I am Water

Hey there!
Well if theory of water cycle came in school text books in such a beautiful and interesting way i don't think anyone would ever fail in it.
what i basically mean by that is you are an incredible writer and i love to read your work.
you turn simple words in such beautiful line- hats off to you.
now back to the poem,
i sincerly enjoyed reading it. It was really beautiful. the way you described the endless journey of water. and suddenly I'm having this stupid urge quoting from "the brook". anyway i'll just do it "for men may come and men may go but i go on forever" i know that was irrelevant but hey I felt like doing it so i did it.
starting from the first stanza to the last line i loved each and every thing you wrote.
so yeah great job there.

fangirl~

Hi there felistia! Niteowl here to review as requested.

Overall, I don't have a whole lot to say that hasn't already been said. You have a lot of beautiful imagery, but a lot of the rhyming feels forced. I read it out loud and it was obvious that the lines were long and didn't fit well with each other. The second stanza is the worst offender, along with "river" and "silver".

From a more technical perspective, I find it weird that you didn't mention the ocean at all, given that that's where the vast majority of water on the planet is.

Overall, I would work on making the rhyme and meter stronger if you choose to rhyme in the future. I'm going to leave this as a comment since I feel you got more thorough reviews already. Keep writing!

Very realistic. Great job!

I love it! Fantastic imagery

I like it. Great rhyme scheme

I like it. Great rhyme scheme

Hi, felistia. It's Meerkat here to review.

This was a creative idea for a poem, to follow the cycle of water as it moves and changes upon the earth. It was also interesting to have the actual water narrating its journey. The point of view was a clever one that I think improved the poem, as well.

Overall criticisms:
To put it simply, the rhyme scheme seems off. Lines have uneven syllables that don't work well together, and the verses are awkward to read as if being read aloud. The fifth stanza, as well as the first two lines of stanza four, flow better than the rest, but still need a bit of editing. While your word choice was beautiful, one must be reminded that the how poetry sounds is almost as important as what it evokes. In many cases, the additional adjectives and adverbs merely cluttered up the rhyme.

Specifics:
This is just me being incredibly picky, but near-rhymes really bother me. "Vines" and "shine," "fall" and "called," "river" and "silver," etc. The reason I mention it is because I know you can easily make them match better, and thus improve each verse's smoothness. However, if you prefer this kind of almost-rhyme in your style, feel free to ignore me.

In the second paragraph, "Finally" requires a comma after it. Similarly, the third line of the third paragraph does not need a comma.

In a few spots you have fragments instead of complete sentences, such as
"Down through the jungle’s emerald green trees and vines,
The blades of sun causing my crystal body to gleam and shine."
A poem can excuse some elements of grammar, however, and this is not strictly necessary to correct.

The last phrases, "For I am water, the river of life" seem unusual, and they might have worked better with a different theme. You never really touched on the life-giving properties of water or how it would affect a life. Alternately, if this is a religious reference, there is not enough symbolism in the poem to connect it.

Okay, onto what I liked: Your imagery was very powerful, and truly gave a sense of a miraculous journey as the water traversed its course on the world. I especially enjoyed the line "Weaving and snaking over rocks and boulders as I flew," as the vivid verbs added tremendously to the feeling and description of flowing movement. I also found it poetic that you brought the cycle full circle, realistically and metaphorically ending where it began. Continue working on poems and use that skillful descriptive ability of yours.

Have a great day/night, and keep writing!

Hi!!
Thanks for requesting a review! I'll do my best to give you some constructive criticism. Let's break it down by stanzas:

1st stanza: I absolutely love the rhyming scheme of this poem already! And, the descriptive language you sue is gorgeous. I want to be in this place, wherever it is.

2nd stanza: Once again you have some really great descriptions. I am yearning to know who this "she" is. After I read the whole poem, I still am not quite sure who she is, the river? If this hadn't been titled water, I don't if i would have picked out that it was about a river or stream, but I love that!

3rd stanza: Do you need the word vine? I don't particularly like it in the first line because I feel as though it breaks up the rhythm of the poem. Maybe you could end the line with trees and have the rhyme in this poem form based on that? And a few questions about content, isn't a waterfall formed of water? Aren't you water? How are you sweeping over it, instead of forming with it?

4th stanza: In the third line in this poem, the word surging effects the flow of the poem, maybe replace it with something softer.

5th stanza: I love how fast pace this stanza is and it's about the river slowing down.

6th stanza: Through out parts of your poem, and especially in this stanza, I could hear and feel forced rhyming. I don't know if that's a fixable thing, though, so take that criticism with a pinch of salt.

7th stanza: What cycle are you talking about? I don't really see where it starts or finishes.

I really liked how you ended this poem, but I think you could have just ended it with the line I am water because I think the reader can guess it's a stream, river, body of water. Let them make that decision.

This was very interesting to read, and i loved it. You are so talented. I'm interested in reading your other work! Keep it up!

~Tiffany

This is very atmospheric and beautiful. It's a brilliant idea, telling a poem from water's perspective. Water must have so much to share about our history as well. The rhyming at the end is great. The rhythm is nice and even. The last stanza is my favorite out of the whole poem. The imagery of floating up into the clear turquoise sky and then returning to the cold resting place up high is striking. There is a lot of strong and lasting imagery throughout this poem. At times water is soft and quiet, gentle and slow, at other times it is fast and strong, mighty and impressive. I think water could tell us a lot about ourselves. This is a great idea. Very much enjoyed!

Wow this is an amazing poem. I honestly hesitated reviewing it at first because it looked so long but the minute I started reading it grabbed me and pulled me in to where I could not stop reading, There is very, very little I would change about this poem being completely honest. there's one little error:

{Surging alongin one powerful twisting river} Just put a space between along and in.

And then Just the last line, {preserver of life} I don;t feel that really fits very well to the poem because it's just about the journey the water makes. It's not affecting any life or preserving it. It is just traveling along it's pathways. i think just standalone {I am water} would be perfect and a great ending to this poems. it is simple and leaves no questions or unsetttlement. You did amazingly, and you have true talent. Don't stop writing.