and the bluejays played in the grass

This is intimate, but that restraint also carries a risk. I think you could clarify your intentions and refine your structure.

You begin with disownment, in daylight. That contrast (“my mother disowns me on a thursday afternoon / and the sun is shining") is startling in its calm. The juxtaposition creates tension without needing to raise its voice. It’s effective. That said, I wonder, is the quietness here meant to numb or to reveal? Is the ordinariness of the moment meant to emphasize how pain can coexist with beauty, or how the world refuses to pause for personal grief?

The middle sections, where the doe appears, are some of the most symbolically rich moments. The choice not to tell the mother about the doe is where the poem’s emotional architecture really starts to open. It’s selfish, yes, but also deeply human. The idea of needing a sign, and projecting significance onto the gaze of a wild animal, captures the yearning so sharply.

I do want to ask: what is the doe’s face doing? You say it looks at you, and you interpret it as bravery. Could you make that moment more specific? Not necessarily literal, but embodied.

The ending returns us to the sun, though. Smart, cyclical, unresolved. “i taste the bitterness of my words / even after it has set” is a beautiful closing image, but I wonder if “bitterness” is pulling too much weight. The sun motif does a lot of heavy lifting here as well. There is little description in terms of taste, texture, or even temperature. If there’s one area I’d encourage you to develop, it’s the balance between emotional clarity and image-making.

Yeah. Let some physical detail do that work, too.

Nice work.

Hello! Valkyria here to leave a short review for your work. Let's get into it:

This poem speaks about a very hard thing in the most elegant way possible. Everything feels random and fast pace, but it works super well because the speaker is trying to process this decision. The imagery is simple but so striking. It puts vivid scenery in my head. And the contrast between the doe and the mother is amazing, and I love how it opens up possibilities of what would happen in different universes. I also enjoy the format of your poem. The lowercase letters on every line and lack of punctuation except for the question marks adds a nice touch to it.

I adore this! I'll have to check out more of your work!

Wowww!

This is jarringly phenomenal. At first glance, it feels like a messy amalgamation of words and feelings, but as you keep reading, you realize that's exactly what the narrator is feeling like.

"My mother disowns me on a Thursday afternoon"

You start with a line that just shocks feelings out of you so you can't feel the pain later on.

" The sun is shining " Feels like in every universe, you were only owed pain.

On introspection, one realizes that the selfish act of keeping the sight of the doe to yourself is a little like all the narrator's failings as a daughter.

In another universe the doe does not face you and you do not have to be selfish or fail as a daughter; In another universe ( that is so unimaginable that there isn't even a sun to shine its relentless gaze upon you ) everything is fine.

But you can't keep up the fantasy for long and it can't keep you up either, and despite the sun easing up, reality sets in.

Loved it

Wow, this poem is amazing! The contrast between the peaceful scenery and the fact that her mother is disowning her is absolutely amazing! My one note is that the second to last paragraph is sliiiiiiiightly confusing on the first read, but overall I absolutely love this! Definitely will have to go back and read some of your other work!