moments like these make me wonder
what is it about silence that makes sound become necessary?
this blackness shoves into my throat, choking everything i want to scream.
my lungs grow too full, sagging with words unspoken,
my face blood-red with rose petals and tongue pricking with thorns.
i fill the air with shaky breaths that you do not hear.
you started talking and i listened for meaning, for truth,
for the love you promised, your vow now shattered in jagged, glassy pieces.
i found emptiness and lies and apathy, and it was almost like looking in a mirror.
you asked why i laughed. i didn't have an answer.
i never do. but you--you do, to questions i don't ask.
that dress is ugly.
you shouldn't see anna this weekend.
i'm too tired.
i'm tired too.
i wonder if you know that.
but you are still talking, and the sound of your voice suddenly becomes ugly,
like medusa morphed into audio. i think i am turning to stone.
as these epiphanies cloud my mind, i lie
in this bed, this cage, this prison of patience
and let your words choke empty air.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,022 Literary Works • 672,754 Reviews
Hello there,
I just want to say that that is really, really good! Every line is so deep with emotions of hurt, anger, loneliness... it was all conveyed so powerfully. I really liked the structure of the poem as well... especially how you separated the last three lines to maybe show how this character is suddenly facing reality.
All of the imagery, metaphors, everything just fit in so well. This is a truly devastating poem to read... and I think that means it's really well done!
hey, erilea I really like your poem here. I could feel the pain in these lines like it was my own. What I love about it is that both the characters in it are flawed and are seeking redemption through each other While they fail to recognize themselves in the other. By the end of the poem when the narrator realises that he is just talking to a different version of himself the voice turns ugly and I am guessing that he prefers the sound of silence over his own voice in his head. That is the great thing about the poem that it works well with two separate characters, but it also works if you think about the voice as the voice inside your head.
All the best. Keep Writing
Thank you!
Hey, Che here for a quick review!
Overall, I thought that this was a rather beautiful poem. The emotion and heartbreak you were able to portray was actually pretty 'upsetting' to me, which is a good thing as it means you got the point across really well.
The structure was nice, and I particularly liked the separation of that last three line stanza as it made it quite clear that the stanza had an important message.
Honestly, I can't find anything to critique you on! The enjambment was a lovely touch, as were the caesura's- they forced the reader to stop and take in the raw emotion that was being portrayed. I especially liked the use of italics and the line "I'm too tired"
Keep writing!
Regards, Che
Thank you!