z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence Mature Content

The lost katana queen.

by Eros


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

If you see my cuts,

I want you to ask me about them,

I cut because I have no one to speak to,

To turn to on bad days or bad nights.

--

They laugh at my cuts, I hope you won't,

They take it as game, I hope you don't,

They think it's stupidity, 

But it's just a big release.

--

Behind the scars is a story so deep,

And that story for you shall be a secret to keep,

I want you to help me find a release,

I wish to talk and be heard by you.

--

Maybe like others, you are no different,

Maybe the relation will end up

Being only physical, and one-sided love,

But I seek a trustworthy lover.

--

I want to be protected from fierce storms,

I am weak, yes, I am weak,

I am the lost Katana Queen,

The defeated Queen.

--

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455 Reviews

Points: 22098
Reviews: 455

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Mon Jun 29, 2020 1:58 pm
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Hijinks wrote a review...



Hello Eros! I'm here to review your poem!

This is a very heavy subject and I think you've written a really powerful and important poem about it. You use simple, uncomplicated language, and say things in a very direct way, which I feel creates a fairly short but concise and effective poem.

The rhyming scheme, where you use it, is very clean and creates a nice flow. I would say, I personally prefer a consistent rhyming scheme, and I think rhyming every stanza would create a nice rhythm and continuity to the poem.

Another thing I want to mention is repetition. You use it for emphasis in some parts, which I would say works pretty well, however there are a couple places where vocabulary is repeated but it doesn't really give added meaning or effect.

But it's just a big release.
...
I want you to help me find a release,

You say "release" twice in two stanzas, so I would recommend trying to find an alternative word for one of them, to create a more engaging vocabulary.

Being only physical, and one-sided love,

But I seek a trustworthy lover.

These two words aren't exactly the same, but they're similar, and in the same place in two adjacent sentences. You could consider swapping the first "love" for "affection", to remove the repetition.

However that being said, I do really love your repetition in the final stanza.
I want to be protected from fierce storms,

I am weak, yes, I am weak,

I am the lost Katana Queen,

The defeated Queen.

It really emphasizes the point and is a strong way to end the poem!

You also have some really great flow in the poem - I especially love the lines
They laugh at my cuts, I hope you won't,

They take it as game, I hope you don't,

and
Behind the scars is a story so deep,

And that story for you shall be a secret to keep,

Not only because they rhyme, but they flow really well!

Overall, this is a really well written poem! All I would suggest is working on removing some unnecessary repetition. I hope this review is helpful - if you've got any questions, ask!

Keep writing!

whatchamacallit


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Eros says...


Thank you so much for the review, whatchamacallit!! The review was really helpful... glad you liked it xD I'll definitely try to substitute release with something else w/;m a similar meaning ... thank you so much once again ...<3



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Mon Jun 29, 2020 8:02 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Hi Eros, I'm here to review your poem.
This is a very sensitive and painful topic. Good thing you put the warning up. This poem was extremely triggering to me, but I'm also glad I read it in a way, it helps me move on. Aside from being relatable, this poem also had a light lyrical quality (some of your verses rhyme, and there are a few poetic devices here and there) and was altogether easy to read.

I wanna talk and be listened to by you.

Powerful, painful, and yet not worded very well. The line drags on a little. You could say something like this: "I wish to talk and be heard by you". That reduces the number of syllables, shortens the line, and yet conveys the same message.

Maybe like others, you are no different,

Again, a line which has meaning and yet is not written well. How about, "You may be no different than others"?

Maybe the relation will end up

*relationship sounds better

Being only sex and one sided love,

I don't see the need to explicitly say sex. You could try, "Being only physical, and one-sided love".
That reminds me, there should be a hyphen in "one-sided."

But am seeking for a trustworthy lover.

Grammatically, this is incorrect. There's an "I" missing, and after "seeking", the word "for" is not at all required. Your sentence rephrased could become, "But I seek a trustworthy lover."

The last few lines didn't close the poem well. Why a Katana queen? Where did that even come from, aside from the cuts? And why is she "lost?" What was she "defeated" by?
So yeah, the last stanza could be rewritten to make more sense and connect properly with the rest of the poem.

Overall, it was a good attempt to convey your feelings.The despair, the longing, everything was communicated rather well.
I think you should put up a trigger warning in the beginning in addition to the rating.
It seems like you're going through something. If that's the case, you can always shoot me a PM or just post on my wall!
I hope you keep writing. Good luck!

- Lee




Eros says...


Hey there Lee!! Am really glad that you read the poem and reviewed it! Thank you so much for the lovely review, I liked that instead of assuming things, you asked questions, thank you so much...

The first thing, I really liked the suggestion so I changed the words of listened to heard...

I didn't write relationship because we aren't in an actual relationship... But the relations are like deep friendship, a relation with ups and downs and stuff... it's like an invisible relationship, so I just wrote the word relations...

But I seek a trustworthy lover, it's really good! I edited the part too... Similarly I loved the physical sentence-- I edited that also...

I should have specified the next part actually...

Katana is like a long sword---the purpose of a katana is to fight the battle... Self harm is a battle for her... Also the sharp blade of that japanese sword called Katana is related with the blade of the "Wilkinson sword" that is a normal razor blade ...

She is lost and defeated because she surrendered to the self harming thoughts... She feels defeated because she has lost the hopes that this person is going to actually listen to her stories and understand and create a better bond than just the sex ...she doesn't see a way that this one sided love is going to be complete by receiving love from the next person ...

Also the omission of I before "am" in some places was again purposeful to just make it a little informal and make the poem not so much centered on just the "me" portion...


Yeah lol, true it's like I am crossing a valley, and I am in the trough part right now, the road is full of ups and downs but yeah, things gonna get better...

Thank you so much again, for the lovely review... <3



Eros says...


Hey there Lee!! Am really glad that you read the poem and reviewed it! Thank you so much for the lovely review, I liked that instead of assuming things, you asked questions, thank you so much...

The first thing, I really liked the suggestion so I changed the words of listened to heard...

I didn't write relationship because we aren't in an actual relationship... But the relations are like deep friendship, a relation with ups and downs and stuff... it's like an invisible relationship, so I just wrote the word relations...

But I seek a trustworthy lover, it's really good! I edited the part too... Similarly I loved the physical sentence-- I edited that also...

I should have specified the next part actually...

Katana is like a long sword---the purpose of a katana is to fight the battle... Self harm is a battle for her... Also the sharp blade of that japanese sword called Katana is related with the blade of the "Wilkinson sword" that is a normal razor blade ...

She is lost and defeated because she surrendered to the self harming thoughts... She feels defeated because she has lost the hopes that this person is going to actually listen to her stories and understand and create a better bond than just the sex ...she doesn't see a way that this one sided love is going to be complete by receiving love from the next person ...

Also the omission of I before "am" in some places was again purposeful to just make it a little informal and make the poem not so much centered on just the "me" portion...


Yeah lol, true it's like I am crossing a valley, and I am in the trough part right now, the road is full of ups and downs but yeah, things gonna get better...

Thank you so much again, for the lovely review... <3



LittleLee says...


Ahh, okay, the katana part makes so much more sense now. I'm glad I could be of help.
If you ever need to talk, shoot me a PM!



Eros says...


Yes, my friend, thank you so much for the love <3



LittleLee says...


:)




We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
— William Shakespeare