Hi,
I notice that a symptom many people on this site have is confusing being spot-on with descriptions with actual sophisticated use of language which would add ambiguity and flavor into a good poem. The phrase "the dancing waters sparkle" along with other such phrases seem thoughtlessly strung together.
Also, be wary of "weak' metaphors. The boat metaphor is borderline weak, but I want you to know that it's consistent development throughout the poem was very good.
Lastly, there is a problem with word choice. You wrote: "Replaced by roaring clouds of black rain,/ Causing my little boat creak with pain." The use of the long word "causing" breaks the euphony and natural flow between these two lines. You should consider being more ambiguous and replacing "causing" with "and". You should not be too mechanical in your language, especially when poetry is concerned. Using "specific" words like "causing" detracts from floral ambiguity.
Lemons
Points: 673
Reviews: 20
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