"I am a girl made of ice and snow."
Frostbite crawls up my skin, and I watch
As my fingers turn white, paling to match the sheet-white color
Of piano keys dancing under my vision.
Blocks of ice crystallize on my nails, and a pulsating melody
Transforms into a chromatic jumble,
My frozen fingers scrabbling for the correct notes.
My toes are numb, and I envision them snapping like twigs,
My fingers following suit,
And my attempts to create a perfect harmony falling into pieces.
My breaths cloud the air and hover over the keys.
Flurries of snow sweep across my vision, and this must be winter,
Because although my fingers remain stubbornly on the piano,
All the black keys have turned white.
A/N: Hey! This is a random poem I wrote because I finished reading Winter by Marissa Meyer, and I got really cold one day while I was playing the piano. So... this happened. Tell me what you think and hope you enjoyed it!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,022 Literary Works • 672,754 Reviews
Hi there Lupa22. This is Kays here dropping in for a review on an early Thursday morning. The last time I checked (although that may change by the time I end up finishing the review) this is in the Green Room, so why not, yes? Let’s begin.
I’d like to say that I’ve enjoyed watching your poetry evolve as I come back over time and look to see how your work’s changed because there’s a steady progression in quality that I see, and that’s great to watch especially for somebody like myself who hasn’t visibly improved in awhile and is looking where to go next. I mention this because I especially see progression in this piece. I enjoy the strong vocabulary that’s used here to set a tone for the poem and to put the reader into a position where the cold can almost be felt.
Nonetheless, improvements can always be made in writing, and this is no exception. In the fourth line, I’ve never really thought of piano keys to be a ‘creamy’ color? In my mind, piano keys are the color of a blank sheet of paper or snow but I realize that the piano in the piece may be aged or simply more of a cream color. Of course, that’s minor. There’s also the use of fingers two lines in a row and I’d suggest somehow avoiding that with the use of the magical tool that is rewording.
I have to say that I’m a little mixed on the fifth line with the phrase ‘blocks of ice’ in particular. I understand that the wording isn’t literal, of course and I’m going to suggest keeping that part but I am going to say to reconsider is the use of the word ‘writhing’ and change that to a word similar to ‘pulsating’ because I don’t think ‘writhing’ means what you think the word means although I may be wrong. As for the sixth line for purposes of making that line less clunky, I’d suggest taking ‘clunking’ out to leave ‘chromatic jumble’. There’s a bit of unneeded repetition such as the six uses of the word ‘fingers’. There are other little changes that can be made that will make the poem read better.
For example, in line eleven, ‘my breaths cloud the air and dust over the keys’ can be changed to ‘my breath clouds the air and hovers over the keys’. There’s a similar situation that can be went through for the twelfth line as well where ‘snow flurries sweep across my vision’ can change to ‘flurries of snow sweep across my vision’ although along with that I’d change the word ‘sweep’ to something more fitting.
Overall, I’m going to suggest reading this aloud for flow but other than that, this poem’s pretty solid. Maybe try and go more creative with the imagery, making that more atmospheric and more appealing to the senses though that isn’t absolutely needed. Emotions like the speaker being mentally cold or numb themselves can also be experimented, but this works well enough. Nice job on this.
If you have any questions, don’t be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Thanks for the review! It definitely helped.
I'm glad!
Hello! I really enjoyed reading this poem. You had great imagery all throughout it.
One thing that I didn't especially like was the opening line. I just didn't think it really matched the rest of the poem. This is just a little nit-picky personal preference of mine.
I think your ending line was really good, and your imagery was great!
One of my favorite lines was, "Transforms into a clunking chromatic jumble,". I just loved the wording! I'm a sucker for piano imagery, too.
Overall, I really liked this poem. You had super good imagery, and I really enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!
ella
Thanks for the praise! The first line is actually part of the inspiration for this poem--I had just finished reading Winter by Marissa Meyer, and that line was from the book.
This is amazing, you explained how I feel in the morning waiting to go to school, when I get so cold, my toes feel like they've separated from my body!XD But I really liked this because not only did it remind me of Else from Disney's Frozen, but it also made me wonder what it would be like if there were actually people on Earth who had this wonderful, but maybe chaotic, power. I think that you did a wonderful job on this poem, I didn't see any errors in your spelling. Maybe there was, I don't know, I probably didn't look at all!XD But anyways, you should keep writing poems like these, I'll be sure to read more of your poems in the future! Keep up the fantastical work!:)
Thanks for the praise! I'm glad my poem made you think of all of that.