every time i see you, there is a little less of you--
your eyes are more unfocused than before
and i see wanderlust in them that speaks of distant places
brilliant cities far away
sleepy towns nestled in the country
but not me.
there is never me, and i worry i am fading
out of your picture
or maybe you are fading out of mine
i always talk to you--
i try to do everything right. i smile
and laugh and talk
and try to see a happiness that isn't there.
if i smile just enough
and tell so many jokes
maybe you'll smile back at me
and no matter how much i hope,
i think you are leaving me.
your eyes dance to the horizon and leave me behind.
i want to reach for your hand,
but i am afraid that if i do,
my fingers will close on empty air.
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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hi there! Here for a review, I thought your poem was really interesting, and I love the format and the creativity. I really enjoy the italicized right-aligned stanzas, it was really creative and brings the piece together! The imagery was beautiful in the beginning and the end, but I feel as if you could've added more to the middle stanza. Maybe add some description to intensify the emotion. I noticed that nothing is capitalized and I am curious if that was on purpose maybe to set a tone. If so, change the tone at, "i want to reach for your hand but i am afraid that if i do, my fingers will close on empty air." Capitalize the "I"s to show a angrier tone; the emotion will be amplified. Over all, I absolutely love this piece!
Hello, Becca here for a review.
This is a wonderful piece. I think your use of text alignment was superb in making the piece look like a two-way conversation. I love the lines "fading/out of your picture/or maybe you are fading out of mine." I like how self-aware the narrator is, saying things like, "try to see a happiness that isn't there," and one of my favorites, a great ending, "my fingers will close on empty air." I think the piece could stand on its own with a little less "telling." For example, instead of saying "I think you are leaving me," in the last stanza, maybe show us. Show us that person carrying suitcases and departing on a train, for example. Obviously your call as the author. Looking forward to reading more of your work!
Hello!
This piece was tragically sad and it was so beautiful. You did a lot of things that I normally think are gimmicky, but they made sense in this poem and made it even more beautiful. For example, usually I think people are just trying to copy e. e. cummings when they don't capitalize their 'i's, but I felt like there was purpose behind it in this poem, like it was emphasizing how the narrator was fading out of their loved one's mind, becoming insignificant.
I also loved the italic, right-aligned stanzas. Those were beautiful; they reminded me of an echo almost.
This piece surprised me. When reading the first paragraph, I thought it was going to be about how the person they're talking to was fading because their memories are fading, which is normally the route pieces like this take, but then in the first right-aligned stanza, you started talking about how their main concern was that they were fading from their loved one's mind and it was a new twist on the concept of fading that was just so tragically beautiful and very lovely and well done.
So basically what that all boils down to is your formatting is spot-on and you have a real eye for it. And for most of your poem, your word choice is also greater. However, I think their are a few points where you could find stronger words to use, such as when you say, "your eyes are more unfocused than before", it just doesn't feel right. I don't know if it's a flow problem, or a word-choice problem, but I think maybe taking out the 'than before' might solve it. It just doesn't add that much since you've already said they're "more unfocused". Usually we compare things to the past. There are a few other spots where your word choice could be a bit more efficient or effective.
Hope this review helped! : )
-tgirly
Hello, Dino here for a short review!
I like the kind of conversation that is happening in this poem. Because from when I reading this, I thought it could be the different voices in the narrator's head. One of them is full of regret while other is kind of echoing off of that? Honestly, I find this type of poem very wonderful in it's own way. Much like how some poems focus on this same topic but you also seem to out your twist on it.
The first stanza of this chunk seems to set this whole poem into a sort of sappy mood. The lines soon after seem to falter slightly. While I do like your poem for portraying a nice message throughout, it almost seems like very line within this poem holds back to each other in form or another, if that makes sense.
There are some times in this poem that do give off some images but it faintly there. I think what could make this poem a little better is if you show off these images better. With like descriptions and such.
Overall, I liked this poem very much because it has a pretty tone to all of it and I'm sure plenty of people could relate to what is happening within.
If you have any questions, let me know!
Dino
Hey there, Lupa,
So what I am seeing in this poem is something that happens to me a lot. I get a really good idea, so my first stanza is BOMB, but then I don't really know how to continue, and so as I go on, my succeeding stanzas are less BOMB. Not bad, but less BOMB. Because your first stanza was so fresh and alive -- I saw two figures and one fading, and the other trying to find signs of hope in the first's eyes.
But by the second stanza, I see a line line this:
And I wonder if you lost that inspiration, because "I worry I am fading out of your picture" is pretty straightforward prose, with not a lot of emotional connection or any imagery to grab at.
What I loved about the first stanza was that it made me feel an emotion without telling me what emotion to feel or what emotion the characters were feeling. Obviously, I felt abandoned, disappointed, disappointing, scared. I love being made to feel an emotion instead of told to feel it, and I wonder if you can't find a way to express the same emotions you've recorded in your other stanzas without saying them so obviously. Like, you get back to a good image at the end -- will my hands close on empty air? But even then, it's saying that the speaker is afraid that will happen, rather than IT ACTUALLY happening, and the reader having to imagine what it feels like.
I hope these thoughts make sense and are helpful to you. If you have any questions or comments about this review, feel free to PM me or leave a reply here.
Thanks for sharing, and good luck!
Hannah
Good job