z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Titanium

by erilea


Your words hit me like bullets,

ricocheting off my titanium

walls.

I hide in the shadows,

listening to the sharp

ping

of fists on mineral.

Take your aim,

nothing will 

hurt me.

Fire away, fire away.

Titanium won't easily

break,

break like you dreamed.

Shove me down,

you hear the

satisfying sound of

thudding on the hard

floor.

But titanium isn't so easily broken,

broken like you dreamed.

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254 Reviews

Points: 11196
Reviews: 254

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Sun Aug 31, 2014 12:03 pm
Sonder wrote a review...



Hey there, wisegirl22! Here to review, like you asked! :) If you have other review suggestions, I will gladly take them. I wasn't sure what you had in mind. :)

Alrighty! So this is based on the song Titanium, right? I love that song, and I like how you made a different version. Did you make a tune to go with it, perchance? That would be cool, and I've seen that sometimes you write songs too. :)
Alright, I'll do some nitpicks, and then praise.
I felt that this poem flowed pretty well, but in some places it could be smoothed out.
At the beginning, I wasn't sure why you made the word "walls" in the stanza

Ricocheting off my titanium

walls
was made a new line. You may have been trying for accentuation, but for me it just succeeded in confusing me.

I did, however, like that you made the word "ping" a line on it's own. I think that that succeeded in accenting what you were trying to say. The only thing I would fix would italicize the word, since it is a sound.

I felt that the two lines,
Nothing will

Hurt me.

didn't quite work. I would either combine them into "Nothing will hurt me" or remove the "hurt me" and maybe make it like, "Nothing works" or something. I dunno, I felt like the three two-word lines in a row didn't quite work for me.

The other comments are similar as the first one, where I think the single liners "break" and "floor" should be combined with the previous lines or the two should be split up in a more even way. This is all just opinion, remember! You don't have to do any of it.

One last comment. The capitalization in this poem is a little all over the place. In some sections, you capitalize every line, whereas others you randomly stop. Not sure what you are aiming for there, but just thought I should point it out. :)

Praise!

I really enjoyed this poem. It was an interesting twist on a popular song that everyone knows. The final stanza was great!
But titanium isn't so easily broken

Broken like you dreamed.
Oh, I loved it. I really enjoyed the repetition of "broken". It flowed very nicely, and brought a smooth end to the poem.

I'm curious, what does this poem mean to you? Is it about standing strong in trial? I'm interested, because people have interpreted the song Titanium in many different ways.

Keep writing and being amazing! :)

~Night




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532 Reviews

Points: 27927
Reviews: 532

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Sat Aug 02, 2014 1:41 am
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hey, wisegirl! Here to review~

I really love the song Titanium, and what I liked about this piece was I could see where you inspiration came from. It's pretty short, I like the way you've layed it out, although it looks more like a poem to me than lyrics. Still, the repetition of titanium being strong works really well.

Because this is so short, it's hard to find things to say. What I didn't like about this was that it was just really similar to the actual words of the song, and I think you should work on maybe putting your own twist to it. What does the song mean to you? Do you personally relate to the song? You should put in your own experiences to make it unique to you.

Your words hit me like bullets

I thought this was a good opening line, but it wasn't really expanded on. Are these lyrics directed at someone in particular? Because if they are, you can use other things about this person to include in your song. Even if it's not, why do these person's words hit like bullets?

Take your aim //Nothing will //Hurt me.

I feel like these lines contradict the other line I just quoted, are you trying to say their words are hurtful but don't hurt you? It's a bit confusing.

Basically, what message are you trying to put across here? That you (or the narrator of these lyrics) is like titanium so the other person's spiteful words won't hurt? I know I'm asking a lot of questions in this review, but I feel like the lyrics fall quite flat, and have little purpose. You just need to be more original, and specific to you. When you listen to the original song there must be some imagery that pops into your head which you could include in these lyrics.

I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.

Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x




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232 Reviews

Points: 874
Reviews: 232

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Thu Jul 31, 2014 4:33 pm
rainforest wrote a review...



Hey wisegirl22! Unknown391625 here with another review!

This is a really nifty poem! It is very true! I love it! You used amazing vocabulary. You categorized the story and the genres flawlessly. Same with the rating. It's really good! I love it! For someone who is this young and can write this good, it's awesome! I will look for more of your poems and your stories. Don't give up and always write, wisegirl22!

-Unknown391625




erilea says...


Thx, unknown391625!



rainforest says...


Anytime!




Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
— Mark Twain