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Serpent of the Sands part 5

by felistia

Red hot fires dot the earth’s bleak surface,

And ash clouds sweep across the dark sky,

In ruined rubble, the great north cities lie.

A dry wind howls through the damage,

As cars lying dented and covered in rust,

The once huge sky scrapers reduced to dust.

Not a soul can be seen amongst the debris,

Only cold, dead silence hovers in the still air,

The cities have fallen and the land is bare.

The serpent has crossed the globe,

Spreading destruction and despair,

Now human life is hidden and rare.

But out of these few survivors,

Rises a brave Zulu man,

Head of the African clan.

His town in the Savannah was wiped out,

His wife and two sons taken and killed,

Now he is angry and is ready to rebuild.

He has seen the serpent and its lair,

He has come up with a sly plan,

To take the earth back for man.

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624 Reviews

Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

Sun Nov 27, 2016 3:59 pm
Casanova wrote a review...

Heya, Felistia! Casanova here with another review!

Okay, so to start off I would say this seems to keep getting weaker as you go along, and I would suggest when you're writing these take a break and mentally build yourself up. Six works like this in a short time wouldn't be a good idea, because you start off strong and then finish weakly. That might help you.
On the other hand your rhyme is still breaking your ability to go any farther than the potential this poem obviously has, and I would suggest dropping it or trying to find words that don't make the rhyme stand out like,"WOW." Anyway, on to the next thing.
I feel like you're repeating a lot of the same imagery over and over, and that's really dulling it down for me. Once or twice would be alright, but it seems like it's the same thing over and over, and I don't really appreciate the repetition as a reader.
The next thing is I like the ending lines. You're FINALLY taking us somewhere besides the sand, and I've been hoping for the opportunity to get out of the sand and delve further into this world, as I see it.
Anyway, that's all I have to say about this one. I hope I helped, even a bit.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Fri Nov 25, 2016 6:40 pm
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Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Kaos here for another review!

Sigh. And it ends up the thing that I didn't want to happen, happened. There's still a chance for this hero to fail which I really do hope happens because I'm reviewing without knowing what the next part ends up to be. I have to say that the rhymes in the first half are better than what we've seen before but the second part falls apart in that aspect. You can have longer words rhyme, which is something that I think you realized, but in the second half it's filled with almost-rhymes like "killed" and "rebuild" which don't really fit together. That's what I mean by almost-rhymes and rhymes that are off-a-beat.

Looking back at that, I want to touch on the mention of cars in this story. This makes the reader question when and where this takes place, the where is briefly mentioned or told of when the African men are spoken of, but when? Is this some sort of urban fantasy in present day? It ruined the image that I had in my mind because I thought this was another world and before, there were no mentions of it being the real world and it not being in a made-up one. This is something that I think stabs a whole in the story and I don't know how those things are relevant and they're more just two details that can be swapped for other things.

The heroes of the story are introduced so quickly without any other mention of them before that. We never knew about this group of people beforehand and we don't really have a reason to care. There's no emotional impact here to make me care that the main hero's wife and children died. It's a cheap way to introduce them into the story because it's part five and only now are we knowing of him. The serpent isn't present in this part, and it hasn't in these recent parts, at least not in active form which is disappointing because it was actually starting to grow on me with the ominous tone to it. I'm hoping that this won't turn out to be a miraculous deus ex machina, but that's what it seems to be turning into. If you're not familiar with the phrase, I highly suggest checking this article out on it: Deus Ex Machina

It covers the topic and I think it'll help you in your writing. In keeping it from happening and everything of that sort. So far this story has been pretty generic with some exceptions, and I'm hoping that the end changes that around, but I'm not sure if it will. There are so many other possibilities than the cookie-cutter story of the beast being slain. This part doesn't do anything to answer the reader's questions about the serpent and why it does what it does or all of the other ones I mentioned in previous reviews.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables