lessons on rebirth

Hello erilea! Here to review your poem. Quick disclaimer: this is my first review so if I miss a few things/something doesn't make sense, that's why (I'm still learning, haha)! So take my comments with a pinch of salt

I really enjoyed the specificity of your imagery, particularly the almost grotesque and shameless aspect of it. My interpretation, at least, was of the speaker wanting more ― however horrid it may be ― and acknowledging that "becoming" means to analyze everything that you are: the good, the bad, and the ugly. And that, in doing that, one is essentially destroying themselves.

I particularly was intrigued by the whimsical nature of the imagery throughout the poem in contrast with the raw, darker descriptions; lines that struck me most were "the only history i have written / is in the curve of my lips i inherited from the ancestors before me" and "self improvement is chiseling the heart from beneath your ribs / and wondering why it doesn't burn" and "the desire to melt down your bones into a primordial soup / and rearrange the shards into gossamer wings." I think that helped create more cohesion in the idea of the romanticism of growth/becoming/progress, but not seeing the self-destructive, darker aspect of changing.

Something that I noted while reading was the separation of the stanzas; they each seemed to focus on different subjects of imagery (eg death, mythology/art, and poetry more literally) and it would have been nice to have seen some sort of cohesion in these descriptors, or some sort of transition other than a break in the line. There seems to be a larger theme carrying through the entirety of the poem, but the imagery varies greatly with each stanza and seems to separate them more.

The last line was really powerful: "remember, there is everything wrong and ruined about becoming." I think it summarized the piece quite logically, and having the repetition of "remember" in the lines prior added a poetic quality. One thing I noticed was that earlier in the poem there was a line that said "everything is natural and ugly about becoming." Perhaps something to consider is removing this line so the end of the poem packs more of a punch, and doesn't restate information we might already know from a previous line?

All that aside, I really enjoyed this piece ― I'm particularly a sucker for poems about the self/body, and the hints of mythology and art made it all the more appealing. You have some super quotable, memorable lines throughout the whole thing, as well, many of which made me go back to them again. I also thought it was really clever the way you formatted "down with the old, in- / -hale the new like white-powdered" as a cool play on the idiom "down with the old, in with the new."

Hopefully this was somewhat helpful? And I'll be on the lookout for more of your poetry in the future!

- figmoon

I really loved this poem. I felt like the emotions were so strong and came through your writing so clearly. It was so compelling, and reading it almost felt like watching a train wreck. I simply couldn’t look away. You have so many interesting ideas scattered throughout the poem. I especially loved the way you play with the idea that becoming is self-destruction, and the way that destruction is beautiful on its own. I thought this was a perspective I hadn’t explored before, and it really made me think more about my own life. I also loved the unconventional structure of the stanzas, the way that some lines were significantly longer and shorter than others. I thought it gave the poem a structure of chaos and mess that reflected the contents of the poem. I also liked the way you made use of the first person, making the “I” the central figure of the poem.
The one area in which I would improve is the general refinement of the ideas and structure of your poem. You said in your description that this is a free write, so I can understand how it would be a little disorganized, but I would suggest if you want to edit it, then you should work on clarifying the ideas within. For example, the third stanza, while highly interesting and raising important points, seemed unconnected to the themes of the other stanzas. The first part of the fourth stanza also seemed to reflect more on poetry than on the relationship between destruction and becoming. I also thought there were certain areas where ideas could be explored more to make them more meaningful. For example, when you talk about how “I want the romantics of a death recorded…. When they conduct my autopsy they will at least know I was beautiful”. I thought you were creating an interesting point here- the idea that destruction is beautiful. I thought this created an important link between becoming and destruction. Becoming is beautiful, because destruction is beautiful. I’d really like to see you expand on this idea.
Overall, this was such a good poem. Reading it was a whole experience, and I totally felt enlightened and amazed after I reached the end. There’s so much imagination and creativity in the imagery and comparisons throughout the poem. I particularly loved when you wrote “I want to make carnage of myself so I can be the black and white pictures”. This poem was really beautiful.