cut through my layers, darling,
don't mind those spines.
i promise they won't prick
unless i tell them to.
-
peel away my leaves one by one, darling,
wipe away that red jewel beading on your fingertips.
they say that everything is temporary, although
scars can stay.
-
use that silver knife well, darling,
the crafted handle can't take away from the razor edge.
one by one, slice by slice,
chop away my fruit and leave me bare.
-
can you taste it, darling?
sweetness and sourness all wrapped up in one.
oh, and don't wipe your mouth after, dear,
i'm afraid i can't be taken away so easily.
let my acid words rush through your throat,
leave your tongue tingling
with a spiny aftertaste.
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139,430 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
AH GH GHG JH HDS BXU AZ HDN XW ISN That was really good.
It's Jade here, and I am back with another review.
I loved the layout so much and the way the wording flowed oh so smoothly. I think it was really good and 3 of my friends thought so too. So this review will be from the words of 3 other people as well as myself. Anyways, I loved the imagery and the personification, or ,,Itemification???? I have no fricken idea how to describe that.
Hai, Im Kaylee and I also liked your poem. I liked the references to pineapples (I love pineapples.) At least I think it had pineapple references. I also liked how it seemed to have self harm references, at least thats what it sounded like.
Rachel: This flowed freely and I thought it sounded great. I could visualize the words in my head and create different scenes. Thank you for this poem.
Hailee: Ahhhhhhhh can I share this poem with people, plzzzzz. This was so good!
Thank you so much! I think it'd be personification.
Yea~ Sorry, I'm just too weird and usually think into things,, I just didn't know which way it went because it could be talking about a person as an item or an item as a person, I dunno, just ignore me.
What a do, What it is. Its yo boi comin' at you with a review.
I think that this was a really interesting poem. Very creative topic, if I do say so myself.
Now, lets get down to business shall we.
The problem:
My only problem is that you didn't capitalize the beginning of a new sentence. Also. you didn't capitalize your eyes either. Here's just a tip: To let your readers know that you are starting a new line in the stanzas, make sure that you are always capitalizing the beginning letter.
Besides that, I think that this was a really creative poem that is written. This is the first poem that I had read that was about the spine of a pineapple, and think that you have also taken writing to a knew level.
I hope to read more of your work in the future. Keep up the good work!!
~Namjoon~
Thanks for the praise!
If you stick around this site, you'll know that the capitalization is actually a stylistic choice made by a lot of poets on here, so that's not something to actually "fix"--unless, of course, it looks completely unintentional.
Again, I appreciate your commentary!
Please feel free to ignore my advice, it is not meant to hurt you or offend you or make you seem bad in anyway, or make your poem seem bad, or demean it. However brace yourself for impact, regardless of my warnings. That said . . .
1. What I liked
What can I say? This is amazing. For someone your age you sound as though you are an adult! Its that good. I loved how this talked about the pain of relashionships. Very cool.
2. Flow & Style
Both your flow and style are quite excellent, but I think a few things should be mentioned-
Okay so I know this is just a part of the poem and your own style but I think (though I am not annoyed) other people might get annoyed at the constant use of Dear and Darling in the start of each paragraph. Secant okay I've been told off about this before, but I think you should use capitals. It's a style I know but I feel that poems are better with capitals. Thats just me.
3. Encouragment
Amazingly excellent work! Keep this up. You'll wow everyone I'm sure.
4. Overall
Overall, I thought this was pretty good. Loved this.
Thanks for the review! You didn't offend me at all.
Hey, Lupa! Raven here with a review!
So, wow. I wasn't sure what I was getting into when I saw the title, but I was pleasantly surprised. You may be the first to use a pineapple as an analogy for a relationship, and I applaud you for it.
I like the lack of capital letters; it adds a dimension to the poem in a way I'm not positive I can describe without butchering it. The repetition of "darling" is also a very pleasing aesthetic, mainly because not very many people use the word when speaking to or about their loved ones anymore. My one criticism of this piece (seriously, I only had one because this was really, really good) is the line "they say that everything is temporary, although/scars can stay". I didn't think this line really fit in with the entirety of the poem; it felt a little thrown in. Maybe rephrase it or just get rid of the "scars can stay" part.
That's about all I think needs to be said! Very, very well done, my friend. Keep up the good work!
Regards,
RavenLord
Thanks for the review!
No problem!