Young Writers Society

Hi there Lupa22! Niteowl here to leave a short review.

Overall, I think this poem captures the speaker's feelings of wanting to travel the world well. I think the varied line lengths and repetition fit well with the theme of feeling stuck in an existence that they want to get out of.

However, what I feel could be clarified a little more is the relationship with "you". This other person clearly means a lot to them if they would give up the chance to travel so that other person could, but it's unclear why they would do that. Why would they want the other person to go in their stead? Why couldn't they travel together?

seas of ambition spanned before me,

shine before you,

Another good poem Lupa!

I have to say the first half started a little slow for me, but when we got to the 2nd half starting with "but my wings are clipped, and" then this poem became really interesting I think. So I'm just going to go through and leave some of my thoughts, but please let me know if you have any questions about my feedback.

So I like the set up of wanting to travel the world, but I wonder if you could phrase it more personally or specifically? Once you get to the part about small towns you start to get a little more specific, but what about the speaker's desire to travel is unique? Where do they want to travel? Why do they want to travel? I feel like there are a lot of unanswered questions, the primary one being why (I'll come back to this later). So although the first 4 lines offer a good scenario, I think it would take the poem to the next level if you could make them more unique. Even the metaphor of "skies of opportunity" feels a little like I've heard it before. If you described the sky, or inserted a detail about opportunity again it would make this metaphor feel more original. Seas of hope and fields of chances are a bit better, but I'm lacking any real imagery. I guess I think that giving a bit more detail to any of the three metaphors rather than presenting 3 vague ones might be stronger. I'm not sure how chances relate to fields or hope to seas except that they're related to travel in this poem and are open? or vast? One of the problems here is that words like hope sometimes get overused and become meaningless if not connected to a bigger context. Giving that context (of what the speaker hopes for, or what chances they are seeking etc) would really help the reader connect with the piece.

Moving on... in line 5 you present part of the conflict of the poem (or the why) we learn that the speaker is stuck in a small town, that must be why they want to travel, later we learn their wings are clipped, now assuming that the wings being clipped is a metaphor and the speaker is not really a bird, I'm wondering what exactly the speaker means by wings being clipped, or why they are stuck. Part of the issue seems to be the subject of the poem, they are stuck because of someone that they love and would even "send in [their] place". I think this becomes pretty interesting a bit of vagueness here works in your favor, because people can kind of fill the plot in. I would love more details on just why their wings are clipped, and who the subject is in relation to the speaker - what exactly makes them have to stay in this small town?

A particularly strong set of lines in your poem's second half are these two: "understand that those skies are not the same/ as the cerulean ones i saw in my dreams." -- this is really beautiful and paired with the idea of wings being clipped the sky metaphor really works. All of the lines following those two are also really beautiful. The idea of eyes being the window to the soul, and the reflective desires is just really well articulated here.

A couple comments on formatting before I wrap up:
I don't think that the italics really added any new meaning in my opinion.
It seemed like a good choice to do the lowercase "i" in this piece, especially with the last line being about sacrifice or humbleness potentially so minimizing the self or the "i" is a good route to go as it fits with part of the theme.
I liked that in the first half you began one line with "yes" and then later you mimicked it with a line starting with "no".
The overall flow of the lines seemed alright, you had some uneven line breaks but it seemed like they at least made sense or didn't detract from what was being said.
And lastly, I think your grammar and punctuation looked good except I wonder if there should be a comma after "remember" rather than "eyes"? I'm really not sure but it gave me pause.

So overall, I really enjoyed the concept of this poem you put a few nice spins on a short story of love or relationship by adding the travel, sky, and desire aspects. And you presented some really nice lines near the end. I would like to see the 1st half being just as strong as the second half, but again overall it was a nice piece.

~alliyah