The
air is filled with the deafening sound,
of
a terrifying quake rattling the ground.
The
heavens tremble and shake,
as
the underground rivers wake.
Spouting
their plumes of deadly smoke,
Covering
the earth in a dark scorching cloak.
Scarlet
fire rains from the blackened skies,
and the air becomes
clouded
with cries.
Vast
lakes boil and seethe and great mountains fall,
As
flame sweeps over the earth in one giant wall.
Whiping
out all life and leaving only ash and dust,
A
once vibrant planet now a desolate black crust.
The
raging sapphire blue ocean growls one last roar,
As
it throws its waves against the empty shores.
…..
In a
panic I jump from my bed,
sweat
coating my neck and head.
My
body is shaking and my heart is pounding,
as I
fearfully realize that the end is coming.
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140,194 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Well the dream theme isn't that just something! I like your poem -and trust me when u say I'm becoming a huge fan of your writing- you know what I've also written a poem with the tittle "the end"
I really really appreciate everything you put in there in your work -the word choice and the way you described the scenes is really remarkable!
Keep it up, love
Fangirl~
The words used are perfect for this type of poem you are writing.
The last stanza doesn't really seem to rhyme that well though maybe I am wrong.
There could be some variation onto how others feel or things of that nature.
You could incorporate the reactions of animals to this event.
All in all a pretty great poem.
I love your imagery and it gives a clear depiction of a real end of the world. On a side note, I just read the book The Road by Cormac McCarthy and it's this kind of destruction that I think he had in mind for his post-apocalyptic setting, so it's pretty relevant to me right now.
However, I noticed a few stand-out grammar problems in the syntax that I feel could be easily corrected. Just try reading the poem as actual sentences instead of in verse when editing. The few that jumped out at me was "The air is filled the deafening sound, of terrifying quack rattling the ground." It would make a lot more sense if you added the word 'with' to make "The air is with filled the deafening sound of terrifying quack rattling the ground." (Also you said the word quack, like a duck, instead of quake.) I think you might have the sentence like this to keep your comma pattern, but there is still no complete thought made. Also, when reading I noticed that "awake" is more commonly replaced with "wake," but not necessary.
Hiya! The review fairy has come ;P
Your descriptions and word choice were wonderful, they seemed to transport me into the scene. However, your description of the ocean distracted me. The specific line being:
"The raging denim blue ocean growls one last roar"
the word "denim" is what throws it off for me. Compared to all of your other descriptive words it gives the connotation of something artificial, while everything else is very natural.
Two other things(i'm being nitpicky here), one being in the part of the piece where the narrator woke up the sentence:
"In a panic I jump from my bed,
Sweat coating my neck and head."
I think the words "neck" and "head" should be switched to have it read: sweat coating my head and neck.
Or better yet rewrite the sentence to something like this but better: In a panic I jump from my bed, sweat coating my body.
Having the two body parts separate is a bit weird sounding.
The other thing I found strange was how you formatted the poem after the narrator woke up. You are still rhyming but since the tone has changed to it being a bit more like a novel I think capitalizing the beginning of the second line of both of those stanzas is a bit weird. Simply put "Sweat" and "As" seem like it would be better if they were not capitalized.
Sorry, that may have sounded a bit harsh but I really liked it. I'm looking forward to your future works.
Hi IHI, thanks for the review. I understand about the ocean and changed that, but I can't change the neck and head bit since the poem has a rhyming pattern, but thank anyway.
Ya, no problem! I like the new way you described the ocean btw
Hello felista! CHRISSY321 here with a quick review!
I really enjoyed this poem! I loved all of the descriptive scenes, and the way you made it all work together! He are few suggestions:
This area was great, but it kind of bothered me. You had all of the other stanzas rhyming with an aa;bb;cc etc. pattern, and then this line is different. I think that you could maybe change the wording so it keeps to the flow.
At the end it is really cool. I think that you can keep going with this. You can create a story to go along with this poem! It would make more sense to add on to what you have on the bottom, instead of just having that. I think it is great either way, but that is just something I would have added.
Thanks for sharing this great poem and I hope you write more!
Keep Writing,
Chrissy
Hi Chrissy321 thanks for the review. About making a story about the end of the world, I have already done a poem story very similar to it called the Serpent of the Sands. I would love if you could have a look.