Endless
rolling valleys carpeted in hundreds of emerald trees,
And
ribbons of ghost white mist float on the gentle breeze.
A grim thunder storm rumbles ominously overhead,
As
white lightning flashes in the clouds of grey lead.
Beads
of clear rain drop down on leaves of green,
Leaving
the forest dripping wet and crystal clean.
Small
song birds warble softly in the canopy's great boughs,
And
deer wonder nervously through the trees as they browse.
The
damp scent of moss and ancient pine fills the air,
And
through the thundering rain hops a brown hare.
Pink
nose twitching nervously and its eyes like the sun,
As it
takes a look across the clearing and bounds into a run.
Disappearing
into the dark forest of old,
While
the storm carries on strong and bold.
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140,191 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Loved this poem! You use vivid imagery and fully immerse the reader in this storm in the forest. There are a few things I'd like to point out:
-I would make the first two lines into a single stanza to match the rest of the poem
-maybe omit "down" on line 5, as there's only one direction the rain can drop and this might help the flow of the stanza (although it could work either way)
-You did a great job of using good verbs throughout the poem, so I wouldn't just use "is" on line 9, and maybe shoot for something more descriptive or that sounds better.
Some suggestions:
~ancient pine "spreads" in the air
~ancient pine "fills" the air
~"travels through" etc.
-Grammar: change "it's" to "its" on line 11
Overall:
I like how you describe smell and sound in the forest instead of just relying on visual descriptions. I also like how it easily flows from the trees to the clouds and back again by use of the breeze and rain.
Great poem! :3
Hello Felistia,
This is MergSword here with a review!
Grammar Issues and Other Errors
I found an error in the first stanza. Unlike the rest, they are broken up into two, instead of one stanza together. I am unaware of this is intentional, but it doesn't fit in with the rest of the stanzas when it is broken apart. As for grammar, I found no issues.
The Pros of this Poem
I adored this poem, and I love descriptive poems, especially those about scenery and landscape. However, it sounded more of a beautiful poem, rather than a frightening one (since it is about a storm after all)
The Cons of this Poem
I did not enjoy how the animals appeared to stay perfectly calm, despite the fact that there is a storm occurring. Following animal instinct, I would think they would be frightened of this. That is, until the hare appears, which shows signs of being scared, the deer and birds showed very little sign of panic.
My Overall Opinion
I do like this poem, but the animal behavior seemed odd. But, poems about landscapes have a special place in my heart.
~Keep on Writing
Hey !
First of all, great poem ! it's really relaxing, almost soothing !
What I love about it is that you picture the image so easily, it's almost as if you're there, living it yourself !
You use a lot of metaphors and compare different things which make the poem more rich and interesting.
It's fluid, easy to understand and leaves you wanting more !
Great Job !