There's a whispering in the wind,
A murmuring on the golden dunes.
As quiet as the dry grains shifting,
As old as the desert lands.
There's a voice over the sands.
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
I think there is a sort of beauty in the brevity of this poem. I can very easily see this as being used as the preface of some great odyssey.
While I can see why expanding it would be interesting it's also important to keep in mind that simplicity lends itself to great works. It's easy to just pump out endless words but it takes time and patience to cut it down to it's clearest most concise form.
I love what you have here. It's thought provoking and easy to read.
I especially like how it really only rhymes with the last two lines but a great rhythm is built up in the lines preceding.
Hi,
I agree with JuliaNicole this work has potencial and I think you could develop it a lot. I really like the start (which I believe this is). I will be honest, this seems like the start of a great poem. I aam looking forward to see the rest. DM me when you continue it. Is this the end though? Was that your intention? I don't see a voice over the sands being a satifying ending. Try to brainstorm what you were trying to portray with this poem. What were you feeling? Was there something on your mind? these are the things you should ask yourself to continue writing.
Wishing you good luck,
EmmaEaton.
Thanks for the review. I agree that it feels unfinished now that I look at it. I will have a brain storm and see if I can expand on it.
Hey!
My first impression of this poem is that it seems to be unfinished. I feel like it has the potential to be very striking and poignant, but only if you elaborate more on the themes and descriptions included in the stanza you've written. For example, you could expand upon the personification of the desert ("whispering wind," "murmuring dunes") and further describe the voice mentioned in the final line. I think it's a good concept, and could be a great piece of work if you elaborate a bit more.
Overall, good job.
I completely agree.