When the dragons attack
And the snow turns blue
I'll be swimming around
Up on the moon.
When the zombies invade
And rocks are made of foam
I'll call Jupiter
My home sweet home.
When sofas can talk
And bugs can squish cars
I'll dance with Martians
On the surface of Mars.
When raindrops fall up
And humans walk on the sun
That's when I'll stop loving
Percy Jackson.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,754 Reviews
ChocolateCello here!
AHH Percy Jackson fan! *Highfives*
So I loved the poem, it was great, but there were two line that I felt threw off the rhythm a bit.
"And humans walk on the sun"
"And rocks are made of foam"
They both feel a syllable too long. I'm rereading them and trying to figure out an easy was to shorten them but I'm stumped so you might just have to leave them. (It's not a big deal anyway.)
One last thing (Sorry, I'm always picky with titles) you don't need to capitalize the 'The' in your title. It doesn't really matter, I've seen titles on here with typos, but it just seems a bit nicer that way.
I really liked this poem! Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello
Thanks a lot! I love Percy Jackson. It's the best.
I find this so cute. Stating if the impossible ever occurs you'll do something that you would imagine that could never happen.
Hi wisegirl22! This is Hermione here for a review. Hey, that rhymed!
I thought this poem was very playful and sweet, but I saw a few parts where you could improve on its flow.
The last line of this rhyme seems too short, causing the thought to end abruptly. I would suggest lengthening it to say "On the surface of Mars" or "On the red dust of Mars".
I would delete the word 'can' in the second line and fill out the third line by saying 'That's when I'll stop loving'. Try reading it this way and see if it flows better to you. It did to me.
One more nitpick I had while reading this is that 'blue' and 'moon' don't rhyme very well. In my opinion, if you're going to use a rhyme scheme you should use it all the way through your poem. Using only a near rhyme in this part made it stick out like a sore thumb. Maybe instead of saying that the snow turns blue you could use a different color like red or green and then finish out the rhyme differently. That's up to you.
Overall, good job on this. It was very random and fun. By the way, I love Percy Jackson too! *hits follow*
Thanks a lot! You're the second person to comment that "review" and "wisegirl22" rhyme. Getting a little bit boring. But no hard feelings!
Thanks for the tips. I'll look into it!
Oops, I didn't know someone had already said that. But I'm glad I could help!
It's fine.