Your golden hair once brought my legs out from under me
and I fell.
Fell into the mountain of dollars I climbed
to reach your cold, glass heart.
But you didn't let me in
you blocked me with your golden mansions
that reached the sky.
Your convertibles couldn't take our love where I wanted it to go
but it was all fake, like your crystal chandelier that hung
in your bedroom.
Those fifty-pound weights you used
to enlarge your muscles for every girl that passed
crushed my hopes.
But I've learned my lesson now,
not from the library full of books you owned,
but from you.
You weren't a good teacher
neither were the ones from your expensive private school
but I learned.
You can try buying everyone else's hearts
but not mine.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hey, Artemis28. I stumbled on this poem, I'm lingering because it reminds me of The Great Gatsby. The idea of wealth and a show to steal a girl's heart fits perfectly.
Out of curiosity, have you read The Great Gatsby? It doesn't matter really, but I'm wondering whether this is a coincidence.
I loved the premise, and don't really have any other suggestions for changes. I'm not a poetry person, you see...
Keep Writing!
~Bella~
I've never read The Great Gatsby, but thanks for checking this out!
Heya, wisegirl.
Your golden hair once brought my legs out from under me
and I fell.
You split this sentence is the best place possible. I paused between the lines, which added the right amount of emphasis to and I fell. It's a really good opening line.
Your convertibles couldn't take our love where I wanted it to go
but it was all fake, like your crystal chandelier that hung
in your bedroom.
I liked how you described the girl's feelings about his money and he uses it to 'buy' girls, like your title says. You've done a greatb job expressing that.
not from the library full of books you owned
At least he's decent enough to spend money on lots of books. :p
You can try buying everyone else's hearts
but not mine.
Excellent conclusion to the poem! You shoved it right in that guy's face.
It was well written, and I enjoyed reading it.
Thank you! Quite proud of this poem, actually.
this poem is absolutely wonderful, i practically see no flaws to correct and this is the first time i am saying this, i love the use of pun in the word " pound" and i also like the other connections you made... i particularity like the line "it was all fake, like your crystal chandelier that hung
in your bedroom.". keep writing , you have huge potential an a bright talent...
Rituparna
Thank you! I particularly liked this one.
Hi, wisegirl! Lovely poem you have here.
Well, the theme here is pretty obvious. Riches cannot buy love or affection. It's an interesting theme, and I'm curious as to what influenced it. Anywho, I personally felt it could have been executed better. I felt that the rhythm was uneven and the periods made the poem more choppy. Some lines were long, some were short, some stanzas were four lines while the majority were three. Just something to think about.
When I started reading this, I thought of Rapunzel- with golden hair and all. But later in the poem it's pretty obvious that the person being described was a male. Perhaps mention that the hair was short?
And then there was this line:
I didn't like the repetition of the word "fell". Perhaps replace it with "tumbling" or another synonym, to make it different. That, or just get rid of the line "and I fell". Is it necessary? This is what I was wondering.
This other line also felt very out of place:
I don't know, it just felt kind of random to me. It fit in with the theme, but it wasn't as poetic as some of the other lines. Perhaps replace it with something more abstract?
So while I felt that most of this poem was decent, I did feel that your description game could be improved. Look up synonyms of average words and avoid cliches. Focus on describing, not telling.
Overall, I liked this poem. It has a good theme and I think you have the idea of freestyle poetry. Keep writing and being amazing!
~Night
Thank you.
Hi!
I'm going to start this review with nitpicks. So we shall start!
'Golden' is used previously in the poem; I would suggest you change this adjective.
Really, that's all the nitpicks. Haha.
So. Wow. This poem had such a great message, and I thought you came across it very nicely. The imagery is actually quite good (awesome job on that).
One thing I might recommend is a little more emotion. You're more telling us how she feels, not showing us. Try to incorporate more emotion and feeling of this girl in here.
Overall, this was splendid!! I loved it a lot. Please keep writing poetry,
~ EternalRain ^.^
Yeah I definitely will.
Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin on the message of this poem is amazing and wise since when you think about it, the person in this poem is trying to get over the person that has a cold-hearten soul with the outside of a knight in shinning armor. Also how people could relate since we all have found love and didn't even mind what they have done bad to themselves; our hearts were talking for us.
just a suggestion here that maybe you should change weren't to would never since weren't sounds like the present (in a sense) but would never sounds more the future (in a sense).Nitpick(s):
i think you might want to change enlarge to something more more connected to the readers imagery sensors like hefty or better yet here's a link : http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/large. They could help you with why you might need for a word for large.
Overall, i believe that every person or reader who might read this, could really relate (including me) since we all have loved a person who was popular or wanting to be like them but realizing that you can't.
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
Yeah. So this poem is about a girl who once thought she liked this rich, show-off guy who was full of money, but broke up as soon as she saw him with someone else. So technically I could keep the weren't.