Brilliant gold fish glide around me in large, shining schools
Their tails flowing rivers, their scales like glittering jewels
As they gracefully soar over the anemones and coral of reef.
Emerald sea turtles gently fly through the silky smooth water
Black and white fish dart over and around their cracked shells
Plucking the delicate tendrils of green algae from their backs.
Silver dolphins leap and spring through the deep, blue sea
Joyously squeaking and singing in their delight to be free
Pods of the magnificent creatures stretch as far as the horizon.
Schools of luminescent pink jellies drift on the cold currents
Floating from sea to sea, never sure of where they’re going
As their elegant glowing tentacles slice through the ocean.
Slimy kelp and seaweed sway as towering ocean waves
Crash into dark, underwater caverns and shadowy caves
Small, orange fish scatter as the swell swirls through the water.
Great white sharks lurk in the dark waters of the unknown
Their sparkling teeth sharp like knives as they wickedly smile
Knowing that you are their prey in the oceans of the world.
Blue whales swim through the depths as they hum and moan
They dive down through the deep and into the twilight zone
Where blue lights twinkle and sparkle like the midnight sky.
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140,194 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
I love the ocean theme!I like the way you are so detailed about the scenery though most of it was only details about what we need to imagine/see only.It is all beautiful and I really try to imagine it while reading but maybe it could be better if we had more information of what we could hear etc. even if you are so detailed.I like the work overall!
Nothing is forced and it is going on so well which is sometimes hard to achieve.But you had done it well enough.Maybe more feelings in it with all that beautiful details and description of the ocean.
Anyways,I like it and I think it is worth the read!
Tigerlilly here once again! I like some of the changes you made, it definitely works well. The poem is very consistent with patterns and such, which makes it very nice to look at versus a poem with a lot of crazy things going on at once. One thing I noticed going back through this again was that the ocean in a weird way was like society, with the wicked sharks and the schools of fish and such. Perhaps this was something you were trying to achieve, or maybe its just another interpretation. Either way, its great.
Hi, thank you for the review. I wasn't trying to make it look like society, but now that I look at it, it does look a bit like that.
Hello, felistia!
I think you meant "pods of"I really enjoyed reading your poem. You take care to describe each facet of life under the sea with fresh language and vivid imagery.
That being said, I think there are a few changes that you could make that would let this poem be even better.
You focus a lot on the visual aspect of the fish, which I very much enjoy, but I want to know what the other senses are taking in as well. When you're writing poetry, make sure you focus on all five senses: sight, sound, smell, touch, taste. You do touch on sound when you talk about the whales, but I want to hear more. Not all poetry has all five senses included, but good poetry has more than two. While some of these senses are dampened when underwater, a good dose of imagination will help here. How does it feel to touch the kelp? What do whales smell like? Use your imagination to fill in the blanks.
There were also two grammatical errors that stood out to me.
I think you meant "sparkle."
Altogether, I really enjoyed reading this. It took me to another place! Good job, and keep writing!
Thank you for the review. I am will expand on it when I get a chance.
HOW?! How are people so talented, and i sit here, making books with no one answering them, or enjoying them. This poem was better than my story, yet its like 10,000 and something characters.This makes me really sad, not because of YOU, but because of how talented you are. Keep it up, and i hope the sea stays peaceful; sounds beautiful.
I would love if you could post the links to your stories. I would love to review them. I can't read anything 16 or 18 with mature content and I can't read supernatural or religious works. Sorry if that is a problem.
I am confused to why you can't...how old are you?
13
Hello Dear Felistia!!
This is Eros here to review your wonderful work!
I think you are a great admirer of the sea beauty, just like me. When I saw the title, "Under the sea" and read what was written below it, my hands moved automatically over the mouse, and directed the curser towards your sweet poem. This shows that you have got a really catchy title and a catchy theme.
I loved the way you described every fish-- The gold fisssh in the first stanza, the orange fish in the second stanza, the dolphins in the third stanza and the whales in the fourth stanza. I also like the adjectives that you choose forr each one of them.
Like:
Brilliant gold fish
silver dolphins...
It really fits there!
I also liked the various, beautiful effects that you have created in the poem. They are scattered like spices throughout the pizza! I really like the effects, they make the poem appear more real.
You have described everything very nicely. I must clap for this beautiful piece! *Pause for while, and claps* Hats Off to you and your work! Keep writing, Felistia... For we love to read your work!
~ Eros
Thank you for the review, it is very much appreciated.
Hello! Tigerlilly here to review!
I really love the imagery you used here in this poem to describe the ocean! While I myself do not enjoy the ocean, I do recognize its intensity and beauty. The way you describe it is just amazing, and I really like the rhyme scheme. My favorite line had to be:
"Small orange fish scatter as the swell swirls through the waters. "
Because I really like the alliteration used.
If I were to change something, I would probably add more emotion to the poem. I see all these beautiful images in my head, but without emotion, they don't have much meaning.
Nonetheless, this was an amazing poem and I really enjoyed it! Keep writing, I look forward to reading more of your works!
I will try to add some more emotion into the poem. I am thinking of expanding it.
I would love to reread it if you do. It's a really beautiful poem.
I will notify you when I do.