sometimes i wonder why i can’t let you go.
when i close my eyes, your face flashes beneath my eyelids,
an afterimage gone sour. i should have forgotten you
for all the things you did, but they’ve been burned to memory,
settled ashes after explosions, remnants of what was.
i am not a religious person, i am not God, but
i think this was how he felt when lips closed over red fruit,
when red tainted wood and rusted nails.
i am not a religious person but i know that Jesus never complained,
and sometimes i wonder why he didn’t because every day
i open my eyes and i find our ashes and light another flame
just to feel its warmth.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,807 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Hey, erilea!
I like the vulnerability of this poem; it seems very honest and straight to the point (while still being poetic). I also liked your choice of not capitalizing! I think that also emphasized the vulnerability/rawness of the poem. The ordering of this piece was interesting. I liked that you started with closing eyes and seeing someone, and then we end with opening eyes seeing “us”. It feels very thought through, which I appreciate!
I want to start by saying that you are very strong when it comes to your voice/tone — I’m getting the sour/bitterness from your specific choice of words. The line “an afterimage gone sour” and "when red tainted wood and rusted nails". I think you did great delivering that message throughout the poem.
I felt like the ending was very rushed due to the lack of any sort of punctuation (in the last three lines). Whether it was intentional or not, I actually like how it played towards intensifying the read; I read faster and more rushed without any punctuation. I think it paired well with the context of the poem and concluded it with some impact.
With all that being said, I did have trouble with this line:
I felt like the flow was a little off here? I had to reread it the first time because I didn't know whether the red was what was tainting the wood, or if the wood was just tainted red (as in tainted was an adjective, not a verb). I understood the correct meaning after rereading it, but I feel like it could be rewritten, just so it is more understandable at a first read?
I personally felt I little confused at the introduction of God/religion. I thought that the idea itself was good — and the metaphor was great — but starting the line off with "i am not a religious person but.." felt a little forced/awkward? Maybe it has some relevance to some context that I don't know of, but it may not be necessary to this poem unless it is helping to convey a message.
Perhaps another suggestion I have for you is adding some more imagery. Implementing more sensory descriptions immerses the reader even more into a poem. I got a lot of description in the beginning, but I felt like it drifted away towards the end (which perhaps was intentional?).
I hoped this helped! This was a strong piece - it was original and I liked the impact the overall tone left after reading. Hopefully this review was helpful, in a way, since I am a little rusty with reviewing poetry (and writing, in general). Let me know if you have any questions, I enjoyed reading this !
thanks for the review! i'm actually not quite sure why i decided to do include the religious imagery. this poem was quite rushed.
Memorable images! I particularly liked the idea of a 'sour' afterimage and the link between 'red tainted wood' and rust. Thought these were pretty original, so great work on that.
Cheers,
-Liminality
Hi, @erilea!
I really enjoyed reading this poem. You can tell you put a lot of effort into it. Though, I have caught a few things that definitely made it enjoyable, and some that made it tough. Now, let's get right into it!
※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※
Title/Description
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°
The title "burning bridges" is very creative and unique. So is the description, "step one of making yourself happy. it's not an easy step". However, I don't think either of those really expresses the poem like they should.
For example, in the description, it says that the first step of making yourself happy is a difficult step to take. I do agree with that, but in the actual poem, it only expresses sadness and the difficulty of letting someone go. There is a (metaphorical) bridge being burnt, but even that's hard to understand.
Also, something small that I noticed, in the description, it's talking about me, but in the poem, it's in first person point of view (in the speakers P.O.V.).
Maybe next time, you can express more of a difficulty, the point of view, and the metaphor?
Capitalization
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°
To readers, such as me, this is an obvious flaw. It's obvious, yet common.
All throughout your poem, and the title and description, there is no capitalization. It looks like you just slapped words on the screen without care, even though I know you put a whole lot of effort into this, so this is not a good thing.
Rhythm
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°
While reading, I never caught on to a flowing rhythm. A rhythm, in my opinion, makes a poem nice and easy to read.
I noticed somewhat of one, but it was not consistent.
※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※※
Overall, I absolutely love this poem, and I hope is see more of your work in the near future. I really hope I helped you improve!
Happy Holidays!
~@SuperOriginalName
thanks for the review! i do want to make one thing clear. as you continue reviewing poems on this site, you will notice that many people choose to have no capitalization in their poems. in that case, it is most likely not them "slapping words on a screen", in your words
, and it's generally advised to not point it out unless you can tell its unintentional.
have a great day!
I'm so sorry! I misunderstood. I didn't think that it was intended...
Once again, sorry, and Happy Holidays!
Either way, I really enjoyed this poem.
Did I offend you in any way?
no problem! no offense taken.
Thank you!