I, Too, am America

Hey! Great message! Equality for all regardless of their race. I'd like to highlight some of the stuff I found pretty weird....
"Brown as the trees that dot our world
And complete nature"
I find it pretty weird, nature is mainly considered green. My suggestion would be
"Brown as the bark of trees,
And the bare ground on which we stand,
On which our foundations are built"
Also, since you've repeated the title a number of times, I highly suggest that you divide the poem into stanzas, each beginning with, "I, Too, am American"
Pretty interesting, historic, and what better way to talk about history (and present social racist problem) through a poem. Kudos for bringing history to life!

LANGSTON HUGHES IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE EVER
yes, I remember studying this poem of his this is based off.

hello, and sorry I had to get that out.
let's get into it. xD

So, unlike some people I know, I read the description for this piece in the green room. And as I read this, I grew more and more confused as to why you said this is 'loosely' based off Hughes' work, "I, Too". It is quite similar in structure, and obviously meaning as well. You also take some nearly exact lines from his poem, which I personally don't like...

I like the idea of this poem in honor of black history month; however, I have a few suggestions as to how you can make this more your own, as I felt this had the essence of a school assignment rather than a passionate tribute.
a) Put more imagery into this. I understand it's a pretty straight-forward poem, but you can mix it up to make it contrast with Hughes' original. I counted two analogies, and they were quite similar. I think a few metaphors could be really useful here.
b) Ask yourself this: is the poem truly written from your perspective? Or are you playing off Hughes' piece again? As a reader/reviewer, this confused me, so try to make this point shine through clearly, wherever you stand in perspective.

I must commend you on the structure. It flowed very well, and I think it's at the length where it wouldn't be necessary to break this into stanzas.

I guess I sort of gave some pretty general ideas on revision, but hopefully this still helped! I like where this is going and where it's coming from:) Good job

~iron.n

Hey, Weather here with a review.

I liked the message you were trying to convey here about equality and freedom for all people, regardless of their race and culture which I agree with completely and its also in relation with Black History Month.

However, there is always room for improvement and I think your poem could use some improvements and suggestions.

"I, too, am America."

The title is a statement you use continuously in your poem is in reference to the Langston Hughes poem I presume. In your title, the word, "Too" shouldn't be capitalised. It began to feel very repetitive as it feels like the statement itself took up majority of the poem and it begins to lose its emphasis. It could be used as the first and last statement only perhaps. Separating the the poem into stanzas may be of use.

The way in which some words are expressed in the poem could use some improvement.

"My skin paints brown,

brown as the trees that dot our world

and complete nature."

This doesn't quite flow due to the way it's phrased. A slight change to this could be,
"My skin is painted brown,
like the trees that dot out world
and complete nature" ?

"You hear me say

"Equal rights for all"

and you say that "true" citizens

deserve rights.

Who are the true citizens

now?"

This stanza doesn't sound very poetic, it sounds more like direct speech or a lecture. Perhaps incorporating equality and freedom together. Adding some imagery would help greatly.

"Brown as the trees

free as the whites.

Let me say

"I have equal rights"

and let me vote

let me"

This stanza feels repetitive as what is mentioned here has already been loosely stated previously. In general you need to create a more emotional connection with the reader so we feel the justice you're striving to portray in the poem.


Hope this helped.


--Weatherman