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Serpent of the Sands part 2

by felistia

Dust swirls over the dull mud houses,

As a hot wind sweeps around the huts,

And dry earth is strewn with cracks and cuts.

Suddenly the ground gives a low rumble,

Breaking the silence hanging in the air.

People walk out of their homes and stare.

For twisting and turning on the yellow dunes,

Comes across the desert a snake of old,

With glittering eyes and a soul dark and cold.

People start to run and scream in terror,

And men race for their sword and spears,

Knowing they’re about to face their worst fears.

The massive sand serpent is almost on top of them.

Rearing up, hissing and snarling, its sharp teeth bared,

Its tail lashing back and forth with its crimson frill flared.

Strong men dressed in brown leather armor,

Hurl their pointed spears at the writhing snake,

Before being thrust aside like leaves thrown by a rake.

The serpent snarls angrily as the harpoons penetrate its scales,

Causing its scarlet blood to flow and vicious rage to grow,

But more men come running, their spears ready to throw.

Hissing angrily the snake slowly retreats back to the sands,

Only to return to reap its violent revenge on the small town,

To wipe it clear of the earth and to send it back to the desert, brown.

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624 Reviews

Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

Sun Nov 27, 2016 3:35 pm
Casanova wrote a review...

Heya, Fel! Casanova here with another review! Let's get right to it.

The first thing I noticed was the rhyme scheme. I don't know if it was in your other, as I didn't notice it, but it felt rather odd in this one. Even the last line,"To wipe it clear of the earth and to send it back to the desert, brown." This seems just strictly for rhyme. For one the desert colours are more yellow-ish, because of the sand. And for another your rhyming throughout this one just seems rather forced. I would say cut the rhyme out.
Now we get to the story that you're wanting to tell. It seems as if you're lacking imagery, strong imagery. This seems rather well rounded, but I feel like you could do better. I mean, you're strictly telling a story in this one, and we don't really feel anything towards it. It's lacking, at least to me.
The next thing I noticed was these lines-

People start to run and scream in terror,

And men race for their sword and spears,

Knowing they’re about to face their worst fears.

You could take these lines out of the poem, and you wouldn't lose a single thing. What I mean is they shed no light on the poem, and the same thing is basically repeated in these lines-

Strong men dressed in brown leather armor,

Hurl their pointed spears at the writhing snake,

Before being thrust aside like leaves thrown by a rake.

So I would suggest cutting the first ones. Also, the last line here seems a bit off, I would suggest something like,"Leaves being thrown by a rake," because it seems off as it is, and seems to be only to maintain the same length as the other lines.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about this poem. I hope this helped, at least a bit.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron

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117 Reviews

Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

Fri Nov 25, 2016 5:45 pm
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Astronomer wrote a review...

Hello there, Felistia!
This is Moonwatcher here to review the next installment.

Other than the fact that the narrative has progressed, there isn't really anything new when it comes to the imagery you're presenting. You still use basic imagery that you used in the last installment such as "sand" "earth" "dust" and what-not. You should try to give your reader something new every time in order to maintain their interest. Try to come up with more descriptive adjectives, things that aren't used /too/ often to be called boring or cliche. And try some original imagery.

On the topic of trying to present something newer, the style hasn't changed. The style is still neat and smooth, but you don't want to keep giving the reader the same thing over and over. Maybe you should try to use new poetry formats, like cinquains, or haikus, villanelles, tankas, nonnets, or something. Even if isn't formatted, you could always try to use a new form of free verse that differs from what you have already presented.

You still keep up a rhyme scheme, which isn't too bad but it still gets old just like everything else when you don't present something new. You're still presenting the reader the same thing, and it makes them lose interest. Forced rhyme can retrain things such as creative use of vocabulary or how one conveys feeling or emotion. I honestly don't really like the rhyme, because it doesn't benefit the poem anymore. There's also the first line in every stanza. although it doesn't rhyme, and it certainly doesn't /have/ to rhyme, it feels disconnected from the following two lines, and the transition from the first line to the rest of the stanza could be choppy.

You're more clear in what you're presenting to the reader in this installment, which is good. I'd keep the clarity up. I hope my review helped you out, and see you in the next installment!

felistia says...

Thanks for the review. :D

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Fri Nov 25, 2016 3:50 pm
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Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Kaos here for another review!

So we're on the second part now and here was the thing I was mostly afraid of, which is the style not changing. It gets stale easily and I suggest you change it into something else to switch it up. If you insist on keeping it, find and invent new ways to break out of the style every once in a while with punctuation or white space. The lines are all the same and eventually the punctuation won't really do anything to keep it from getting expired and if this is in one large book or not broken up into parts, the reader won't want to digest the same thing over and over.

From the first part, I thought this degraded in its imagery and in its rhyme. The rhyme becomes lazier than it was before and just not as strong. I think it's something that restrains your imagery, which leads me to that. The imagery here wasn't as strong as in the last one, I picked up on and noticed that it did a lot of, "____ and ____" at the ends of lines. I suggest you work around that and cut it out. Instead of describing things like you are now, let descriptions run through the lines while the thing you want to describe is doing something. Don't pile it up all at the end or let it be passive, make it more active. This will help in creating something more powerful overall.

To the narrative again. This time, it's a little more clear, and I can definitely appreciate that. From what I've read, the serpent comes into this town and scares the people off. I want to know more of the motives of why the serpent is doing this. Something that made me think and was brought up in my mind here is that, this is an ancient creature, and it must be larger than a snake. Something that hasn't really been revealed to the reader is just that, how large is this serpent to be so threatening to a whole small town?

The snake retreats because it's not strong enough to wipe them out yet, but comes back and does it? This makes me question if this snake is really all that strong and it shows that this serpent isn't invincible. The problem here with the last stanza is the pacing. The serpent goes away and then comes back to wipe them out after a line, I suggest showing the scene of him wiping it back out so that the pacing isn't so odd.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

felistia says...

Thanks for the review. :D

Almost all absurdity of conduct rises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble.
— Samuel Johnson