You creep through the forest on silent paws,
like a phantom or a golden ghost of legend.
Beasts beware of your shadowy figure and fierce jaws
stalking among the trees, your yellow eyes burning like coals
Creatures run from your strong limbs and razor sharp claws,
as you quietly bound and leap through the canopy.
Hunting the swift brown deer and aggressive wild boars
Unseen in the trees, you edge towards your unwary prey
You spring down from the canopy like an eagle soars
The boar and swift brown deer bolt from you as you,
fill the misty jungle air with your mighty roars.
Before you slip into the shadows and vanish without a trace,
to remain a distant legend and a piece of old folklores.
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140,191 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hi there.
I've never done any reviews before but here goes my first one.
Now, I'm not a grammar nazi (yet - working on my grammar as well) and I write with instinct so please keep that in mind when I review you.
Firstly, some punctuation would be superb. Think of them as weapons or tools of impact which add in to the drama of verbal imagery (if that makes any sense). In short, it'll add more impact to your composition.
I especially liked the touch of the "Golden Ghost Of Legend"
Phantom gives me the visual idea of a dark streak of smoke seaming through the forest like a lightning streak.
Phantom and Golden Ghost - slight color contrast there maybe?
The tone feels like it's kind of left hanging on the third line which is why I felt the need for some punctuation.
I love the visual imagery especially. To be honest, I'm a fan of imagery, hook-line-sinker! That's pretty much it. Besides that, I love the poem. Especially the image of the animal swooshing through the forest and the last line, one word - epic. Awesome ending!
Thank you for the review. I will fix it when I have the chance.
Hello! Questio here to review this fun little poem for you!
I noticed that you had punctuation at the very end. I think that if you are going to have no punctuation, keep it throughout the whole thing. That's just a personal taste, and it is more for structural uniformity than anything else. So consider either adding more punctuation at the end of your lines or get rid of that little period at the end.
When going back and revising/rewriting this (which I would suggest, it's worth going back and polishing) try adding in a rhyming scheme. This isn't a very deep, dark, thoughtful poem, just a little bit of fun writing about a tiger (or panther, but I imagined a tiger for some reason).
Some little continuity errors at the beginning. You say "Beware" and "Run" like you are talking to the cat you are describing. Why would it beware itself? You might mention that it is other stuff like swift brown deer and aggressive wild boar (you might find a different adjective for aggressive, it's a bit long) that should beware and run from it.
You also switch tenses in a way. Adding "Then" to the last line changes up the whole tone of the poem so far. Until then it is more present tense, but it switches to past tense.
Just a few little things. I really liked it, and if I were you I'd keep with it and keep revising and polishing until it tells exactly the story you want it to. Good job with the imagery, that can be hard sometimes.
If you have any questions, concerns, or comments, PM me and I'll get back to you!
~Q
P.S. Nice avatar. My old one was a dragon.
Thank you for the review. I will polish it up a bit. I have added a rhyming scheme though. Claws, paws, roars, they all rhyme.
Hello!
Stegosaurus here for a review!
This poem has some nice imagery and mood-- it seems to be suspenseful and funny? You use some good similes to describe the cat as a shadow of the jungle and I think the big cat symbolizes something more. However, that could just be me reading in-between-the-lines. Another thing I like to point out in this poem is the structure. From the poems I have seen, the simple way to make perfect stanzas (unless you meant to have stanzas) is ctrl + enter. Some lines in this poem seem to be dull and not bringing to the point of the whole poem, while others seem to outline the meaning as a whole.
Even though this was a nice simile, it seems dull. Mostly there should be some sort of description with more fuller words. At first, in the beginning, the reader might not understand what the poem is about. You simply just put it on the title and expect the reader to understand what the whole poem is about by using different amounts of imagery. What some poems do is show what the poem is about without even mentioning the title-- they use meanings to convey the total thought and idea.
This stanza seemed to confuse me. Like it doesn't seem to sound correctly-- the transition seems a bit off. Punctuation seems to be the may key here, as when I read it, the two lines go together when really they are just different parts of the poem-- that is why stanzas always help
Nonetheless, without is one world. "Then" seems to disrupt the flow of the poem, as saying then it happened rather than as it happened.
I also think the before stanza is past so "filling" would be "filled".
from you as you doesn't make any sense. Probably "from you as" or something similar.
This poem would be something I would see in a children's book, which is good. It can be easily understood by most people and has some nicely done imagery. I completely loved the poem as a whole and hope to read more of your work. If you like me to go over anything, let me know!
Steggy
Thank you for the review. I will fix it up when I get the chance.