Freedom is a beautiful thing.
Shining like the clearest of crystals,
She is alive like the emerald forests of the north.
She calls to you with her singing song,
Like the roar of the waves crashing upon the sand,
Or the gentle murmur of the wind through the trees.
She beckons to you, pulling you towards her.
She can be strong like a leopard’s sharp claws,
Or like the soft touch of the sun on an eagle’s wings.
Her irresistible aroma tempts you.
From the needle sharp smell of the southern snows,
To the cool salty breeze of the wild oceans.
Once you have a taste of her crystal pools
You will never want to leave.
You will roam like the snow bound wolf,
Or the joyous dolphin, leaping through the seas.
Forever wild and free.
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139,436 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
Hi,
Sure, freedom is beautiful; your poem is clarifying that up.
This review is to fulfill the long-but-not-lost request you gave to me.
Okay, like usual, you are using beautiful wordings, wild animals as a symbol to freedom, and try to give all the five senses into this poem which is not the thing I want to stress in this review.
I'll become a little nitpicking brat, so pardon in advance, but I'll not try to repeat the previous reviewers, so mostly I'm using my own opinions which you can reject or accept or both.
Using a lot of adjectives, you must be dealing with a lot of decisions whether which is/are the best word/s to describe this or that thing. For me, I quite dislike using adjectives because I think they are explaining the obvious. I'll tend to use adjectives when the obvious is wrong and to describe something specifically. How some adjectives don't describe something specifically? Example, like salty ocean. Even if you don't write salty, people know it is salty. It is totally okay to use adjectives to show that you're stressing that matter, but a reason sometimes needed. Basically in a poem, adjectives play their part to make the poem concrete... well, not only in a poem though. Let me points out some adjectives and review their usage, okay?
I agree with Pretzel that beautiful is overused. Even if you don't write it, we still get the impression that freedom is beautiful. However, (this is a little out of topic,) you stressed that freedom is a thing. Freedom is a state of being free. I think it is super weird to write freedom is a beautiful thing like you can throw and catch it.
I also agree with Pretzel (again) that you put a row of adjectives in front of a subject. For this quoted line, we know that needle is sharp, so the word sharp there just fill in the space. Same like the next line, the word salty is used to describe the ocean breeze.
Singing song? So madame freedom doesn't sing, but she made songs and the song sings itself? Great punchline.
...
Okay, next is a small thing that irritated me a little. It is the, what the word...? Oh, the structured sentence. Other word, the order of the ideas. Your ideas are great, but this small thing ruins it a little:
I'm getting that you were going to say that freedom is strong, but sometimes it can be soft. However, the logic and the grammar or this sentence indicate that freedom is strong like a the claws and like the soft touch of the sun. Even you used 'or', the strong there is still the basis of the comparison you're using. Example like I write happy as the bird singing on the tree, or the fish below that leaps after getting its fish food. It's continuous. Conclusion, there should be another word to change it a little like (that is a foolish example by the way)
Overall, this poem solved the problem it wanted to solve: To explain to the whole world that freedom is just beautiful.
I can't say I like it 10/10. But I give you 6/10.
Keep on writing and keep on being positive!
~Memo
Hello Felistia! CHRISSY321 here with a review as promised!
I have been really late to the party with reviewing this! It seems like everything has been said to correct it, but I think I am just going to mainly focus on how great this poem was, and good points to repeat in future works!
I just simply adored this part! The way you used personification to truly show the feeling you get towards the feeling of freedom, to show how one is really attracted to it- you really got it perfect! This was just a truly amazing part that I really wanted to point out! Along with that note, personification is a truly awesome aspect to add to your writing. Not only is is wonderful in poems, but in stories as well! Using it to describe the wind, or trees, it really brings writing to life and makes it amazing! I really hope you continue to use this!
Overall, there really is nothing else to say! It is just simply amazing, and I just simply fell in love with the poem! I really hope you continue to write!
~Chrissy <3 <3 <3
Sorry about the late reply.
Thank you for the review.
Hello felistia,
Thank you for giving me the pleasure of reading this poem, and it really did flow very well I feel like. The imagery that you used here was excellent, but there are obviously some things that you could do to help make it better.
While reading the poem, I felt like you got a bit sidetracked with your general intent that was supposed to conveyed through the poem. The reason why is that it felt like you started going off on tangent and describing how various animals would react to their "free" environment.
A couple of times (I believe 3) you have repeated that idea of animals adapting to their environment, which is a good point in repetition. What you could do to polish that up is to make it more specific to the place of freedom, whatever that's supposed to symbolize through the poem.
Ok generally you have used three adjective in a row for one verb, which is quite a bad habit to do in poetry in my opinion. Cluttering your poem with adjectives, isn't really going to help you convey your meaning more clearly, because it gets bland. I know that many newer poets use too many adjectives (and honestly, I'm guilty of that myself) but what I try to do is while editing the poem, I go and cut the adjective done to only one. That really clean cuts the image and makes me choose only the word that conveys the strongest and most clear meaning.
I feel like beautiful isn't a strong enough word here. It is used so many times, and the problem is, that you don't have to tell us that freedom is beautiful, instead you're supposed to show us that freedom is beautiful, which you already sucessfully have.
I feel like the "she" and "she" repetition as first words in the lines shouldn't be there. Now, this isn't some rule, but as a general preference, I wouldn't really go for doing that twice. What about if you just replace the second one with a verb like that ^. Also, that seconds metaphor confuses, because how is it possible to call out when you singing a song. I honestly can't always do that when I sing, especially when I get into the deep musical feels.
Same thing here with the she repetition, this looks more tidy in my opinion.
That's honestly all that I have to say about this poem. Hope this helped.
Until Next Time,
~P.S.
Sorry about the late reply.
Thank you for the review. I will see what I can do to fix it up a bit.
Hello felistia, steampowered here with a review! I don’t often review poetry, but I’ll try my best to leave you with some decent feedback.
Generally, I thought this was a really beautiful, flowing poem. I really liked the imagery and the similes you used, not to mention the way you personify freedom so it feels like she’s a friend you can’t do without.
I actually don’t have that many suggestions for improvement, but one of the things that is good when you write a non-rhyming poem is to have some kind of repetition that prevents the poem from rambling too much.
It’s just my opinion obviously, but what I think might be nice would be if you were to repeat a key line. For example, you have a lot of power in the lines which end in full stops “freedom is a beautiful thing”, “her irresistible aroma tempts you” etc. so perhaps you could keep coming back to the same point – for example, the line about freedom being a beautiful thing (another reviewer remarked that it was a really strong line, so maybe it would work)
As it stands the poem is really good, but I think you could possibly give it a more chant-like quality, coming back to the original message of the poem. Hopefully this review helps, but obviously you don’t have to take my advice. Just experiment and see if you like it any better.
Keep writing!
-steampowered-
Thanks for the review. I will have a look and see what I can do.
Hey, Dogs here for a review, on your awesome poem. I really liked it, but enough about that let's get started! :3
Figurative Language: You used a lot for similes and metaphors in this poem, and I really liked that. I really like how you did this, it was so good.
Organization: The poem was very organized and easy to read, and you want that so the reader knows what's going on.
Favorites: My favorite line in the whole poem is the first line "Freedom is a beautiful thing."
I love this line because it just says so much and it has so much meaning in it. It's true freedom is a beautiful thing, and I'm glad we are free.
I really liked you poem, and I'm happy you wrote it.
Keep up the fantastic writing,
Love,
Dogs <3
Yolo peoples!!!! LadyRanicorn here!!! I LOVE, LOVE this poem!!!!!! You say that you made it quickly, but it has the amazingness of a poem that you would spend HOURS on!!! It literally made me cry, it's that good, books rarely make me cry so thats a HUGE compliment. It reminds me of one of my own characters, KaiRyu, how she's part siren and everything. I LOVE things about freedom, even if it's in poem form... Now, I don't know a whole lot about poems, if you read some of my other reviews on topics like this you would know, but this poem has the type of feeling that I like and look for in certain books, poems rarely attract my attention so this is kinda big that I'm review a poem... It's absolutly BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!! I LOVE it!!!! If all poems were like this, hey, I would be their number one fan!! Unfortunately, their not, so until next time, awsome dragon person, LadyRanicorn out!!!!!!(Love your profile pic, btw...)
Thank you for the review. I am glad you liked the poem. Could you please leave a like, pretty please.
p.s I like your pic too.
Thx!!!!!! Left you a like!!!