It’s worse in Haiti
But it doesn’t feel like it
The real damage is in our hearts
To see our home after the storm—
In shambles, ruined
Our chimney lies among cracked bricks
And all because of wind and rain
Mother Nature—goddess of creation and
Destruction, spring and winter.
It spun through quickly
But it didn’t feel like it
It felt like a year before it went away
We huddled together, clutching our belongings
Our only ties to the life we once had
Now we rebuild—financially,
Our home, and our whole lives
We search for apartments, condos that don’t seem
Quite right because our true home was destroyed.
It’ll disappear eventually
But it won’t feel like it
The harm is done, and it’s left its mark
On us and the land
While the storm is gone, it’s not done with us
It lingers in our memory,
Shadowing us with reminders
That our lives were normal
It’s worse in Haiti
And it spun through quickly
And it’ll disappear eventually
But let me tell you,
It sure doesn’t feel like it.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,754 Reviews
Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with a review for you!
This was a beautifully written poem, and aside from lack of end punctuation and the flow being off at some points, I didn't really find anything wrong with it. I will elaborate on the two things I just mentioned, though.
The lack of end punctuation threw me off a bit. You only had one comma and three periods the entire poem. Punctuation can benefit a poem in many ways, one of the most important being establishing a nice rhythm or making your poem flow better. Punctuation in a poem indicates pauses, and since you had very few periods or commas at the ends of your lines, it was difficult to figure out which lines needed a pause, and it caused the flow to be a bit off.
These lines read a little awkwardly. I suggest rewording it and adding some commas or something to help the flow. For example, you could try something like:
"The damage is done, and it has left its mark
On us and on the land.
The storm is gone, but it's not done with us.
It lingers in our memory,
Shadowing us with reminders
That our lives were normal."
Overall, this poem was beautiful, and I really didn't have much to say, it was so good! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
I couldn't help but love this poem. Love it mainly because I screamed hope. My heart goes out to Haiti. I'm just going to write a brief review.
This poem would have been perfect if it had flown differently. Maybe, starting each new line as a new sentence was your unique way to write, but maybe if you have switched it up a bit and threw in a few commas, it would have been perfect.
" It’s worse in Haiti
But it doesn’t feel like it
The real damage is in our hearts
To see our home after the storm—
In shambles, ruined"
Could have been written as :
" It's worse in Haiti, but it doesn't fee like it.
The real damage is in our hearts.
To see our homes after the storm, in shambles - ruined."
It's all about the flow. The flow grabs the audience.
" Now we rebuild—financially
And our home
And our whole lives"
Could have been written as this :
" Now, we rebuild. Financially, our homes and our whole lives."
As I said earlier, I specially loved this poem and I think you're a very talented writer. Keep up the good work.
-M.