I stood waiting for the train to Love.
One minute until arrival, the screen said.
I heard it coming, and yet I wasn't ready for
The bright lights that swept the station.
I was the only one that went aboard.
There were cars of Hope
Sadness
Fear
Anxiety.
I climbed on Hope to begin my trip.
I got off at the next station just to
Get on again on Fear.
So it went--
I boarded Sadness,
then Anxiety.
Two minutes until arrival.
I have almost reached the town called Love, but--
A train wreck, while I am on Hate.
I got off,
But I will get on again tomorrow.
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Canary word: Present
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139,430 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
Hey Lupa22, here for a Review Day review,
Positives:Wow, this is such an interesting poem. It's hard to do any sort of review on it because it's such an original piece.
I loved this concept of the cars on the train being named after different emotions. It was a really fresh idea, and worked so well with this style. I can picture them literally being different stages of this person's train journey as they move from one "car" to the next, or I can picture it being more of a mental thing, from the inside, but projected out into a three dimensional reality by your words.
This is also a good ending because it leaves some strings still loose, giving your reader a chance to keep thinking about what happened. To me, the subject is obviously dead, but then, if we're talking about something like a relationship or school or a job, they'll have an endless amount of resurrections to go through, so there's no ending to their madness on the train to H E double toothpicks.
Negatives:
I get that this is your stunt to lock your reader into the specific topic of love, but I really don't feel like it helps, as it only seems to restrict the reader from forming their own ideas about this piece, of which there is an endless amount.
I think most will accidentally read it as a typo, because that's what I did the first time, but it just seemed like it was trying to constrict me too much.
Overall:This is a great, very personal piece that I think worked out goes great in your portfolio.
I give it:
Hey Artemis28 it's Oreos here for a review!
So your title really caught my attention and after I read your poem I thought, Wow, this was great. You really describe the road to Love well. And I like that you used a train wreck to describe it.
Your first lines:
I think that in line four the "T" in The should be lowercase because you are having it be apart of the sentence from above. Having an uppercase letter makes it seem like a new thought. Otherwise this was a great start to your poem! I also liked you last line, when you say "I was the only one that went aboard", it really made it more personal. I like how you did that.
The next lines:
I think you got going into Love spot on here. You make it more personal letting us know who you feel when going into Love. I liked how you gave each their own line too.
The next lines:
When you started with Hope I felt that this was right. You really did get this right in your poem. We all start off at hope, and when you moved to fear, I thought you did so wonderfully.
Your next lines:
I thought you transitioned well though each, although a little more emotion and imagery I feel you could use. What is going on as you are going form one to the next? I was a little disappointing that the imagery was slipping. It could fare better if you put more in.
Finally your last lines:
I feel like you ended well with these and I must say our last line really took it. you saying you won't give up and that really brings a happy feeling to the end of your poem. I liked that. Great job!
Overall, I saw no spelling or grammar errors, but your poem could use a little more imagery and emotion in the middle of it. I think that though in what it lacked in you made up for in the way you presented your poem. I was really impressed with how you described Love to us. Keep writing and I hope to read more of you amazing work in the future!
Oreos
Hey @Artemis28, fantastic poem. It certainly describes the bumpy ride that is called "Love" and it's ever so impossible components.
I think it's great that you wrote this, as many can relate to the entirety of this poem, and I can assure you, that many will not only understand, but they will "Love" the way you (no pun intended) conveyed the very course "Love" takes. So in a way, this was a great topic to write about if you were attempting at achieving the Literary Spotlight.
On line 12, when you say, "Get on again on Fear," I think it would sound much better if you wrote, "Get on again in Fear," as this would be both a play on words and a descriptive event. Also, it sounds too repetitive to say "on" twice in that sentence. At least, that's the way I see it.
I love the idea of separate cars on the train ride to "Love" because each one is symbolic, and although you portray that you rode only one at a time, many people may ride them all at once. Which, in this case, is not a pleasant experience. And the character, being you, I assume, has boarded each car, and at the end of the poem, witnesses a train wreck on the very train that they are on. The perseverance of the character, you, again, I'm assuming, certainly motivates the reader, me, into going back and getting back on track (no pun intended).
I hope you keep writing, because you've certainly enlightened my mood and prepared me for the rough ride that is "Love."
-Payds