Young Writers Society

Heya, Felostia! Casanova here to do a review for you! Happy review day!

The first thing I noticed about this poem was the lack of direction. For the most part you're giving s constant images we're supposed to tie together, but that's all you're doing. I see the scene in the first stanza, but I'm not really placing it to anything. I would say stop stretching for imagery, and give us more of what you're wanting to talk about. Like the creature.
The next thing Was the difference in the images of the creature. Normally when saying creature we don't refer to snakes as it, but more of something hideous and despicable, but I guess this is just personal preference.

It spies a far off village, standing out against the sands,

As it scans the horizon with its cold reptilian eyes,

Then it takes off over the desert to claim its prize.

Hello there, Felistia!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^-^

I've skimmed over your works and have gotten a little bit more accustomed to your writing style, so lemme see if I can do a better job on this review.

Narrative poetry is something I really enjoy, and it's a very fun thing to tackle. I see that there is a serpent, which I can tell from the poem and the title, but you aren't very clear on what it's goal is. You mention that "it takes off over the desert to claim its prize" but you haven't made it very clear what this prize is. Is it the village itself as in it wants to destroy it, or is there something in the village that the serpent specifically wants?

The rhyme improves the flow throughout the poem, which is nice, and makes things organized. But I feel as if you could go a lot deeper into your descriptions or information giving if you dropped it. The rhyme is forced and constricts you from saying what you might really need to say, which is a serious struggle when using rhyme. You shouldn't let rhyme really control anything.

Your imagery could go a little more in depth. You do a good enough job at describing things, but it's a little flat and I don't /feel/ as if I'm in the story. You set up a good tone/attitude which helps out a lot for the feeling of the story as I read the narrative, but something about it is really bland. Something about the storytelling is generic, it just goes on and on. There's some potential in this in the sense that you could provide the reader something else.

I'll be reviewing the next installments. Have a great day! ^-^

This is Kaos here for a review!

I see that this is the start of a series or narrative, so I'll treat it as such. Some of the rhymes are rather forced and don't really fit together, so I suggest either changing them or changing up the structure as a whole. It looks neat as is, but if the structure is going to be the same for the whole story, it's going to get bland quickly. Using different poetry styles would be interesting, and you can use them to your advantage (such as just using a Tanka for a short part of the novel) or perhaps you can just use free-verse but I do appreciate the neatness here though I suggest changing it up and experimenting.

The imagery in this is sub-par. It's restricted and doesn't really have a chance to bloom and in some lines it only has an adjective behind it to describe. I can almost feel the atmosphere that you're trying to create here but it's blocked without strong sensory details. Use sandstorms and talk about how it feels in the desert, how it smells (does it smell?), how it /tastes/, even. This'll help create more of an experience for the reader than just what you have here which isn't as strong as it could be, though it probably is the highlight of the poem in its strength. It feels to have a generic storytelling style to it that I want to see being broken, throw at us a metaphor that gives us a new perspective or a new line of thought on describing something.

Onto the content of the poem and the narrative that's being told. From what I understand, the narrative follows the 'Serpent of the Sands' whom is an ancient creature though we don't really know the prize that it's going to get. Interpreting what's going on is hard since the reader isn't aware of a lot of things, like who is the serpent? Another question is, is if there's a speaker or someone that's telling this story. Is the story directly following the serpent or not? That's a lot of things that you leave out here, but perhaps some of them will be answered later on or in the later parts. Give the reader more clarity of the situation, I feel as if there's /too/ much to interpret because as a reader, I don't have much of a guide as to what's going on.

I hope I helped and have a great day!