z

Young Writers Society



My Name is the One You'll Never Know.

by LadySpark


So this is what comes out of me writing  poetry/lyrics when I'm not angry at the world....
Tear it to pieces!

My Name is the One You'll Never Know-


I-
My name is the one you'll never know.
I think you'd care if you knew how hard it is
to carry on.
My name is the one that got pushed to the side,
forgotten and dusty without a place
to shine.
I can't compete with brightness
my flame has been snuffed out by
the ones I called when I was in need.
 
I don't even know what to say,
this song has already been sung,
two ways. 
I hope that you're listening
to all the words I haven't said,
because it's harder to breathe
when no one cares.
 
 
But this is my voice reaching out,
covering you, covering me,
and this is my wish singing out, 
telling you how hard it is for me to pray. 
 
II-
I want you to see the broken, 
see the dammed,
see the ones hell-bent on screaming when no one is listening.
 
I want you to hear the cries,
hear the begging,
hear the words most leave unsaid.
 
I want you to touch the lives
of everyone you've ever met, 
to touch the children that don't know better yet.
 
I want you to taste the loneliness,
that floats on the air.
It's a cloud hovering over our heads.
I want you to taste the innocence, 
I know there's some there.
 
I want you to know what it's like to feel the pain of a thousand words,
hitting, missing, digging deeper
on your back. 
 
III-
I know you've got it in you,
you've been working so hard.
Why not work for something better,
something more, 
something young.
 
I can tell by the way you flinch, 
you've got a path that's heaven sent.
 
'Cause you don't think you have it in you,
to reach out and touch the stars. 
 
You can see the nameless, you can touch the heartless.
But first you have to find it in yourself, to find yourself, under all the blantent lies.
 
II-
I want you to see the broken, 
see the dammed,
see the ones hell-bent on screaming when no one is listening.
 
I want you to hear the cries,
hear the begging,
hear the words most leave unsaid.
 
I want you to touch the lives
of everyone you've ever met, 
to touch the children that don't know better yet.
 
I want you to taste the loneliness,
that floats on the air.
It's a cloud hovering over our heads.
I want you to taste the innocence, 
I know there's some there.
 
I want you to know what it's like to feel the pain of a thousand words,
hitting, missing, digging deeper
on your back. 
 
IV-
Careful these words cut like glass.
So if I were you I'd only say what's on your lips,
not on your tongue.
Hold the tip of your sanity with your finger tips,
you've given too much
given too little. 
All at once.
 
I want you to listen closely, 
I'll only say it once.
The world is missing a puzzle piece,
a stone left unturned.
You need to be what's under that rock,
so stop your heart's beating for a second
and just hear the choir of the forgotten
singing in the praises of the one. 
 
 
I-
My name is the one you'll never know.
I think you'd care if you knew how hard it is
to carry on.
My name is the one that got pushed to the side,
forgotten and dusty without a place
to shine.
I can't compete with brightness
my flame has been snuffed out by
the ones I called when I was in need.
 
 

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User avatar
1220 Reviews

Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

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Sat Feb 02, 2013 10:21 pm
Kale wrote a review...



First things first, you really need to separate the numbering for the sections more clearly from the actual poem. I initially thought the Roman numeral one was part of the poem, right up until I came across the Roman numeral two, and then I was much confused. Even just putting a blank line in between the numeral and the stanza would work, so long as they are more visually separated from the rest of the poem.

But first you have to find it in yourself, to find yourself, under all the [b]blatant[b/] lies.

Watch your misspellings.

Overall, this doesn't feel like a poem. It feels like a repetitive rant, rambling all over the place and broken up into lines to pass as a poem. You placed this into the Lyrical category, but there's nothing really lyrical about it. There are no vibrant images, no subject brought into clear focus. There's just a really long, repetitive ramble of a whole bunch of things vaguely tossed together, and it just doesn't work.

What is the purpose of the piece? What is its point? What, precisely, are you trying to convey with it? Figure that out and strip everything else away. Right now, the most serious issue this piece has is a lack of focus. Nothing really ties into or supports the other parts of the poem, and so you have a piece that's going every which way in what it's trying to say.

Figure out your focus and then figure out some ways to tie all the other elements in in a way that showcases your primary focus. Right now, I have no idea what it is you were trying to accomplish with this, and it really hurts this piece.




User avatar
532 Reviews

Points: 1271
Reviews: 532

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Wed Jan 09, 2013 2:55 am
GeeLyria wrote a review...



Hi, SparklyLlamitaSparkDearFriend! *grins*

Gosh! The things that a moment of madness provokes! Isn't life beautiful? How upsetting moments can lead you to write a wonderful piece. xD I read a quote somewhere that said "The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." And this poem is very intense; it's made out of honesty, and it's like you were writing your heart down; I think that's what makes it so beautiful. I also love how you finished it just the way you started it; it's clever; makes you want to read again. ;] I'm pretty sure this whole review will be based on personal opinion, since your grammar is great.

However, I noticed how the lines of your poem are not always uniform. Uniformity is always good because appearance is important to the readers, even when they don't know it. If I have to suggest something, I'd tell you to change the way you organized these lines (I noticed some are based on two words), because somehow they make it a bit hard for the reader (especially if they have the attention deficit disorder x| ).

Here's my suggestion:

My name is the one you'll never know.
I think you'd care,
if you knew how hard it is to carry on.


XD Yup.The queen of commas has arrived to find a home for the missing comma! Anyway, I found that division way more rational, since the comma should break the rhythm because that is its nature.

*I also spotted a period that wasn't followed by a capital letter.

Overall, this was good. Long, but it has quality, and that's what is important. :)

There it is; my grain of sand. I'm out!

~GeeLyria.





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