z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Deluge

by felistia


The late afternoon is bright and colourful, but a strange feeling is in the air.

An ominous wind is blowing and the day is stiflingly hot and muggy.

Evening gently creeps over the land as clouds stream across the heavens.

The first clear drops fall from the gunmetal grey sky.

White steam and vapour swirl like mystical serpents of legend.

The rain releases the damp, mushroom smells from the dark soil.

Slowly the drizzle turns to a downpour, soaking me to the skin.

The last of the sun’s weak rays vanishes below the horizon,

And menacing black clouds can be seen rolling across the land.

Distant thunder rumbles and lightning can be seen flashing in the storm.

Dogs whine nervously and birds scream a warning of what is to come.

The dense clouds block out the moon’s silver light and the night is pitch black.

A sudden squall rushes through the trees, tearing the leaves from the branches.

Icy rain batters my face and a blaze of lightning streaks across the sky.

A thundering boom soon follows and I race for cover.

I huddle in my bed as the storm roars angrily and scrapes at my window panes.

Suddenly lightning flashes igniting the sky in a brilliant white light.

A clap of thunder rattles the house and I dive under the covers.

Hail plummets to earth amongst the pounding deluge, smacking the paving .

There is a bang and the night is illuminated in a earie green light for a brief heart stopping moment.

Before the whole world turns black as ink.

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298 Reviews

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Wed Dec 30, 2015 5:06 pm
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Greeetings! GREETINGS! Greetings! Holographic Ladybug is back for yet another review!

Same as Snazzy's first line: great imagery. I could really feel what was happening and I felt it happening a bit as well. (Does it help that strange music started to play in the distance? No!) I have just noticed one thing though:

A thundering boom soon follows and I race for cover.

and
A clap of thunder rattles the house and I dive under the covers.

By saying cover (even with the S) twice, especially with lines that aren't that far apart, is a bit repetitive. I get what you're trying to say, but maybe a different word would work better. If you are gong to change something, I would recommend changing the second one because it's been done lots of times before. For substitution, you could use 'blankets' or 'sheets' or something along those lines.

Other than that, I can fin noting wrong with this poem. It's got a nice flow and everything.
Stay awesome!
~Holographic Ladybug :)




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377 Reviews

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Tue Nov 03, 2015 3:34 pm
Snazzy wrote a review...



Hello! :D
I bet you can already tell what I'm going to say. ;) Beautiful imagery in this poem - you really made me "see" the storm. :D Now for the review...

Hail plummets to earth amongst the pounding deluge, smacking the paving .


I think you mean 'pavement' here instead of 'paving'.

Then the whole world goes black as ink.


I love this line, but instead of "goes" I think you should use a more 'colorful' word. Such as: became, or even just turned.

Other than that, this is great! :D It's nice that you can take real-life situations and create beautiful poetry/stories! Fantastic job and keep writing!

~Snazzy
Stay awesome! ;)




felistia says...


Thanks for the review. Sorry I took so long to reply.



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10 Reviews

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Tue Nov 03, 2015 11:19 am
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DamienCyfer wrote a review...



Hey DamienCyfer here for a short-ish review:)

One note, sorry if I am a bit of my best, there is just a lightning storm outside my window! Good time to review this I guess.

This does truly mirror what really happens when a storm comes, a nice, clear day, but a bit humid and damp. Animals and birds go away, and then the sky gets grey. The first raindrops start to fall, and a dirt, earthy smell is made. It quickly escalates, 'till it is a raging storm with black clouds. The rest talks for itself.

Good capitals, nice spacing, good points for line endings, no punctuation errors as far as I can see.

It seems at least as much editing and effort was put into this piece as I have put into this review, if not 10x more mot likely:)

So, well done. I truly love this piece, and hope you go on and write some more good things like this.




felistia says...


Thank you for the review.




There is a difference between being poor and being broke: broke is temporary; poor is eternal.
— Robert Kiyosaki