Sleep as deep as an ocean’s watery depths washes over me,
Carrying my mind’s boat out into a vast open sea.
The dancing waters sparkle in the moon's silver glow,
As they gently rock the boat to and fro.
Playful dreams lap at my boat’s mist draped sides.
As the night strengthens like the rising of the watery tides.
...
Then at the sharp stroke of midnight,
The moon’s silver gleam takes flight.
Replaced by roaring clouds of black rain,
Causing my little boat creak with pain.
Thundering waves smash into the misty deck,
Thrusting the sail over the boat’s crippled wreck.
...
My little boat is sinking and I weep,
Then I awaken from my stormy sleep.
Only to realize that it was just a nightmare,
And that those things weren’t really there.
Smiling, I lie back down to sleep,
To return to that vast ocean, deep.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hi,
I notice that a symptom many people on this site have is confusing being spot-on with descriptions with actual sophisticated use of language which would add ambiguity and flavor into a good poem. The phrase "the dancing waters sparkle" along with other such phrases seem thoughtlessly strung together.
Also, be wary of "weak' metaphors. The boat metaphor is borderline weak, but I want you to know that it's consistent development throughout the poem was very good.
Lastly, there is a problem with word choice. You wrote: "Replaced by roaring clouds of black rain,/ Causing my little boat creak with pain." The use of the long word "causing" breaks the euphony and natural flow between these two lines. You should consider being more ambiguous and replacing "causing" with "and". You should not be too mechanical in your language, especially when poetry is concerned. Using "specific" words like "causing" detracts from floral ambiguity.
Lemons
I'm Viclemore, here with a "review".
I love the depth in this work, and how you can create such a masterpiece with easy "standard" rhymes. I love your language and the way you write. There's not really much to pick on! Keep up the good work.
As someone commented, repetition of certain rhymes should be avoided, although I liked it in this poem.
Thanks for the review. I'm going to try and fix the rhymes.
P.S could you please leave a like.
I love the depth in this work, and how you can create such a masterpiece with easy "standard" rhymes. I love your language, and the way you write. There's not really much to pick on! Keep up the good work.
I think the metaphor you used is very appropriate. One thing I did notice was the repetition of certain rhymes within the last two stanzas. While I think it works very well in the last, the second stanza's rhymes of "midnight, flight, night, might" makes those lines bleed together, if that makes any sense. You may want to revise the first two lines of the second stanza. Other than that, I very much liked it.
Thanks for the review. I will go ahead and try to fix the rhymes.
P.S could you please leave a like?
Hello there, Gymnast2801 here with a review!
Your poem was so wonderful that I can't even stand it!!! I loved it so much and the rhyming, word choice and especially the topic and how your described it was amazing! I can tell you how much I love this poem!! Now, there where only two things that I could find wrong with this poem and it was only punctuation and a spelling error so let's get to it!
"Carrying my minds boat out into the vast open sea."
I believe there should be a comma after "out".
"Replaced be roaring clouds of black night,"
I think you ment to say, "by".
Other than that, I see nothing wrong! I'm even going to like this work because it's just so wonderful! Great, great job and keep on writing!
Thanks for reviewing my poem.