The Golden Sun
Burning in the afternoon sky,
A flaming ball of crimson fire,
Lighting the heavens up high.
A golden orb so bright,
Against a turquoise sky,
As it reaches its full height.
Then it slowly starts to sink,
As the evening moon gently rises,
Streaking the sky orange and pink.
The Silver Moon
A gleaming silver light,
Shining in the darkness,
Of the quiet night.
Hanging way up high,
Surrounded by twinkling stars,
In the cobalt sky.
Sometimes a perfect round,
Normally a curving crescent,
Other times it can't be found.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
I really like this poem and I think it is pretty well written.
I really like the way you split up the colours! It was an interesting and uniques way of comparing the two colours! 
The only feedback I can come up with is if you maybe varied your sentence structure a little so that each stanza has long and short sentences this may make it flow better? Just an idea! But on a whole I think you did a great job and I LOVED the imagery! 
Keep on writing because I'd love to read some of your work!
I love how you described the sun as golden, and the moon as silver. I love everything about this poem! I love this poem so much! Thank you for sharing
Hey, felistia! clogs here to review!
You especially made good use of imagery, which I enjoyed. Since the imagery was so strong, I feel like your biggest weaknesses were the more technical aspects of this poem. Here are some suggestions:
These were some nice poems. Good job.
There seems to be a disturbing trend on this site of putting poems entirely in italics, and I'm not a fan of it. Italics are meant to emphasize certain words, so it takes away the meaning if you emphasize the entire poem! It's like playing a concerto with nothing but forzandos. If you're not a music nerd like me, that means a direction to play a certain note with a particular volume and emphasis. So basically like a musical italic. You don't want to play an entire piece with forzandos, because it would get boring. The same concept applies to poetry. Only use italics when necessary; otherwise it kinda seems like you're trying to compensate for a lack of something in your poetry.
I think you should split up the poems by putting I. and II. instead of just using the titles to divide them. It would make it seem more like two different movements of a piece, rather than two different pieces entirely. Then, it would look like this:
Or try not using the titles at all, just the numerals. It might be interesting to make the reader figure out what's going on in each poem, instead of just telling them.
Okay, now that I've rambled on enough about those small things, I'll get started on the content of the poems.
*typo sirens* "It's" should be "its", since it's possessive, not "it is".
In the first poem, you use the word "sky" in each of the stanzas. It's not like they're super close together or anything, but it was noticeable to me. I know there aren't a whole lot of synonyms for "sky", but maybe try and see if you can find one? Or you could find other things to relate the sun to.
This struck me as a bit odd, because the way it's phrased makes it sound like the moon itself is streaking the sky orange and pink. I don't think that's the case. Maybe try to separate these two lines from each other some more, so that it reads as two unrelated events.
This sounded a lot like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I'm not sure if it was an intentional reference or not, but I'd recommend using other words so it doesn't sound quite so similar.
I don't usually think of the moon as being normally a crescent. Maybe try a word that's a bit more vague, like "other times" as you used it in the last line.
I didn't really feel a sense of closure with this poem. With the other one, the sun went down and the moon came up as sort of a lead-in to the next poem, but this one just kind of stopped abruptly. I would want to add another stanza, but I understand that you probably want to keep each poem to the same number of stanzas. I guess it's up to you how to fix it if you want to, then.
Some things sounded a bit forced at points. Fortunately, your poem didn't fall into the trap of being laden with forced rhymes, as so many do. The forced part wasn't the rhymes so much as the order of the lines. For instance, the moon going down and the sky being streaked pink and orange that I mentioned before. The lines don't always follow logically. Another example is this stanza:
The middle line kind of felt like it was intruding on the other two. To me, it feels like the third line should come directly after the first line, and the second one just kind of throws me off. I think that this is partly due to the rhyme scheme. See, rhyming poetry is tricky, because you should never have to contort words unnaturally to get other words to rhyme, which unfortunately happens all too often. You've gotten to the point where the rhymes themselves aren't forced, so now it's time to think about how the words leading up the rhymes sound.
Speaking of the rhyme scheme, it's very interesting. It's a nice departure from the standard AABBCC and so forth. I quite liked that.
So I think that about concludes this review. Don't get me wrong; despite all this text about where you could improve, I still think you did a really good job with this poem! Your imagery is really something special. Keep up the great work!
Hello, felistia!
Wow, just wow! You have such a talent. Can you share it with me? Hehe, it was just too perfect. IT RHYMED! (which if you haven't guessed already I don't like free verse). I don't have any corrections because you didn't give me anything to correct. I like how you separated the two objects the sun and moon with bold titles. I think I might steal your idea. >:) Anyway, this review sucked but hey encouragement is always good! Keep writing so I can keep reviewing!
~Keep <3
Thank you for the review. I am glad that you thought the bold titles worked since I thought they wouldn't. I'm also glad that you like the rhymes.
Reeeeeview Time! It is me -spirit fingers- Soulful the Great....great in what? No clue. Review and personal opinion. -Rubs chins.- Which to do first?
Review: Nothing wrong. If there is I don't see it. BOOM. BAM. ROAR. -cough cough.-
Personal Opinion- this seems like a great opening to a mythology story. The sun and moon. Something with romance and adventure and DEATH blood gore....ahem. Anyway, When I first saw the title I immediately thought about that song 'I rather have Jesus than silver and gold'. I know it's crazy but that's what I thought. But when I read the poem I did and do love it. It portrays the sun and the moon so well.
That's it.
Thank you for the review. I am glad that you thought the bold titles worked. I was afraid that it wouldn't.