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My thoughts are Stars

by LadySpark


Who knows what this is. I was rereading John Green's the fault in our stars, and I came to the quote 'my thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations,' and this sprung into my brain. Enjoy.


star crossed across the skies,
our hearts were never in it to win it.
careful of our lives,
they're much to fragile to be held.
the whispers of the world don't penetrate the haze,
we've hidden from mother earth, 
scared of fruitless lies. 

i lied when i told you we could last forever
i don't think we could even last an hour. 

so shush, stop speaking.
we'll try and fathom all that which we don't know
and maybe for awhile, we'll believe it. 


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Sat Feb 02, 2013 5:49 am
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Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there.

Lovely book. Lovely author. I'm going to disregard everything in that lovely author's lovely book while reviewing this. A poem should stand on its own, no matter what it's about.

I like your ideas, though their execution needs some hammering out.

star crossed across the skies,

While I enjoy the parallel between "crossed" and "across," the phrase "star-crossed lovers" is far too tired for it to work like that here. Even John Green reinvents the phrase (and he takes "the fault in our stars" from Julius Caesar, ("The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars,/ But in ourselves.") not Romeo and Juliet, where the tired phrase is found) here, and you should follow his lead. If you want to talk about star-crossed lovers, don't mention star-crossed lovers so explicitly. Slip it in their drinks. They'll never know (It's really late, and I don't know if I'm making sense).

our hearts were never in it to win it.

"in it to win it" hurts me. Physically. It reminds me of the horrible habit Randy Jackson had on American Idol of saying that very phrase, and that phrase makes me cringe. You can find such prettier ways of saying what you want to there.

they're much to fragile to be held.

the first to there should be "too."

the whispers of the world don't penetrate the haze,

whoa, now, where did this haze come from? I'm confused. Make sure you don't just randomly introduce things.

so shush, stop speaking.
we'll try and fathom all that which we don't know
and maybe for awhile, we'll believe it.

I like this. This concept of pretending, knowing that you're pretending, and accepting it (unless that's not what you meant (hey, man, it's late)). I feel like you kind of rambled for the rest of the poem. But here's the meat. Here's what I want, floating down to the bottom of the stew. Expand on this. Use this stanza as the starting point. It is a good idea, and you can do lots of things with it (the stanza before this is good, too, though it could be strengthened with images). The first stanza feels aimless, but this stanza. Yes.

This poem is filled with good ideas that just need a little more coaxing to grow. Water them with images, and plant them in different soil.

And keep reading John Green. He's excellent.




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Sat Feb 02, 2013 3:28 am
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StoryWeaver13 wrote a review...



As soon as I saw the title, I thought, "John Green!" And I was right. XD

Anyway, mutual fandoms aside, I'm here to review your poem!


star crossed across the skies, [This sounds like a very redundant line to me, and it feels a little weak as an opening statement.]
our hearts were never in it to win it.
careful of our lives, [Careful 'with,' maybe?]
they're much to[o] fragile to be held.
the whispers of the world don't penetrate the haze,
we've hidden from mother earth,
scared of fruitless lies. [I don't like these last three lines. They don't feel cohesive with the voice of the poem, and moreover, they feel unnecessary. In fact, I feel as though I get pulled out of the story a bit here...I know you're trying to elaborate, but in a way it does the opposite and gives it that "on-the-outside-looking-in" feel. I don't want to be on the outside; let me IN!]

i lied when i told you we could last forever
i don't think we could even last an hour. [I love these lines. They're bitter in a simplistic, defeated way. Which I for one think is lovely.]

so shush, stop speaking.
we'll try and fathom all that which we don't know
and maybe for awhile, we'll believe it. [I don't know how I feel about "shush" being in a poem. It almsot feels...kiddish? I don't know. However, as a whole, I really like this ending.]


So in general, I think this has a lot of positive qualities and is written very well. Tweak it, and I think it'll be even better.

Keep writing, best wishes, and DFTBA. xx




LadySpark says...


thanks love! <3333



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Fri Feb 01, 2013 9:19 pm
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Trident wrote a review...



Hi Spark, I'll try to give this a good effort:

Epigraphs

You have the start of an epigraph, which I'm glad you put because you've done a bit of borrowing. But instead of an author's note, why not a true epigraph? Something like the following:

"My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations."
--John Green, The Fault in Our Stars


There, now it's actually part of the poem.

star crossed across the skies,
our hearts were never in it to win it.
careful of our lives,
they're much to fragile to be held.


Like Hannah said, the repetition doesn't work. And in the second line, "in it to win it" is kind of a tired concept. It's poetic and sing-songy but not really working here. I like the idea of stars being fragile. In fact I would love it if this whole first few lines dealt solely with that. It's a great concept.

the whispers of the world don't penetrate the haze,
we've hidden from mother earth,
scared of fruitless lies.


This is a whole lot of nothing saying nothing. I would cut it. (Is it too much if I mention the whole stars-are-fragile-like-our-lives thing? Please, that is so much better a metaphor.)

i lied when i told you we could last forever
i don't think we could even last an hour.


I like these lines only because they kind of go along the theme I was pushing. They're sort of pithy and in your face. So they kind of work, and they are very much like song lyrics I think.

so shush, stop speaking.
we'll try and fathom all that which we don't know
and maybe for awhile, we'll believe it.


Meh, I don't know about the end here. It has a certain power to it, like it's telling not only the unnamed lover in the poem to be quiet, but also the reader. But I felt like it wasn't really going along with the idea of the poem. It's a clever little ending, but clever isn't always the way these things should end. I think you can make it work, but only if you can tie it in.




LadySpark says...


Thanks for your thoughts! <3



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Fri Feb 01, 2013 7:35 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey there, Spark. (:

I am going to say this poem, for me, revolves around the middle stanza and the idea that all this space surrounds them. That couplet is honest, pure, and simply written. It doesn't need any fancy metaphor to frame it. It works well with just the idea of stars, because that kind of timelessness paired up with a mention of one of the ways we humans frame time, brings the juxtaposition out clearly.

It's just that I'm not impressed with the rest. Take for example, the first line:

star crossed across the skies,


I'm sure you notice the repetition, and maybe you like it, but I don't because the two words have the same meaning. In a poem where every word needs to carry its weight and maybe double, having redundancy does not bode well.

And that's followed with a modern, over-worked phrase like "in it to win it", which just lowers my expectations further. The rest of the first stanza is not even understandable. It seems like random words linked together 'cause they sound pretty, with no real underlying meaning that could be translated into plain English. The problem is that I like the phrases you use. Just mentioning them evokes necessary emotions/images. We need to hear the whispers of the world, and see the haze covering, but not in a meaningless stanza.

The last stanza is also awkward. I don't know if it's because I know the word fathom is in the quote you're working from or because fathom is actually awkward in the sentence, but I don't like it. I still like the meaning, because it's very close to the honesty in the middle stanza: I know the future is not what it is right now, but I am going to pay attention to the right now. I guess, after all, it's as timeless as the stars, the idea of living in the present and paying attention only to that.

I think if you wrote out the prose meaning of the first stanza and then poetry-fied it again, you'd be much more successful. I hope to see an edit of this.

PM me if you have any questions/comments. Good luck, and keep writing!




LadySpark says...


Thanks Love <3




Anything's possible if you've got enough nerve.
— J.K. Rowling