remember when--
we were so young, naive
we thought all fairs were here to stay
in our small town
and we were so, so sad when they all left
we pleaded for them to stay,
and i remember thinking--
there will always be a next one,
always
and there is.
i am at a new one, one with bright colors
flashing lights
rides so fast and dizzying--
wait time: thirty minutes
there are too many people here,
all with hopeful faces
that look just like ours did
this one will surely stay,
always
always
but you are not here
i search the crowd and you are not among us
i look for you everywhere on the fairgrounds,
outside the fairgrounds
but i saw you outside the gate,
called for you to come
and you shook your head, said--
love has no place for me
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Hey Lupa22, it's lily here for a review.
Good poem,I really liked the first stanza and the way you described fairs.Your poem is so relatable. All most every child has such longing.But I think your poem could add a little more description that kinda forces the reader to go back to those days of fairs.But personally I don't really like the format of the poem.It looked more like a conversation between two people. I'd suggest to you just write them as stanza's one upon another.
"
but i saw you outside the gate,
called for you to come
and you shook your head, said--"
In the line 3rd line,last stanza
I think you could rewrite this line as "you shook your head and said...." or "but you shook your head and said...."
That's upto you though.
Anyways....Like your poem..Keep posting.
-Lily^_^
Thanks!
sure..
Hey Lupa22! I'm here to review your lovely poem.
I really love the first stanza and the beginning to the poem. I'm like the Queen of Nostalgia haha so yes I love that stanza. I'm a little confused to why some of the stanzas are on the right and some are on the left. At first I thought it was like two people talking but apparently not. I think I would also prefer more imagery. A fair is such a colorful, imaginative thing and it doesn't really come off as that in the poem. Give a little bit more to really show the power of your metaphor.
sorry for the short review
marmalade
No problem!