness.

"Then you should not scold Sabu. He is the most beautiful gift given to you by Lokesh."

These words touched Lajwanti's heart and her eyes became moist with happiness. She hugged Sabu and her anger melted down in an instant. 

The silence was broken by a huge chaos. Abba went inside to freshen up and Lajwanti opened the door to look what was the noise about.

She was shocked to see a crowd of reporters with cameras hung around their neck and ladies holding mike. As soon as Lajwanti stepped outside, everyone surrounded her. 

"Ma'am, we heard there is someone in your house who was dead he suddenly become alive!?"

"Ma'am, please can we meet him?"

"Ma'am do you know anything how did he become alive again?"

Lajwanti was confused and didn't know what to say.

Surprisingly, Lokesh arrived early that day. He saw the crowd of media and asked them to go away. They didn't answer any of their questions and went back inside their home, locking the door behind. The media reporters had to leave after some time.

Yashwanti and Parimal came back downstairs when they heard the noise outside. 

"What was the noise for?" Parimal questioned.

Lajwanti said, "Bhabhi, it was the media. They were asking about how Abba became alive."

Bhabhi is a polite way of addressing one's elder brother's wife or husband's elder brother's wife.

Yashwanti added, "How did they come to know?"

"Must be the neighbors... Bhabhi, the news reaches the reporters really fast." Lokesh replied.

Lajwanti went into the kitchen and brought some cold orange juice for everyone. She took two glasses in Sabu's room where he was playing video games with Abba. He kept the glasses and went in the hall where the other family members were gossiping.

"Lajjo! I forgot to give you this." Everyone called Lajwanti as Lajjo with love.

Lajjo was surprised and excited when she saw the movie tickets. Parimal and Yashwanti were jealous of her. That night, Parimal and Yashwanti cooked dinner for the family. When Lajwanti and Lokesh returned home from movie late at night, everyone was asleep. They had dinner and went into the terrace. The dark night was studded with stars. Lokesh pulled Lajwanti closer to him. They looked up at the crescent moon.

"Lajjo..." Lokesh whispered.

"Yes?"

"Your smile is like that crescent moon. Never let it turn into the inverted crescent."

Lajjo smiled and blushed,"It will always stay the same," Lajjo looked in his eyes as she wrapped her arms around Lokesh's neck. He was lost in her deep black eyes too. She continued, "Till the day you are with me. Please, never go away."

"I will never. But right now, let's go and sleep. You have to wake up early tomorrow again."

They went inside and slept cuddling each other.

The next morning, the newspaper vendor said to Lajwanti, "The news applies to Abba also!"

She was shocked to read the newspaper. Abba was not the only one who had become alive after death. 

The newspaper had the following headline on the front page:

Lajwanti showed the newspaper to everyone after Sanju and Sabu went to their school and Abba went to the temple. Everyone was discussing on a serious note. It was the time to disclose the reality to Abba. 

When Abba was returning back to home from temple, he read the news from the local newspaper vendor's shop. He recalled how Sabu said, "But Abba, how did you become alive?" and how Sanju stopped him from completing his sentence, when the kids came to take him home. He was assured that the same case has happened with him too because otherwise why would any family take a stranger inside their house and behave as if they had known for him for years? 

At the same time, he was also relieved to know that he was not the only one with whom this strange situation has happened.

Now will Abba get angry at the family members for hiding the truth from him? How will the family convince him about how he had died and came back to life just after about 5 days? How are so many dead people getting alive? Read to know more...


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235 Reviews


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Sat Apr 13, 2019 5:16 pm
4revgreen wrote a review...



Hey! Che here for a review!

This has been drifting around the green room for a while so I figured I'd give you another review!

I'll start by pointing out any areas I think might need a little bit more work :-)


During break the broken vase was in his mind, but the surprise test that followed immediately, gave him a shock so intense that the thought of throwing the vase away vanished from his memory.

This is a very long sentence, and the comma after "immediately" isn't needed. I suggest you fiddle around with it a little.


He realized it not until the end of the day, when he was in the bus with his brother on the way back to home.

I think this would make more sense as "He didn't realise it until the end of the day...."


At home, he was welcomed by his mother with showers of angry words.

Would make more sense as "...with a shower of angry words"


Sabu was trying to think about ways to put blame on

You started the previous sentence with Sabu as well so I would change it to He

But suddenly the angry war had to be ceased because of the ring at the doorbell.

This would sound better as "....the war ceased to be..."

Instead he felt as if he knows everyone since a long time.

I think it should be "...he felt as if though he'd known everyone for a long time"


Obviously, this is chapter 3 and I haven't read the previous 2 chapters so forgive me for fully understanding the story!

Your story had a lot of speech that drove the story forward quite quickly which I think is a good thing. Especially because like Kostia said previously, this seems like it was written for younger readers. I also liked the addition of the newspaper- I thought that was pretty funny. I will say that you don't have much description; and speech can get a little boring if there is no break in between.

Regardless, I think this story could be enjoyed well by some younger readers! I couldn't find any other faults with it!

Keep writing!

Regards, Che :-)




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Wed Mar 06, 2019 5:20 pm
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Chinku says...



Hey Eros!
The story is full of suspense, makes a sense to read more and more . Love this piece of work.
All the best,
Keep writing.




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Thu Feb 28, 2019 6:25 pm
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Swetachowdhury0 says...



Hey @Eros, hope you are fine...

Okay, it is going well and finally, the mystery is going to solve I guess and I am waiting for it... How is that possible? Right. Adding the newspaper part is a great move.. It is entertaining and exciting... Great work... Keep it up and publish next part soon.. Lots of love... Have a great day




Eros says...


Thank you Soo much Sweta !! I am Soo happy you liked it ... :D :D <3





Most welcome





Most welcome



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Thu Feb 28, 2019 12:46 pm
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kostia wrote a review...



Hello there Eros

I am Kostia here to write you a review!

Over all that was a fairly good read. However I think it is intended for younger readers.

I will start with the technical issues of it, mainly focusing on grammar and phrasing/ wording.

"He realized it not until the end of the day, when he was in the bus with his brother on the way back to home.

At home, he was welcomed by his mother with showers of angry words."

I would change the phrasing a bit here:

"He didn't realized it until the end of the day, when he was in the bus with his brother on the way back to home.

When he arrived, he was welcomed by his mother with showers of angry words."

I think it reads better like that since "he realized it not" seems very formal for this occation and the word "home" got repetitive.

""M-m-mom, I was going to tell (you) about it .. b-but--"" it would read better with adding the word "you" here.

" The little argument turned to a fiery war ruled by Lajwanti's anger. Yashwanti and Parimal were upstairs watching television. The sound of television covered up the noise of their heated argument.

But suddenly the angry war had to be ceased because of the ring at the doorbell."

I think you need to change some of the wording here. The word "war" was a bit excessive in this setting. Try using something exagurated but sarcastic like: " Their little argument swiftly turned their house in a war zone "
Same here:
"But suddenly the angry war had to be ceased because of the ring at the doorbell." I would suggest something like:
"But suddenly the argument was interrupted by the ring of the doorbell." I think it is more correct to phrase it like that.

"Lajwanti loved Lokesh and she cherished everything that he brought for her. " in this case I believe it would be better to say "Lajwanti loved Lokesh and she cherished everything he ever gifted to her. "

"She was shocked to see a crowd of reporters with cameras hung around their neck and ladies holding mike. "
You can alter this a bit in the end of the sentance and turn it to "and ladies holding mikes" plural is more fitting here I think. Moreover maybe you d like to discribe them a bit further to make it more realistic.

"Ma'am, we heard there is someone in your house who was dead he suddenly become alive!?" In this case became alive seems unfitting I would replace it with "came back to life"

"Ma'am do you know anything how did he become alive again?" same as here.

"What was the noise for?" Parimal questioned." I think it would be better to say "What was all the noise about?"

Now here;

"Must be the neighbors... Bhabhi, the news reaches the reporters really fast." it would be better to use the phrase "news spread really fast" rather than the verb "reaches"

"When Abba was returning back to home from temple," I would rephrase that to "As Abba was returning home from the temple," maybe you don't even have to include the words "from the temple" but either way is fine.

Moreover I would suggest you to work on the newspaper page. Try making it more formal. Other than that I loved the fact you added this image to make it more realistic! Good work!

Content:

I think this is a pretty good read and I enjoyed the innocence in it. It is one of those that makes your day when reading it and it leaves you with a feeling of joy after reading it regardless of the contents or the story line. It does need some work but I found it very pleasent. I am sure once you edit this it will be much better. One thing I believe you don't need to change is the atmosphere and the simplicity of it.

Generally it was easy and entertaining to read. Great use of dialogue. Try to work a bit on the imagery aspects and the phrasing at some parts.

Disclaimer: I am not a native speaker and I might have missed grammar or spelling mistakes.

Keep up the good work, I enjoyed reading this chapter!

Best regards

Costia




Eros says...


Heyya Costia !! Thank you Soo much for the review !! I am glad you liked it ... Your suggestions are really valuable and I will definitely edit it ... Thank you so much !! :D :D




Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.
— Ellen Degeneres