Evening on the Lake.
As I stare out over the lapping water I can feel a slight breeze coming off the rippling, green water. The air iscool and filled with the sounds of birds calling to one another as they fly home for the day. A cormorant glides low over the water skimming the surface with his black wings. The sky looks like a grey churned up sea mirrored on the shifting waters of the lake. Darkness creeps over the lagoonas the sun dips behind the hills while a lonely crow singsfrom the lakes forested banks. A kookaburra's last laugh warbles across the water as the colours dance over the lake, twisting this way and that way. A thin patch of sky glows peach as the sun last light disappears below the horizon. A seagull’s slender shape is silhouetted against the dyeing light for a few fleeting seconds. Frogs croak unseen from the weeds and insects start to chirrup and chirp. A flock of cockatoos fly past, their milky yellow feathers glowing silver in the new moon's light.
Mountain Stream.
Clouds pour over the snow capped peaks of the mountains into the valley below. The mist rolls down the tree covered mountain, sweeping and curling round the brisling pines. A ray of sun breaks through the cloud cover, its golden light shining down on the winding river below. The rushing water twists and turns on it course through the lush green valleys. Forest carpets the banks, their green leaves trailing in the cool blue water. Fish dart around the alga covered rocks and pebbles strewn over the lake bed.
Storm on the Prairie
Gunmetal grey storm clouds roll over the land, their black shadows sweeping over the green plains. The prairie is like a raging sea as strong winds whip through the long grasses. Lightning flashes beneath the dark blanket of cloud, illumination the plains below in bright silver light. Thunder rumbles through the air as rain pelts the ground.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Happy review day!
This is a wonderful trio of descriptions here. I'll dissect them bit by bit.
~Evening on the Lake~
This feels very serene, yet somewhat epic, too. Your description was never overpowering, which is awesome. By the second sentence, I was hooked and could not stop until I had finished this entire story. You still left me wanting waaaaay more. That's one of the jobs of a writer.
'A seagull’s slender shape is silhouetted against the dyeing light for a few fleeting seconds.'
I have never hear a seagull described as 'slender'. I usually hear them called "You rat with wings!", "Stupid robbers!", and "[Censored] scavengers! Do something useful for once!"
~Mountain Stream~
You made this next one very magical somehow. I loved every second of it. (Want mooore!)
'The rushing water twists and turns on it course through the lush green valleys.'
This is possibly the most magical part of your story..... Somehow. You have made such a smooth transition from the previous sentence to this one. Masterful.
'Forest carpets the banks, their green leaves trailing in the cool blue water.'
I have never heard the carpet part before. I loved it. It was so unique and creative. So well-thought up.
~Storm on the Prairie~
This piece shares the description of the storm and the prairie. It is more noticeable than the others, which is fine.
That's all from me. You have created something very beautiful here. It looks a bit like you slaved over this for hours!
Stay awesome!
~Holographic Ladybug
Hola felistia =) It's FallWolf again, here to give you some advice =)
I think I see where you're going here! It is a very descriptive, interesting piece, and I love it! I especially love the mountain stream, because I can remember so clearly the streams from up on the mountain where I used to live =) and the "gunmetal grey storm clouds" really good description there!
However, I do still have some nitpicks
If I was doing this piece, I would use metaphors, just metaphors. Though similies are really good and can work in a lot of pieces, I feel that the readers would be pulled more in to this story if it was made metaphorical. For example, "The prairie looks like a raging sea as strong winds whip through the long grasses." Just metaphor: "The prairie is a raging sea, long grasses waving as the wind whips around their dark gold bodies." Note, you don't have to change this. It is just my opinion on the matter, and it reads great as it is as well =)
One thing I have a love/hate relationship with is how in the first paragraph there is someone there, (I stare out... I can feel...) but she slowly fades away. I love this, because instead of having to wade through the I's, readers are put right in there instead of reading about a person watching these things. I don't like it, because my critique side is blaring "The whole story has to be the same! You can't just change it like that!" *I turn around and punch my critique side* I love this! No, really, take no notice of meany here laying on the floor... XD
All in all, a really interesting and cool piece! Don't stop writing =)
Hey Felistia!
I especially like the description "Forests carpet the banks, their green leaves trailing in the cool blue water." I can clearly see this flash of scenery in my mind. Also, your verbs are so unique! Oftentimes, with pieces like this, it's the verbs that make it come alive, and yours are vibrant, colorful, precise. Glides, creeps, warbles, pour, carpet, dart: I love them all!!
I love the scenes you've displayed here. Your imagery is on point.
Just a suggestion: I was thinking that maybe instead of saying "looks like" in the sentences "The prairie looks like a raging sea. . ." and "The sky looks like a grey sea. . ." you could instead write "The prairie is a raging sea. . ." and "The sky is a grey sea. . .". A direct metaphor like this seems to make a more striking and vivid comparison in this instance. Also, referring to the above comparisons, the sea is used quite often in literature. It's perfectly fine the way it is (better than fine really, it's beautiful) but if you felt brave you could take a more innovative approach. Like I said, it's beautiful the way it is and I really love it, I'm just trying to give you some suggestions.
I found just a few quick-fix typos that I thought I would draw attention to. In the sentence, "A kookaburras last laugh. . ." there should be an apostrophe between the "a" and "s" in "kookaburras." The same minor mistake was in the last sentence of that paragraph. "new moons light" should be "new moon's light." There are also some spacing issues in the first paragraph, probably messed up in the transition onto the website.
Overall, I really did love this piece. Keep writing and stay awesome!
~Joy
Hey feli, happy review day!
I like the descriptions you've written here, they're realistic and I can picture the sounds and sights before me. Because this is purely a descriptive piece, and it is obvious you intended this to be. I'll give you some advice rather than criticism. This probably reflects what you're thinking the moment you've written this, it's very stream-of-conscious in the way that it flows without any real direction. Which is not a bad thing, if this was any longer it would have been repetitive but thankfully it's short.
After you've written, I recommend checking over it and maybe tweak a few things. Of course it won't be in its raw form, however it'll take shape. Right now, you've got the theme of nature repeating with your three areas what you lack is some sort of structure or some sort of message. This piece seems somewhat unfinished, like there's more to it. Have you thought about turning this into poetry instead of simple descriptions?
It's entirely up to you of course, I don't know if I've been of any help but if you've got any questions. Feel free to ask me. c:
-Hir
They are description I was planning to use in my novel and I wanted to see what everyone thought of them before putting them in.
Ahhhh I see. Maybe next time include a little author's note?
okay.