small fact:
when flies are stuck in a web
the spider spins them around
and around
and around
until they are wrapped up tight.
i wonder if they can breathe.
it is difficult to know
that the last thing that you will ever see is your own trap, your own suffocation.
the last thing you will ever hear is a breath like gossamer, too faint to last.
the last thing you will ever feel is a tightness in your chest that you realize
has been there far too long.
and yet,
i wonder if they find it easier to breathe.
it is difficult to know
that suffocation is often too quiet to see. i would understand.
your breaths that come too quickly at night will never be known.
that tightness in your chest can only belong to you.
maybe that darkness makes it easier to settle, to accept.
it is easier
to cry when no one is watching you.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,754 Reviews
Hi, Erilia! It's been a while, haha
I haven't reviewed in quite a bit, so please excuse any gruffness or rustiness that I might have. Anyways, don't think you have to take anything I say seriously. Let's begin!
First of all, the transition between the first stanza and the second is absolutely flawless. I expected the first stanza to be completely unrelated to the rest of the poem - while it holds power in its own, it doesn't have anything to do with the rest of the poem except in some obscure way only the author sees. Some famous poets do this and it annoys me, but you transitioned flawlessly.
I was confused at the "your own trap" part. If the fly was stuck in the spider's web, then wouldn't it be stuck in another's trap? While I understand what you're saying, but I would remove the "your own" and change it to other wording.
"has been there far too long" would flow better if you put "for" behind "far", in my opinion.
You don't have to do this - it's a picky thing - but I would separate the lines "has been there far too long./and yet," to make separate stanzas to show the next main idea. Again, it's a picky thing.
Instead of a period in "your breaths that come too quickly at night will never be known.", I would add a semicolon instead to connect the next line. It would introduce some grammatical variety and would make it flow better.
Some of the formatting makes me uncomfortable (when the sentences are separated in strange places, i.e., the last two stanzas), and I don't know if that's intentional or not. If it is, good job! If it's not, then still good job, since it feels right for the poem.
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem! You did well. I love your poems in general, so it's not really a surprise for me. Sorry, I'm not great with praise, haha. Keep doing what you're doing!
Tschuss!
~~Kara
It is indeed a LOVELY poem!
This is a lovely poem, your word choice is amazing.
Here are a few things I noticed:
"i wonder if they can breathe.
it is difficult to know
that the last thing that you will ever see is your own trap, your own suffocation."
I am unsure if the second line is referring to the first or third line.
"i wonder if they find it easier to breathe.
it is difficult to know
that suffocation is often too quiet to see."
Once again, clarify which line the second line is referring to.
"your breaths that come too quickly at night will never be known."
Add commas to make this sentence flow better.
I would also add capitalization.
Overall, this is an amazing piece, it flows very nicely and paints a dark yet beautiful picture in your head. As always, my critiques are solely to help you improve, not to bully you.
Never stop writing.
~corvus
Hey corvus! The second lines are referring to the ones after them.
On YWS, a lot of poems don't have capitalization, and that's okay! Most of the time, it's a stylistic choice. Just wanted to let you know.
Thanks for the review!