Happiness

Hello! I'm here to review on one of your two poems that you've requested for me to review. It's Brunnera-- here to leave some advice and encouragement on your poetry!

I don't think I've found any technical errors in this work. Everything was pretty much well-revised and checked out, though I did find some confusion trying to understand a few lines, such as:

" but really, I was
raining. "

And:

" Rain falls today
anticipating
bright sun "


Now then, for the first one, what do you mean by "I was raining"? Are you trying to tell us the narrator is depressed, or if the narrator was somehow the sky and was raining? What do the opening lines have anything to do with either? You see, when this confusion occurs, a reader stops and stares at these lines, and this is bad, especially for a poem, because a poem needs to flow beautifully and smoothly.
I still have no slightest clue as to what you mean by "I was raining", but, somehow, you'll have to alter those lines into words that will make sense and convey message to the reader.

For:

" Rain falls today
anticipating
bright sun "

I know this sounds cool and deep-- but looking at it, it really isn't. Be aware that words of poetry should make sense, not just because they sound good and meaningful! Rain cannot anticipate the sun, because these are opposite. It's like saying the candle's flame burns, expecting water to be poured over it.

Another issue here is the overall flow. Words that are supposed to be together in one line is separated into individual lines, and that leads to the reader reading your poem like a robot.

Adapt the habit of reading your poems aloud before posting them, since-- it was unpleasant to read this work aloud, because usually, when one reaches the end of a line, one pauses-- and when the following line is actually a continuation of the previous one, your poem loses flow and power.

Best example:

" If I had a nickel
[for every time a
person said] "I'm fine" "

Maybe if "person" was connected to "for every time a", it would sound much better. This also applies for multiple places throughout the poetry.

Though rough around the edges, this was still a good work. I like the honesty and brutal truth of happiness, and the nature of mankind always wallowing in depression. It's a nice theme to capture in a poem.

By the way, I just realized you were nine. When I was nine, my writing was basically trash xD I'm impressed...you are really good at what you do. Keep writing!

~Brunnera

This is amazing! I love on how you point out that most of the people now says "I'm fine" when they're not. I like on how you're telling and revealing the truth behind of a smile. It's really amazing! This masterpiece is just amazing! I love on how you put all your effort and brain cells to made this! This is like heaven on earth! I really do love it! I might just be exaggerating, but this masterpiece got me overwhelmed and I really like it! Wait no. I don't like it. I love it! People really do deserve to be truly happy. I hate how people these days think that they're happy on SOME things around them, Like sometimes, these things around them hurt them and they forgive them easily because they apologize and they make them happy when they know that they deserve something better. They deserve the best. Don't get me wrong. Small things meant big to some people too, but what I mean are those people who is settled on the things that's behind them making them turn around then at the end, they'll be regretting the fact on why they didn't make it better. It really annoys me because I myself, experienced that and yet this poem just shove the truth to my face again xD This is really amazing.

Keep up the great work! Don't stop writing!

You are a fantastic and realist writer!

The only thing I can possibly correct on this is to make the sentences a bit less choppy, and to maybe use some stronger adjectives.

Also you might want to make it longer, or add a stronger ending. Because (at least to me) that is what makes or breaks a poem.

Everything else is just stellar! I am super impressed. I couldn't write nearly this good when I was 9.

Never stop writing!!!!!

Great job!

Here to review as requested armed with only a few light suggestions (sorry, not in chronological order because I am a butt):

1. But no one

experiences that much

happiness.

This ending. It didn't really do it for me. The previous lines were just so great, this definitely paled in comparison. Try adding something to make it more emotional, if you please.

2. but really, I was

raining.

I suggest making the "I was" a new line instead of grouping it with "but really." So, if you play by my suggestion, it should look like:

but really,
I was raining.

Besides those small things, this was short and effective. I really liked how you made the light, heavy, heavier seem like falling rain. That effect really worked on me and provided great imagery without actually describing the rain. Good job on that.

My favorite lines were positively:

If I had a nickel

for every time a

person said "I'm fine"

and wasn't

I'd be rich.

An often-used example, but never to be cliche, you use it a unique and capturing way.

Overall rating: 8/10

Keep writing; you are extremely talented for your age! I sure wasn't such an amazing writer as you are when I was your age ;D.

+1

This is really good!

The only thing I did not and still do not understand or comprehend is this:



"I was raining"

Is it supposed to be the word "it"? Or was "I" an intentional convention?

Either way, GREAT PIECE, wisegirl22! Make sure you KEEEP WRITINGGG!