Over time,
the sun sets.
The sky washes over
with bright red,
orange, and
yellow.
The sky ignites,
but I don't rush
to put the flame out.
*
Night falls.
The moon
looks proudly over
the roofs of
houses.
Her cold,
silver glow
dominates the sky,
and she knows
the night
is her domain.
*
Apollo wakes.
He drives
the chariot
over the sky.
The Sun
lights up the many faces
of people coming out
to enjoy
the beginning
of a new,
happy day.
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140,079 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hey there! *trumpets sounding* I've come to review!
So since this is a poem, there isn't much I can quote, but I will jump right in to things.
With how you have split things up in this quote, it seems a little odd and I think that the "and" is throwing things off. In my personal preference (which you do not have to take into acount, whatsoever) I would either delete it completely to give "yellow" more umph or put it in yellow's line instead.
That being said, the way you have split lines up is a little small. It reads really jerkily, especially in this part:
It reads like this: He drives. The chariot. Over the sky. The Sun.
Basically, if you combined a few lines, it would make the smaller lines more important and emphasized instead of trying to emphasize them all (which is what happens when things are small and separated)
Again, this is all personal preference and poems are works of art, so they are interpretive and majestic and can be whatever you want them to be, so you do not have to take my preferential opinions. It was a wonderful idea with wonderful words and I did enjoy it.
Keep it up and Happy Writing!
I like breaking things up like that...it's weird. It doesn't seem hard to read at all. But thanks for your feedback!
My pleasure!
Hello, @wisegirl22! I am @emeraldfox, representing the Night Furies this review day!
I likes this poem a lot! you had some really nice imagery, especially in the first stanza. You didn't have any spelling, grammar, punctuation, or capitalization errors. I know this is a pretty major change I'm suggesting, but I would actually switch the order of the stanzas. I would put the stanza that begins with "Apollo wakes" first. Then have the stanza beginning with "Over time" and finish with the one starting with "Night falls". This is because it makes more sense to me that you would begin with thw start of the day and end with night falling. And that way, "over time" doesn't seem out of place at the beginning of the poem.
I know formatting is weird on YWS, but here is how you can start a new stanza without putting * between each stanza. When you are starting a new line, hold down shift + enter. This will single-space the lines. But when you want to start a new stanza, don't press shift. This will double-space the lines, as you have them now.
Nice job on this! I enjoyed reading and reviewing it! I know I suggested a pretty major change, but I do think it might help the poem flow a little more.
Although it's difficult to read as the words are not very clearly In a pattern or order, the phrases and words I can pick out show great potential. 'Slow, paintbrush strokes to put it out,' is simplistic yet very imaginative and sparks an immediate interest in the poem. Your poem is so descriptive which is why I love it! For example:'beautiful, dancing' makes me feel content as a reader and really understand the images your poem is making. 'A happy day has began' should be replaced with 'a happy day has begun,' but is still a short and a nice ending. I hope to read more of your work and hope you had a happy holiday.
Thank you for putting that so nicely. I fixed it already.
Okay for those who don't know how to read it, I think I have figured it out. Each arc is a different stanza. Read from the bottom left of each arc. So if this was a rainbow, read from where the rainbow touches the ground on the left side, travel up, and continue back down the right side. An author's note would be nice, though. It takes away from the poem when you have to figure out how to read it first. I will write a full review in a bit as I am pretty busy right now.
Okay. I fixed the arc thing.
Sorry about that. I know you were trying to do something a little different t, but it was too confusing. I look forward to reviewing this soon, though!
Change this. I'm sorry, but no one can make sense out of whatever it is you were trying to do. I'll review when I can actually understand what is happening.
I did, alright?
I did, alright?
how am i soppused to read this because i dont get it.it all over the place. so please tell me
I fixed it. Just READ.