Forked branches of sunlit evening red,
Hanging above a dry golden leaf bed.
A winter chill whispers in the autumn breeze,
Sweeping the warm copper leaves from the oak trees.
Drops of brilliant amber trail across the turquoise sky,
As they dance on the murmuring wind and fly.
The rustling of the trees fades with a withering sigh,
As the breath of wind retreats towards the darkening sky.
Dropping the glowing jewels of autumn gold,
As the season of fallen colours grows old.
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140,191 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hi,
Felistia. Long time no see, aye? This is my first review over a long period of time, so bare with me, 'kay? Happy review day also!
In a wide prospect, I certainly like those descriptions of almost all the things in your poem. The style is very calm and relaxing and not provoking any jumbled images or rather, you limit your poem to a degree which got its ups' and downs'. One obvious flaw I noticed is, as the previous reviewer said, it sounds a little forced. The reason may cause by
1. You are too concentrate on describing things. An analogy: It is like a box that you try to fit things as much as you can in it as you totally ignore about the condition of these things. Not to be rude, but it is like you just put together without caring about what happen to the poem as long as it 'fits'.
2. The end-rhymed perfection. If you do sonnets, you will understand on how much sufferings these poems do to its poets as they limit the end-rhymes like HELL... (That's only my prospect though.)
3. The length of your poem. Only consisting of 5 stanzas with have 2 lines each, making altogether 10 lines, you are trying to color everything without spilling any. As the 1st reason, you should just give some winds in the poem.
Lemme dig in.
Fragment. Not that fragment is a thing to 'not do' in poetry, but it has its time and this is not a time to use a fragment. I don't think 'red' is a good verb, if you point out it is one. You should add commas if there are many adjectives sticking to a noun, otherwise it will be quite hectic AKA messy.
How? The verb you used here are NOT appealing (I pointed out the "whispers"). I feel like it is very simple and offer a vague imagery. You should be able to search for a 'concrete' one. Another thing is, are you trying to juxtapose images? Like 'winter chill' which is cold, and using the obvious 'warm' there. I don't find them quite relating enough, but a little confusing.
I disagree with turquoise sky. There are some relationships between turquoise sky and autumn, but for me (personal perception) I find turquoise as a color that makes me wanna vomit. And to me, amber color and turquoise didn't match together, making for a queer surrounding. 'fly' is vague.
And the rest, I think quite beautiful. So tender with soft touches as you ends the poem with a quavering pattern of falling.
Keep writing.
~Memo
Very lovely. ^^ You have exquisite imagery when describing all of the things of a fading autumn. My only quip in that some of the rhymes feel a bit forced, but that doesn't have to be changed. I think this poem works well overall, and captures the autumn scene. You have great personification as well, I should add. c: Looking forwards to more works by you!
Thank you for the review. I do agree that in some area's the rhymes feel forced and I'll see if I can make it feel less forced.
P.S could you please leave a like.
Such a beautiful great poetry!Thank you for sharing it with us.I like the theme for the seasons in general so this was worth the read and really impressed me.I like it as whole and I do not think I have something bad to say about it so I will just say..go on and keep on writing!
Thank you for the comment. I really appreciate it.
P.S could you please leave a like.
Hello, felistia. Keepwriting here to clear out the green room. I didn't find any fault here. It was very pretty. I love the way you describe the disappearance of Autumn when it finally passes and the next season follows. I'm glad I'm the first one to review your poem and compliment you on this wonderful piece; it was fabulous. Much better than your last poem. Just a nitpicky thing I want to comment on:
Drops of brilliant amber trail across the turquoise sky,
As they dance on the murmuring wind and fly.
Id make it:
Drops of brilliant amber trail across the turquoise sky,
As they dance on the murmuring wind and fly by.
But that's completely up to you. Thanks for posting this. It was very well written. I hope to read some more from you in the future. Keep writing so I can keep reviewing!
~Keepwriting
Thank you for your review.