Hi there.
Lovely book. Lovely author. I'm going to disregard everything in that lovely author's lovely book while reviewing this. A poem should stand on its own, no matter what it's about.
I like your ideas, though their execution needs some hammering out.
star crossed across the skies,
While I enjoy the parallel between "crossed" and "across," the phrase "star-crossed lovers" is far too tired for it to work like that here. Even John Green reinvents the phrase (and he takes "the fault in our stars" from Julius Caesar, ("The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,/ But in ourselves.") not Romeo and Juliet, where the tired phrase is found) here, and you should follow his lead. If you want to talk about star-crossed lovers, don't mention star-crossed lovers so explicitly. Slip it in their drinks. They'll never know (It's really late, and I don't know if I'm making sense).
our hearts were never in it to win it.
"in it to win it" hurts me. Physically. It reminds me of the horrible habit Randy Jackson had on American Idol of saying that very phrase, and that phrase makes me cringe. You can find such prettier ways of saying what you want to there.
they're much to fragile to be held.
the first to there should be "too."
the whispers of the world don't penetrate the haze,
whoa, now, where did this haze come from? I'm confused. Make sure you don't just randomly introduce things.
so shush, stop speaking.
we'll try and fathom all that which we don't know
and maybe for awhile, we'll believe it.
I like this. This concept of pretending, knowing that you're pretending, and accepting it (unless that's not what you meant (hey, man, it's late)). I feel like you kind of rambled for the rest of the poem. But here's the meat. Here's what I want, floating down to the bottom of the stew. Expand on this. Use this stanza as the starting point. It is a good idea, and you can do lots of things with it (the stanza before this is good, too, though it could be strengthened with images). The first stanza feels aimless, but this stanza. Yes.
This poem is filled with good ideas that just need a little more coaxing to grow. Water them with images, and plant them in different soil.
And keep reading John Green. He's excellent.
Points: 29096
Reviews: 862
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