My One and Only

Yo there, figured I'd come in and review this as a spiritual piece, because I take some sort of joy in this kind of thing.

I do not, at its core, dislike this piece. It's a cute short poem about the goodness of God, because God is good and all that. At its core, it is a wholesome, adorable little ditty that I could expect to read in a little book of poems that a church's Sunday School puts together or something like that.

And there we have my biggest complaint with this piece, nicely summarized: This isn't personal or emotional in the least. It's lackluster. It could have been written by anyone. Where, in this piece, is the writer? Where is the poet? All I see is a few lines about God separated by line breaks into a roughly-centered stanza that I could, if I was being generous, call a prayer. I could pull any Christian off the streets and they could write me this.

Where are you, the writer, and the speaker coming from in this piece? There are ways to show your trust, devotion, and love in God without turning to stock phrases so dull and overused that I think God Himself might not be able to sharpen them up.

Okay, let me break this down really quick. A warning? This might get a little personal for the writer.

You are the rock on which I stand,

And I'm already bored. Even without knowing this was a spiritual piece beforehand, I would have lost interest almost immediately. Granted, I'm definitely not the most spiritual of people, but sometimes I wonder if it would kill Christian poets to think of a few different words to use.

God is your rock. Cool. Good for you. Like I said before, anyone else could and would easily write that phrase. What does it mean that God is your rock? What hardships has the speaker in this poem gone through where God, and their faith in God, has supported them and kept them standing? Where's the conflict that would require a rock on which to stand?

Without knowing the conflict behind this, I have no reason to care. I've gone through plenty of hardships, as has everyone else at some point in their lives, so why should I care about this vaguely vague backstory of vagueness? What's the reason that God being the speaker's rock is so significant to them?

You are the sword within my hand,

And I'm bored again. Why does the speaker need a sword? Why is God that sword? Why do they see God as a weapon, an object to be used to their advantage? What is this speaker's true relationship with God? Do they love and adore Him, or do they see Him as a tool for their own gain? Because so far, it's looking like the latter is true, because no details have been provided to the contrary.

Again: Personalize. Why does the speaker rely on God as their sword?

Your radiant light is pure and strong,

Hello, hymnal. I haven't seen you in ten years or so. Really, all this line makes me think of is church. I have no emotional connection to it, just a dull reminder that church is a thing that exists.

Your great heart can do no wrong,

See above. Why does this line go here? What is the speaker's connection to God's heart?

You are my one and only,

I think I should invent a new word for how bored I am by these lines. Seriously. Like I said, I'm not super spiritual, but I still consider myself to have some connection to the higher being that is the Abrahamic God, and I'm pretty sure that "one and only" doesn't apply to that connection. So why is this poem being written like it's supposed to apply to everyone? It would have much more effect if it was being written personally, and I would have many less quibbles with the wording if it had any personal emotional connection.

Elohim.

Was this necessary? Was there no other way you could have worked God's presence into the poem without expressly waving your arms around at the end and shouting "this is about God, guys!!!"? Because that's what this feels like to me. Shove a word for God down our throats to make it clear that this is spiritual, because otherwise it would have no emotional context whatsoever.

In all honesty, I hate to say it, but please do this poem a favor and shred these lines that are repeated in everything about God ever. If you have nothing new to say about Him, why not repeat what others have already said? It's practically what you're doing here anyway. All this poem is, at its face, is a recycled heap of lines from any spiritual poem or prayer in existence.

Where is the conflict? Where is the meaning? Why does this poem exist when you gain the same effect by repeating others' words?

Where is the quantification of this poem? Why does the speaker need a rock and a sword? How has God's light been pure and strong in their life? How has God's heart affected them? Why is the speaker so attached to God? We know none of this -- it's all been foregone in favor of lines from a hymnal.

At its core, like I said, this is cute. It has potential to be a great and wonderfully moving piece. But right now? These lines, how it is now? Yeah, it's in desperate need of fine-tuning. You're writing too big to write about God. You're writing everyone's perception of God, instead of writing the personal aspects of what God means to one specific someone.

Oh, and your rhyme scheme feels weak and forced, and your meter needs work to feel natural. I trust you have a keen enough eye to pick those things out as need be.

I hope this bucket of elbow grease helped a little -- keep writing!