The
small band warriors crept through the city,
towards the dark, gaping hole in the highway,
loud rumbling snores blast out of the tar and clay.
The leading man called Bheka walks up to the tunnel,
this is the serpent’s lair and the snake seems asleep,
so down the men sneak into the black burrow, deep.
Grey spider webs cover the burnt walls in clumps,
and the air is filled with the ugly stench of death,
rivers of smoke leave the men gasping for breath.
As they venture downwards the snores get louder,
rattling the walls, dislodging pebbles and dirt,
All the men are scared and on high alert.
Finally they reach the end of the tunnel,
where in a huge twisted pile the snake lies,
Bheka gasps at the serpent’s great size.
The men walk silently up to the snakes head,
clutching their poisonous swords and spears,
the men fight to still their growing fears.
Bheka raises the signal to stab the beast,
and the men let their weapons fly,
the sand serpent wakes with a cry.
Writhing as the spears penetrate its hide,
releasing their deadly toxins into its blood,
the snake thrashes, tossing up rocks and mud.
Hissing in anger the serpent roars a pillar of flame.
The men duck for cover as burning red fire rains down,
They rush up the tunnel avoiding the falling rocks, brown.
The
serpent’s painful roars slowly fade down to nothing,
and only dead silence hovers in the air around the men,
as they cautiously creep back into the snake’s den.
At the bottom lies the still serpent,
its eyes grey and scales burnt black,
it now lies finished and on its back.
The toxic spears have done
their work,
and the prehistoric serpent is dead,
as a new future for man lies ahead.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Heya, Fel! Casanova here with another short review! I'm excited to see that I'm at the end of your story! Well, poem. Let's get to it!
These lines were alright, I didn't see anything significant in them but it was a decent start/continuing of it.
The last line really put me off. The ending word,"deep," could be taken out and nothing would be lost from the poem. It feels as if only for rhyme.
I rather like these lines, keep it up. The imagery is there, and it seems as if it goes well with the story you're trying to tell.
I felt like you could do without these lines, and you would lose nothing to the poem. They seem to only give a little insight to the poem, but they don't really contribute anything.
These lines were good, and I like how you give name and reactions in it. Not exactly poetry style, but I feel like this could do well as prose/epic poem style, so I particularly enjoyed this.
The ending line seems to be formatted to fit the rhyme, and seemed kind off off. I would suggest tossing the rhyme.
Now, when you say cry I pictured a snake crying. I don't think that's what you actually meant. I think with a hiss or a roar would be better, making it seem more ferocious than this is. Again, I feel like this is only for rhyme.
I actually have nothing to critique on this one, I rather liked this stanza.
Again, Brown could be deleted from this and you could lose absolutely nothing. It seems to be there just for rhyme, and that's really a put off when you're focusing on the rhyme and not the story you're telling.
Now here you could have used cries and it would have fit better, but instead you used,"roars." How come this is a roar, yet it's startled awakening was crying?
Snakes sleep on their stomach, yeah? Well, how did it get on its back? You never mentioned it thrashing onto it or anything of the sort.
I rather like these lines, and I appreciate the story and how it ends.
One thing I didn't like was how this one was shaped, and yet the others was not. I don't know why it was done that way, but you're the author.
That's all I have to say about this one, and thanks for sharing. I hope this helped, even a bit.
Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
This is Kaos here for another review!
I don't know why the poem is formatted like this now and the rest aren't, but it's inconsistent and messes with my brain. Anyway, so this turned out just like I didn't want it to. The rhymes are actually the most well-made in this one and that's the only thing that I can really say improved, at least in my mind. The poem ended the way that I hoped it wouldn't and I want to tell you why. The prophecy said that the serpent would kill every human being on earth, and what happens? Not that.
That's the problem with prophecies, they never come true, and it doesn't here either. You could tell me that it was the STRENGTH of humanity that came through, but I don't really care about that. What I want to know is if the serpent knew of the prophecy, if the prophecy was real or fake, how accurate are the prophets in this story? It seems to be a better gauge to believe in the opposite of what a prophet says.
The images are fine in this one, but the lines do a lot of repeating and repetition. They're running over themselves and the combination of "swords and spears" amongst other words that are repeated over and over gets stale. The ending to the story didn't really do anything for me as I said before and lacks emotional impact, but it wraps up (except for all my questions about the serpent that are never answered and we never really got to know if it was aware of what it was doing i.e could it think and so on.). This left me unsatisfied, and I think it was that way from the start of part three because at least I was interested in the first two parts some. Though to be honest I haven't seen this many parts and poems posted at once, haha, it's an abnormal thing and all.
I hope I helped and have a great day!