there are days when my shoulders ache with bowing,
when it is hard to cast my eyes forward instead of down
and move my feet when I only wish to fall.
now that ache is a constant weight,
my eyes always on the dirt beneath me,
my feet stuck to the ground like plants
sending their roots deep deep deep
down.
it could be a miracle that I bother to keep standing.
but with every beat of my heart,
every pulse against those chains that bind it down,
I move.
I try.
I reach down deep inside and pull out strength
that can only come from stone--
from weathering against frozen winds until your edges are rough
and you have learned the ways of hope,
hope that sings inside you and makes you think
I can brave another wind.
you might ask what does a thirteen-year-old girl know of hope?
but I know.
I know of a gaze tilted straight ahead,
another step forward,
and butterfly wings on a lilting breeze
after a storm.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,754 Reviews
Lupa <3 (erilea) I am blown away, and I review quite a bit of poetry on here so that happens very rarely. But wow! This poem is quite impressive and is a piece to be proud of.
I think the turning point in this poem is the line "I reach down deep inside and pull out strength that can only come from stone---" From there on the emotional intensity of this poem is just so well done. I love that line "You might ask what does a twelve-year-old girl know of hope?" because it acknowledges that hope and poetry itself is almost cliche, but then you inform the reader of that age put aside that the speaker has a real depth of experience to draw from, and that hope is not just a stray emotion, but an internal strength that is as real as a beating heart.
Your word choice is quite elegant all the way through. And your images are not cliche, but you give them a twist to make them seem anew.
I had a few suggestions for improvement:
This line sounded a bit odd to me
I think there was too much hedging "could be" "you call" "I bother" -- I just wanted the line to get to the point.
Your capitalization was perfect for the piece - emphasizing the "I" voice, by making it the only capital letter and the punctuation seemed to all be in right order as well.
I think the line about stone could be chopped in half, to make the piece look a bit more cohesive, since that one got so long.
I liked that you italicized "down" in that one line aligned to the right, but I wish that technique had been used a second time in the poem, because it would make that part a little less dramatic. Maybe you could italicize "forward" in the 3rd to last line to emphasize the change in tone even?
Overall, like I said, I really have very little to criticize here. I enjoyed this poem a lot. And for me it was a reminder that hope is strength, and it is necessary, and that the storms that beat us down can be the very catalyst for hope and that. is poetry.
Thank you for sharing this piece! I hope to see more work from you soon.
~alliyah
Thank you so much for reviewing!
I am really proud of this poem and it means so much that you've reviewed it!
Keep up the good work and I also hope to read more of your poetry.
Hi, just thought I'd leave a short review on your lovely poem. I always like nature in poems, and the imagery of nature in your poem is beautiful and I like the way you have contrasting ideas of being stuck in the mud and the freedom of being like a butterfly. This made me think of how people search within to grow spiritually. The direct address gives the reader a personal connection with the poem and this made me, personally, reflect on my journey through life so far. I like how the shorter lines add tension and desperation. I also like the fact that the lines "I move." and "I try." act as the Volta of the poem. These lines seem to be lifeless but they also seem to encourage the speaker to conquer whatever is holding them back. Another short line ("but I know.") has a more confident tone than the others and therefore adds to the spiritual growth of the speaker, who has gained knowledge even though they may have been looked down upon because of their age.
I hope that made sense and this is a nice, philosophical poem
Thanks for the compliments!
No problem
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this very lovely poem about the courage to move forward despite the obstacles that might strive to hold us down. I like the pace, the way the poem appears on the page, the imagery and the tone. All work together very efficiently to convey the emotion of determination in the face of what might feel like insurmountable odds. My favorite part is about the butterfly that is still flying after a storm. The problems of life being the storm and the person who must endure them being the butterfly who can either be destroyed by them or emerge still aloft. I also like how the feet are compared to plants rooted to the ground. The willpower to overcome such discouragement is indeed admirable.
Looking forward to reading more of your poetry.
Thanks for the praise!